Walks in the Park

two long time friends confessed their love to me and rene he said it in the summer too, that one was 5 years of friendship how long to wait/ and still nothing changes why can't you all be friends women, its hard out here huh women shun you and men want to date you everyone has a request guess the only unselfish person is Jesus who died for us but because of this world its hard to believe anyone would give their life if they cant even give 5 minutes to listen cut you off as soon as you speak we all want to be heard I want to be heard my voice spread out across the world I want to know what it feels like to fly away from here somewhere else, to have money it seems to be the only thing these people care about to validate the self as if something external can tell you the internal beginnings of faith it doesn't make sense but such is the world money can't buy happiness

I am so alone at times it hurts. Where are friends? People I can talk to? Yesterday I was at a diner until 4am with new friends. So can't complain. But this NJCU college experience is so solitary. Not used to it. Good to be focused, good to have someone to share life with as well.

Would I hang out with my family members if they weren't my family?

I'm letting go of all my ties it makes me see that life is a blank page ready for me to put words, plans or pictures in it but in this vastness I am not sorry to say that I am lost I always wanted to go to Cali but I'm broke and have 2 years here at NJCU then went to a fulbrith meeting and thinking about doing that after I graduate Did I mention that I have a baby? and what about when I'm getting married? and meeting David? who knows? God has a plan. In the meantime, I am totally blowing off class. I'm half an hour late to a 3 hour class. Time to go. Bye doosels

Soon to be need to leave have no where kidding just no money God provides he always does had enough for coffee and bagel today and sabotaged myself cutting class didn't study for the test Make my own destiny Feeling overwhelmed Maybe should go home? what good will that do? Trying to get myself... to a better state

I keep thinking of Eli and how he needs to cut his hair I want to erase all possible discriminations Make the assimilation into New Jersey easier I am thinking of how he tried to move to his uncle's house and how it didn't work out I thought of how he got down, and he felt that feeling like when you try so hard and nothing seems to work out in your favor? When you give  your all and you still feel stuck? The future is bleak and the is no light on the horizon? Yeah, that's how he feels and I know because I have felt it too But it's getting better! Motivate each other I have the vision; Zari is going around looking at houses. Something has to give.  Let's move and work on it.

Zari, Teril, Eli and me. Oh yeah, and 3 of our babies. Wild, adventurous, fun? Will we be hippie and fun loving adults? Terril better not do weed. We'll see. God open up doors that you want to open, close the ones that are meant to be closed. Amen

I've never been so scared. I have to find a place to live by April, my baby's first birthday. I dont have a job. I don't wnat ot be homeless. I'm scared of what might happen on a shelter. I'm a full time student. Is the only option sleeping in the floor? I've been doing that for all this time. My mother's floor. she works, i took care of baby, now got school going. What am I to do?  I have no idea. I pray I pray for a miracle today.

                     Yes, I got short hair. Now, how to make it look good? Couple of ideas:                                                                                                                    good blow dry to the front making a bang                                     I think this is called a pixie cut? add some highlighted color                                                                                                    Put some big earrings on                                               Then when it grows, wear it curly