What is it

 this feeling inside?

I felt a loneliness pang, it came out of nowhere. Sometimes it happens. I feel extremely alone and it makes no sense.

My goal? my ultimate goal? outside of the goals is to get rid of this immense unhappiness that wants to dig at me. Dig at me and keep digging.  The nights in New Brunswick that were the worst were the nights where I was walking outside alone. No family, no one wanted me, no purpose. No cool as job or cool dig. Not making money, getting ahead in my finances like I wanted. It was horrible. I didn't see a way out. 

I'm kind of getting tired now. Should I go with it? The thing is, if I wake up tomorrow will I be as effective? What else to do? Gotta call child support tomorrow. Only thing left to do. Very productive week. Still haven't sold those airbeds. All this stress for $20 that they want to pay? Maybe they will come on Saturday, a day off. Who knows?

'Feminine Finance' is their company.

It's been good listening to everything. I just wonder how I will get there. How to get to prosperity? Listen to stock stuff but its like, is that for me? Am I there yet? I took a financial class thing. I like that they talk about a mastermind where you can get your money roadblocks out of the way. I'm like 'I need that!' 

Of course, it was about a 1k. I have it in my email. Of course it would be great to do it, of course. I'm glad they made their own business and then I thought, I could do what they do. Create a presentation, hire the tech, have the email chain, the whole thing. Why not? This is possible. It was a weird thought, but it held on.

I keep thinking of corporate_countdown. She was a mentor and did 15 minute accountability sessions. I'm like in love! I'm like I could do that! She has a specific niche and she was positive and she was out here getting it, and I'm like wow. She is helping people and has correct boundaries and she is killing it!

I also think of Donnie Wiggins and this is the first time outside of me seeing steppers my freshman year when I see someone do something and I'm like, this. i want to do this. I want to do what she is doing. It's weird because it was just an interview. But it was a gut feeling. I kind of get the sense that I'm supposed to be a coach. I know I'll be great at it (new found confidence, here I go).

I'm tired of being on sidelines and I have so many stories to tell. When will I write my books? When will I get the confidence to think higher of myself, the greatness within, the one that I know I can achieve. Stop looking to the world to come along and define me. I feel great until I step outside these doors. Out there I feel poor. Like when I walk to the Chinese place, waiting in line there I always feel like what am I doing there? And Saturdays are great to go to church then Sundays come and its me walking by, talking to the homeless man and once again I think, what am I doing here?

Remember last year, would hang out with Tia in McDonalds just to not go home and do absolutely nothing. I had no couch and no TV. Things that make it easier now for Alex to want to come and have something to do. I have a computer now. Okay, so I can type out my thoughts and also do research as well.  And we have a working bed! Now can have a restful sleep. Wow the things you take for granted that become normal but once you don't have them, life is hell. And hell is has been, we have walked miles and were at Trent's, and have been at Tia's and all the while staying positive. For real. All this has been a test? Maybe. IDK. 

This computer was supposed to be for me to learn to code but this computer is developing into more. Why isn't it obvious? I keep hearing this voice inside me tell me, I am a writer. You are correct! I am a writer! But what to do, what is the next part? What do we always learn? That we need a mentor. How to monetize my writing. Neo says he has an e-book course but I have no idea what to do do and what to write about. etc. What do I know? So used to consuming.

Pat said creator created us to create. I like that line. I should copy that. lol. I saw Chris rock and I was like, he is funny. And he is a comedian and he gets paid to do it? It's like made no sense to me. I'm like that's a different life. You provide entertainment, fill up those seats and boom there you are. 

Do I know anything of value? I'm not sure. All this studying and reading you would think I do. I realize some people establish themselves as the expert just by being consistent and doing something. not thinking too much, just doing. 

I found another influencer. His course is only $97 dollars! I want it so bad.

I get distracted by shiny things. Maybe, but it has to do with marketing! Ugh!!!!

I do have a course I purchased, Fort Knox. And I got to get to studying for Life and medical (so not interested in that right now ugh). Learning a new skill, call, etc. Money needs to come in for me to do the insurance test. And to take a course bro, for real. What about food? I don't know. Wish someone can cook the meals since I will be working. Maybe I cook them in the morning before work? Alex still needs me to serve them and such. I'll work it out.