Unforgiveness/ Things I'm mad at

Mom, for not being what i needed her to be. and for constantly being a source of stress and I really, really did not like how she acted when she came. I'm blaming her for Tia Yani's actions. It was like a highway robbery. 10/11/20 Now I am mad for her threatening me. We haven't spoken really since she threatened me. She called today and I cursed out loud. Someone threatening me is unacceptable. I'll show you. 

Andre, its nice he sent the box but I'm like why? and I get mad when I think of him sometimes. me feeling like I'm not good enough for him. Like, you still reject me after all this time. The pain of that. I am not good enough for you to care. deep.

10/11/20 We spoke. It was good intentions for him sending the box. I asked him for $100, I needed help. He sent it, and I sent it back 2 days later when my refund came (earlier than they said). We talked and we spoke on good times. IDK about the rejecting me again? oh, I must be talking about the thing where he cut me off when I said I was sad. All the stuff from the past about him kept taking and taking and taking from me and when I was depleted he said you bring me this (tears). that memory. I release you. I learned my part in it was that I did not know boundaries. But also, I was with someone that didn't respect when I did say boundaries (just like Nasean).

Also some truth: Andre does care. He just reacted that way that day. It does not mean I need to write him off as 'not caring'. he cares, he gave me $40 one day because I needed extra funds. when I needed funds, I knew he was one person that wouldn't mind helping out in that way. Not everyone can be what you need, Auris. 

Angel, you came back and the love came back. I feel a little used. He took advantage of my emotions and got out of me what he could. The moment I told him about himself, he showed me his real side. Not a man yet, at least not a real man that takes care of his responsibility. Similar to my mother, he doesn't own his shit and does not follow the code of doing what you say. That drives me nuts. What do I feel when I think of him? IDK anger too. Like why use me again? Like why were those feelings there?

Angry at myself that I still liked him despite what he did. 

Good thing? we reopened all this wounds and I forgave him and then he fucked up again then I got mad again then the forgiving part came faster.  

Do I feel rejected? a little bit. Like you said I will build you a bathroom. It's like why would he say that to me? Why make promises you know you can't keep. And I hate that he wasn't willing to fight for me. I hated that whether he talked to me or not he was fine either way. I felt like I was more invested, and I hated myself for it.

What did I hate about myself? that I would feel so strongly for someone who did not give a crap about me. He saw me like a sex doll I said, all you look out of a sex doll is pleasure. 

I also found it invigorating the way he would speak. That he could express his emotion and I saw the growth. I tried encouraging him and I stayed up and changed my sleep cycle. I forgot about that. He started my staying up at night schedule, I forgot about that. 

Dang it. LOL. Now I'm up so much and I stopped fighting it but I forgot. So it was between me being sick and talking to Angel, happened around the same time.

I felt like God allowed all this, Andre and Angel back at the same time and it turned into daily talking and sharing my life. Angel, I never felt safe. Andre, it was more of being a container for him, a place where he can dump his thoughts and articles and art pieces and he always wanted to see my boobs.

I also cut off John at this time. But today I was thinking (or maybe yesterday) that our friendship was boring. It was always us checking up on each other and him being bored AF. It was always I'm tired, I'm working, that's my son in the background. Happy time? When he showed me pic of him with the anniversary dinner. But overall, he is just not excited. That's whack. I guess I was a friend out of loyalty, but overall what did I get out that friendship? What did he get out of our friendship? Not sure. Maybe he enjoyed having access to someone he used to like. But the way he acted, sexualizing me really hurt me. I am his friend and I was good to him and for him to pull that stunt was like seeing a snake in a person that you thought was a potato. Totally unwarranted. I cut him off and like Henry, he did not object.

I do not need to spend time with people that are dead weight. Henry came to Jersey and was a taker from the jump. Did not give gas money or anything. I was entertaining him and he refused to be able to do a basic job of making sure my son's head was up. I did all the driving and hard work and he was just there on the side enjoying all of it. I do not like a man that likes the woman to do everything and they are comfortable doing nothing. My anger was gigantic and he did not protest. I told him about himself and he wasn't interested in taking accountability for any of it. He didn't see his mistake and he was all about Mariella. I was just the supporting actress in that story.

I want to be valued, I want the people around me to want me to have around. I like when Shanel is a speaker and people clap when she arrives. People pay so that she arrives. It's amazing. I have no idea how she became a teacher. It's kind of interesting. 

Bob Proctor said if you see anyone do anything you have to know that you can do it too.  I get that, I feel that in my heart. It means I can get paid to speak and share my voice, and share what I learn too. It means I can be a speaker too, I can write books too. I can be graceful too. When she was alone in the kitchen, who filmed and why? trying to show you cooking, and material things don't matter. 

Who else am I mad at? If I think of it comes up. What I realize is that time moves on and I'm still holding on. Like the whole time I think of Cesar and I get mad that we do not have a great relationship, he has become a great dad. and he is a different person than the asshole he used to be.  It really shocks me.

But I hate being in the backseat of your car. And I hate going to your house using someone else's car. No one will get that, but that is my own thing. And I hated that when I gave gifts to his kid, he didn't receive it well and neither did Lesly. They are so used to looking at me as being broke that they literally cannot receive anything from me. The time I spent all my money and splurged on them and gave them presents they gave such bad reaction it made me feel like they rejected my love. That was years ago. I still hold on to that memory. What are good memories Auris? Of Cesar and of Lesly. 

Am I mad about it? I feel strongly every time I feel bad about it. I don't like it. 

I bought this computer for coding, but all I do is write on it. When will my words be enough? Make me an income? All I ever loved was reading and writing. Teaching was going to give me an opportunity to share what I was learning. If the video camera worked on here I would have been making Youtube videos. It would have just been great to finally do something, instead of being a gift wrapped up. But that thing followed me until this day. But everything I did for the church, I wonder if it ever mattered. Now I am just a girl in someone's memory. I felt no recognition for it, except for my birthday and God pushed them to do it? but they did it and I cried but she simply said things that I already did. I was doing so much.

My life, I keep thinking about the past. Do all things end bad? I am not sure. 

Now listening to Nelly Furtado come to an end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Brj8d5HKpEs

I want to build something that last. That my effort people remember. Like tonight, Neo doing his live. Some people purchased his course or will remember them pouring out into us. Just like shade under the tree, we in there, listening, taking notes, waiting for our turn? Knowing it can be us. 

10/11/20

Mad at Pastor Jennifer Mackie something. All I did was serve her and she judged me for my dress. No humility, not Jesus like. I wanted to be validated by her. I wanted her to take me under her wing. I wanted her to pour into me. She looked and walked and talked like a leader and there I was doing all these things to serve God which meant serve in her church and she never took me out to ask me my testimony and etc. And when I did go up and told my testimony no one came up to me after church either or said thanks for sharing. Same in my Philippino church. I mean, the youth the kept going and I didn't get invited to any of their weddings. Basically, another black sheep in another family.

I keep looking to be accepted but it does not happen. I don't fit other people's rules. I need to make my own tribe. But maybe I will be one of those people that spend a lot of time alone? Maybe, maybe. 

Forgive her, Auris. She came to teach me. That I need to be my own hero, my own person to look up. That no matter how much you serve someone and their mission, they still can treat you like you do not matter. No matter how much I served, she did not give me the time of day. She saw my leadership skills but no body cared. When I gave dresses away, she took the ones I gave her and the other girl too. I didn't like how easy it was for them to take, not offer money or anything. Not understanding I paid for those things. I took the dress to the tailor and she charged a lot for it. They didn't know my effort. I was shocked at their actions. Tia said, a gift is a gift. I should have charged for it? Is that what you are saying?

Don't throw your pearls before swine. I served and gave them my time, the church and Yomeiry and Tia. And at the end of the month, my bills were not paid and no one cared. No one rose up to help me.

I have helped Tia a lot with bills and cleaning her house. Where was she when I couldn't walk? Was that the time that she went to her friend's house. No, she was gone for month and a half. I think she was having back problems too. The point is, she didn't show up for me the way I did for her. What is the point then of being a good friend? There is no trophy really. 

Corona came I didn't call Yomeiry. She didn't call me. There is a immense worldwide crisis and she didn't show up for me, and I didn't call her either. But it just shows you. I never cut her off really. I just stopped reaching out and she stopped too. She did not object, just like with Angel and Henry. That means they were not that invested in being my friend. People are into their own lives I get it. I wonder why I am so into it. But Jane said I am a person that really gives it their all. I don't hold back. All or nothing.

Ms Pearl was great. I told her to visit me, I didn't have a car. And she never did. But Tia said she was looking to reach out to me. I wonder why she never came? 

I just felt like no one care. Like the days I walked for miles and I was sweaty and me and Alex was tired. The day we tried walking to housing because I didn't want to pay $7 for the taxi. I got tired of asking, tired of struggling. Yes, I pray to God. Money doesn't come from praying. but then praying answers everything. Alaka did lead me to the scripture money solves everything. then people look at you like you are lazy if you do not work. 

I have a lot of shame around money. I have a lot of shame around not being successful yet. Shame about seeing someone with a husband or a house or a career, people I went to school with. It's like that was not my path. I didn't want to keep doing schooling and no background either. I always wonder when people have things how are they able to afford it. I wonder how parents pay the rent. and I wonder for kids who keep going to school how nothing falls apart, or maybe we don't hear about it.

I guess I've gotten so used to instability that I expect it to happen now. Expect failure. God, help me change this mindset. George said we learning from losses over here, not wins. When things fall apart this is when you and your mind need to be the strongest. 

Pat said social media is not real life, people post the highlights. But I told him I had to get off social media. I didn't like how it made me feel. Like everywhere is proof that people are doing better than me. That my life sucks. That I do not deserve better. Get it out, Auris, get it out. I am worth it, I am valuable. How to attach feelings to these things? When I was around family, I felt none of those things. i was an object to be critized and I was wrong for being alive. me and my child got criticized. 

I'm not having that. Enough is enough. But I hate the fighting mode and someone telling me off. I don't like it. My sister said she is not doing an event again with this family, as if we have another one. But alas, she moved to NY and she is hardly seen except when she comes out. I am the one that moved away and I am happy some people asked for me. It touched my heart when Gabi and Denisse came out for me. It made me feel like I mattered to them. Gabi talks to me when we are at family functions, she tells me her life and opens up. I am glad of the all cousins that I have reached out to during the years, she is the one that does that the same. But I felt so undervalued when I gave her, and Isaura gifts and they weren't even home or hardly ever said thank you. or when I texted Gabi to see how she was doing and she would correct my texts. I felt rejected.

This feeling of I'm chasing people to care or me caring for them actually. Like Marvin, I texted you this week to see how you were doing. Then couple of days you feel the need to tell me how wrong I am for posting something. It's like we value different things.

I am realizing its all about energy. Tia wasn't excited when I got the Tv. She was like, its a TV. and when I decorated the room she said the curtains don't come from Mario or she doesn't see the connection. It's kind of Marvin energy. It took me a long time to do something, I don't like people coming along and shitting over it. I did that to Alaka one time and I realized I suck for that. Marvin was not excited about the bed I picked out (the cheapest one but I could finally afford a bed with my tax return). I don't like when people talk negatively about an accomplishment I've done. 

Jane this week left me a message and she was excited about what I was excited about. I was like wow! She cares, she really does. She gets me. And as I have learned, all you need is one.

I was miserable in NB after sometime. Alone, it felt like punishment. I would go to the library to watch Scandal, I didn't own a TV. I would leave, and the library had that creepy quiet thing again. This quiet that was deafening, it would come and not leave.

My son cried because I didn't want to read a book. I be tired. But our nighttime routine that we have kept for all these years is really important to him. I guess it makes him feel the stability, along side everything else. Tia be yelling at her girl. I don't want to be around that. It's uncomfortable. And Arnold looks at me and doesn't even say hi. It's a disgrace, really. I don't like that culture. Of people not saying hi. it's dismissive. and everyone in my Sunday church was like that. I am excited to see them, though, and I say hi.