Angel

 You come back sometimes

and you haunt me

why I think of you

What is it today? tonight? Why you come up,

What ghost of a memory have you left behind?

Be kind, Auris, be kind

But I hate him and I know he was young and maybe I put so much on him

I hate that I loved him so much and it was like he didn't care.

Take out the card.

You taught me that someone can be in your life for a short time and have a huge meaning.

You taught me to not like a guy that is not willing to provide, give, protect. He does not deserve you.

But then I think of the day he gave me money to pay for the rent. He tried, I never had someone be there for me like he was. Except for Zari, and God always making a way for me. 

Did I magnify what he did? Was it because I was looking for a life partner in him? God had already told me about David. Back then, I did not have enough belief. 

I hate the part of me that likes him. I was so drawn to him and he was willing to be around me and I was so lonely in that season, starved for human connection. 

Auris, settle this. This has to do with you, not with him.  It's not Angel you are mad at but yourself.

Loving someone and caring for someone and he rejected me and let me go through the pregnancy all by myself. Even now, he abandons. Why? because I said I wanted another test. I told him the story, he wanted me to pay. He wants to have no skin in the game. Also told him of how what he did was wrong. So glad the test came out negative, just to hear that from him. Get the story straight. It was not all sweet like I thought. And let's be honest, I was lost and broken in that moment.

He was mad when I said I don't want it to be him. And he said a comment like I was stupid, like he did nothing wrong. Once again, not taking responsibility. He felt bad and I felt that was genuine but his bitch ass stories of his girl controlling everything feels like a load of crap. 

Then there was the attraction to deal with and the feelings that came up after the anger had gone. But still, through it all, I never trusted him. Get out my life. Now you are and I am mad that you are. I have created a no win wins. Like my mother. Unresolved brokeness.

I let him squeeze me into this corner, OMG my girl was around. Hide me around like I'm a secret. No respect. Tell her you want to handle this, don't wait for her to open it. Create the right boundaries. But you were just interested in getting risen by me. You talked to me until nighttime even though you had an early flight. Then went to Vacation acted like everything was allright. 

You were not devastated like you pretended. I really was, and it meant so much to me. And once again, you moved on so easily. I was devastated, you went on vacation. It took me a couple of days to digest it, really.

Dang that dream was deep. David was James on the inside. I saw the exterior, I missed on what he was showing me.