Walks in the Park

 I have felt, Truly one thing is depression and anxiety attacks this new wave is like uggghh I want to escape my skin it hurts to be me everything is a trigger like little noises or things that squirm reminds me of the time i saw those movies, spiders all crawling up on your ear or leaving your pocket  as yu werent' looking those spidy senses, squeaky clean does Alex no longer need me? Am I valuable to anyone? This is the most rejected I have ever been at least in my delusion I thought people loved me the reality is more scarse, no one does my kid, God, who died for me. any other kindness is short lived. out of mind, out of sight, that's how it has been I once wanted to give someone all my love like a daughter or a significant other and my future king posted his current queen she's like Queen Vasti I am Esther, the one sent by grace. I don't know how I will have it I don't know why people fall for me for my looks God please help me understand it I cant keep going li

You say I'm beautiful all the time and I look good and the way people perceive me I don't see it you keep bringing it up so it must be a thing You let me know how others think and how logical and calculated men are and it surprised me, all the things you said Prince knew and how easy it was for him to get me And you said make sure I'm getting something too because the guy is getting a great deal that's all I'm saying, Auris I get the message but I'm still naive gotta keep thinking about the lessons and I feel like a little kid that  someone is explaining what the sun is its always been this way and the world has turned more or less way less holy in the last 10 years that I have escaped society and stayed in my little bubble  of God and Alex And now being out, learning all that I am learning I gotta 'put myself out there' and have no interest in being over exposed but am interested in making a living a mattress money road and I know people keep winning by

835 billion in decrease in lifestyle TRAFFIC SAFEY 2020 rising deaths in Georgia of worst offenders. top of state with most road fatalities. after 3 years of decline. Why? 5. failure to wear a seatbelt.  ten of thousands of lives are saved in US due to seat belt usage 4. speeding. 1/3 of fatalities are due to speeding. 2010 Georgia introduced the super speeder law to change behavior. increases fines of drivers that go above the speed limit. 3. motorcyle fatalities.  make 1% of all motor vehicle crashes in Georgia.  however the people that ride the motorcycles represent more than 20% of all driver fatalities (In Georgia). 2. pedestrian walkers.  more than 50% increase of death of pedestrian in last 10 years 1. alcohol.  1/4 of deaths are due to alcohol. Georgia has the most drunkest drivers. avoid drunk driving. **these compound if you do more than 1** CHAPTER 2- FACTORS INFLUENCING DRIVER PERFORMANCE 1. aggresssive drivers -angry and allo a. excessive speeding  b. running red lights an

Hey you, it's me Auris Remember me? It's also men blogger, a digital pen and paper Now for my  birthday Dominique gave me the notebook like those notebooks that started this thing called writing which gave me an audience when I had none and now all my writings of my life what I consider my life's work might all get stolen from Jesup, GA from a stoop Cherelle where are you at?  and I'm afraid to call because what will I say? I'm studying contract law because what else is there to do? just like me, I'm relating it to real life and going back and forth to the situations in Miami and seeing how they relate to what I was learning I see the problem was that we all have unwritten expectations and people are not upfront about it and girls are supposed to just 'know' about it and when men can provide, they won't and the time they are supposed to be there for us,  they won't and goodness I felt bad  but next time I'll jump in the basketball game with t

 broken promises broken dreams all the plans that now will not be we all want to be loved  in return my love is a gift i give without much requirements but oh God how i hate that you could make such a swift movement and there are things that you dont like about me i didnt know we needed to agree on everything i want to watch a movie. but where? where do i have privacy? where can i live?

 saying if I was more stable Alex wouldn't pee she took something I told her thought we were friends thoughts she cared about me and Alex but no, it was all gossip like old lady said, she showed me her character. she collects info said I'm pretty and that bomb right there and told me where I should live seems mom made her case and convinced all of them they want me back to my place of bondage like slavery I was in happy land wanting to meet my sister's kid she wanted to use me and only watch my kid when it was convenient to them like boom I don't want to be there stop putting myself in situations I don't want to be in due to guilt the truth is they cant help but be themselves and the truth is they are disrespectful and don't appreciate me or get me the codependency workshop was super cool she said something like I don't like spending time with  people  who emotionally or verbally abuse me fir ne, men have something i have always wanted time around men my bod

 I wish I could say it was the last time or the first time that this time, this is the first time I was sad, yes shocked, yes but the pain, the pain was away  in a place in my soul too far away for me to connect with the feeling I called Jenny and told her the whole thing and even I don't know if she got it she said what if Alfredo reaches out in the future I say in a future that is not here I will make a decision just like I'm making decisions now I will be fine Did she see something I don't see? Jenny asked I said no, she sees something I also see she's just not willing to put up with it but I have such a tolerance for bullshit and being in environments that I don't belong What I learned today was 1. how intolerant Aysia is 2. how insensitive Alfredo was, he didn't even get that he cost me a friend similar to the day that I was about to get hit he told me to film a TikTok and get famous what an insensitive thing to say and what a idiotic thing to say he did sa

whine 'em up whine 'em up One more time! (yells out loud) You've been a pleasant surprise you were a friend and now I got giddy like a school girl and my gansta tendencies of pushing all my feelings down well, all these past years of healing doesn't allow me to do that Jim wanted to wait until I have an an apartment so that he can come over and 'Netflix and chill' Cali guy wanted 3 days unwarranted access to me I'm like nigga please only my husband getting that Rich guy said, you'll be out of homeless in what, 1 month? stupid ass. 100k in his bank account and could only part with $100 Cheap-stake like the Korean movie said Oh, writing how I missed you You are always there for me, like an old friend people think I speak to much and go away when my speech starts to feel like a monologue but, you pen and paper always have enough space for all of my thoughts no matter how many of them they are. What can I tell you? I dress NY, black dress tight showing off m

 she's all we got to look up to she went out with men as  frequent as your nose goes through Kleneex when your sick she was successful she shook her ass she was acting like a stripper in the superbowl I didn't see the art I saw hoeing just being honest here like the pimp was Hollywood  and she was the stripper going out to the lowest bidder I didn't see the art that's why they did the documentary to make it seem deeper than a middle aged lady going to dance on a pole yeah, that's what you do after all those years of hard work what the fuck? so yeah JLO hispanic in the 90s she would have been called a ho its not fair, I know nothing is fair the booty looked nice  the way she posed with Alex Rodriguez in the magazines she never did that with Marc Anthony when he proposed I thought she might settle down some but was unsettled by how their families were already blended they did everything people do after marriage, before marriage they even were sleeping in each other

It would be Grant, that I should work with surely there I will get to 100k  but he gets out at 6pm and my son gets out of school at 3pm and there's also commuting unless I dish out 300k for the cheapest condo for the no commute, less travel means more time with my son life logically but i come to Miami in 2023 at last God says, no that's not it I was gonna create a version of myself that I thought would be acceptable then I have a job interview God says, 'Go curly' I said what?  I go curly, I get the job I have so much fun in the tour I never associated work and fun together it was trippy for me Had no desire to follow up,  I'm too busy trying to figure out where I'm gonna sleep each night and days trying to survive, trying to get a plate to eat God one night says go to this park I am so scared this is the crazy homeless people park will they kick me? will they speak to me? will they hit me? all thoughts running through my head. Instead I go and speak to Brandon

 you are coming soon  I thought it would happen when I first heard the prophesy I never imagined it would happen like this I got a dream the interpretation was that you are in transition so I have to rely on my faith as i always do and pray and hope I get out of this as soon as  possible I miss my kid I want some normalcy I want to go home not that I have a home to go to but I want the resources to create one seek  first the Kingdom and all these things shall be added unto you I'm standing on God's promises, that's all I have left

 Devil came yesterday entered your vessel because  you let it you get angry and my Peter turns to Judas ready to strike and betray and you forget everything I have ever said I'm shocked, appalled, but secretly glad I finally know who you worship the devil, lucifer is your father and you thought you were 'enlightening me' I saw right through to the spirit that was feeding you those lies so you are cut off no ties you were dressed like a kid with a movie obsession and modeling ties, we had that in common it was nice seeing that side and I saw some visions, I shared them with you I saw in  you blood, destruction, warrior  but like me, I'm not scared of all of that but now I need to conserve myself. and this is sad this is betrayal this is a friend that is really being ruled by satan goodbye I wish I could take back my sandwich You can be nice to the devil, Ms. Mary's words came back to me It won't change him, it's still the devil that's the lesson that part

 Dre you cheated you lied you took my love for granted, way way way too many times you call me years later  when you needed me, of course i was always a full cup that you love to drink out of I am sick, have back pain you cut me off because you dont like it when its me thats hurting when you blow up and had tamtrums and acted  with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old i didnt judge you or hold it against you the moment i show a flair of emotion you put wood on the fire attacking me you are just somebody that is always going to take from me you took years of my life already i cant take back all the guys I said no to to be by your side and you were there saying yes to all the girls and still pretending to Be mine but never fully wanting to be mine and mad when I told you we should stop and I should date do you remember that? the day in journal square? i said i want to date I'm tired of waiting for you to decide what you are going to do with us it was always wait for dre, one day dr

 1. OLIVIA POPE IS IN LOVE WITH THE PRESIDENT AND HE IS MARRIED TO THE WHITE LADY.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE AS DRAMATIC, BUT WHAT IS A FORBIDDEN LOVE YOU HAVE PARTAKEN IN? IF NOT YOU THEN A FRIEND, TELL US ABOUT IT AND HOW WERE OTHER PEOPLE AFFECTED BY IT? 2. OLIVIA POPE HAS TO HOLD MANY POWERFUL PEOPLE'S SECRETS. WHOSE SECRETS DO YOU HOLD AND ARE YOU GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS? 3.  OLIVIA POPE WAS ONCE KIDNAPPED. SHE HAD MANY STATE INTEL THAT SHE COULD HAVE SHARED WITH OTHER COUNTRIES. THE INFORMATION COULD HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED. TELL US IF YOUR KIDS GOES TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE WHAT IS SOME INFORMATION THEY COULD SHARE YOU WOULD NOT WANT OUT THERE? 4. OLIVA POPE ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT DO IN THE WORST OF SITUATIONS. THINK OF THE WORST DISASTER AT WORK OR AT HOME. TELL US WHAT IS THE DISASTER AND HOW IT WOULD BE "HANDLED" 5. AS A LAWYER OLIVIA ALWAYS WINS. IN COURT YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOUR POINT WITH DATA FACTS AND FIGURES. TELL US  POINT OF VIEW YOU HAVE AND WHAT POINTS YOU WOULD USE

Thinking and believing the words you said turns out we were listening to your music all night and day and brother helps you and other one is crazy he came at me he tested me I was loyal to you In the end, it didn't matter you address it and apparently, you are more messed up than me Did you promise to follow up? Come back when you are better? Why am I so loyal to someone I met yesterday? Because when we had that moment, we connected I saw you, I felt you you were vulnerable.  In the daytime it was all about your brothers your attention was divided no competition they always win even the reason you left, you said you cannot say no  your older brother wanted to go to west palm beach so there goes the day I leave I waiting, I was patient I helped pick up the room I told Rachel I got it There with the guy that disrespected me the room took the precedence I'm sure tonight they are doing other shenanigan I wonder if I'll ever see him again

like a cheap chick Am I not worth more? you said this is all I have when you handed me a $100 yesterday Just so that I can buy water I like the way you trusted me with it Did I trust the wrong person? He said I am not, I am messy inside, in my head and in my heart I don't want someone to come along and fix me I need to fix this on my own my brothers they look for me I am smart too, I know what they are doing I got tested and passed the test I told him 'I like your brother' He told him I guess He took me aside and we had the typical breakup conversation I don't, I can't, I like you right now Has it been 2 years really or was it all cap? Your body told me a tale of nervousness God why do I receive everything as rejection? DJ he didn't hit me up it was 5am. I saw my phone  After a night out in the Mustang Driving around with loud music In the way only you can in Miami I am sick of this I'm outside I meet people they hurt me I avoid assault then I get tired and

 today God said you are coming soon and I went into freak-out mode been crying all day, I miss my kid I cant sleep so I thought let me wake up and write it all down first of all how do I know that you are going to like me? Do you like people that look like me?  I'm Dominican from a tropical island Did you want to stay in your race or are you concerned how it would look? second am I pretty enough? I have curly hair this society likes straight hair third do I look good enough to be with a person that is a public figure? nah I'm like yeah Auris you are supposed to be a public figure TRUE but I'm not yet as of today, 2.5.23 nobody knows my name I'm the world to Alex but no one to everyone else If I get married to you will I get thrust into a spotlight I'm not even ready for I don't even like people knowing I buy underwear It's like Paris Hilton but it is an audience that I didn't develop fourth, you dress like suits and serious all the time I'm like sill

 So I was angry and I sat and I cried 3 different times this morning, while walking and third when I was waiting for the train. Me, this situation, is bring out of me my most vulnerable state.  I heard god say, (parapharsing) what if you misconstrued all of this? and visions of things you did that show you care even now god brought another one, last night you offered to make me alfredo pasta.  i declined. this morning, you offered sweat pants. I declined. I didn't feel comfortable with your rules and you gave me a shirt that fit and allowed me to leave with it.  I needed help with the shower and you came in and helped.  you were trying to talk to me while i was in the shower I don't like that  but I haven't told you that so you don't know. You held me while you explained.  you allowed me to be more comfortable, even though you didn't understand and you did give me goodbye kiss, even though you said I had to take my stuff $70 in a storage unit and I wont ask believe

 you said yes then it was no i was so angry today i thought text him tell him about yourself and i got so angry when you gave then you took away not directly but first thing you say this morning is reninging on what you agreed to yesterday this instability, changing your mind  instantly triggers me another trigger for me is that of being rejected I get ready, get dressed, get ready to leave You offer things, I turn them down You say you don't know what time you will be back tonight from work I don't believe you, I think you are rejecting me again My inner child she comes out this strong feeling comes up of being rejected I remember Samuel and how mad he got that we had missed the plane. He wanted me to leave so bad  I felt awful like goddamn am I that bad? I kept talking myself down as the tears were flowing down my face saying to myself: "hey, maybe he wants his own space. it has nothing to do with you, don't take it personal" but my feelings were there and the t

 of your reaction when I purchased the ash tray I wanted to be small and compatible like you could take it  and it had to be light, because it can't be  too heavy on the table I got one that was the righty size and I liked the design of 2 colors, one for the product and the other for the ash When I was on the way there I suddenly got scared I was reminded of times that my kindness had been taken as a offence Then I worried, what would your reaction be would you condemn me? would you yell at me? would you be mad? Would you be able to receive my gift? panic set in, and I told myself well just see Auris you have said that you are going to be  unapologetically yourself and this is you So I went it and gave you the gift and you said thank you and you liked it  and i was relieved It was so crazy that a simple thing like giving someone a gift would cause me all this discord due to past experiences I understand you have your doubts too we have both been burned before but we both crave each

 1. What is one moment in your life that you just knew, you were grown.  What happened and how did it feel to be responsible? 2. Tell us an object you have affection towards and why. examples... cars, house, a lucky dollar bill, etc. 3. Tell us a person in your life that saw something in  you that you did not see in yourself. share that experience and how it changed you. 4. Tell me of a time that you were in a bind. You were stuck, did not know what to do. What happened and what did you learn from that experience? 5. Tell me 3 life tools that help you approach problems that come up in life. Again, tell me 3 life tools that you use that helps you approach problems that come up in life.  DONE