Slow burn

whine 'em up

whine 'em up

One more time! (yells out loud)

You've been a pleasant surprise

you were a friend

and now I got giddy like a school girl

and my gansta tendencies

of pushing all my feelings down

well, all these past years of healing

doesn't allow me to do that

Jim wanted to wait until I have an an apartment

so that he can come over and 'Netflix and chill'

Cali guy wanted 3 days unwarranted access to me

I'm like nigga please

only my husband getting that

Rich guy said, you'll be out of homeless in what, 1 month?

stupid ass. 100k in his bank account and could only part with $100

Cheap-stake like the Korean movie said

Oh, writing how I missed you

You are always there for me, like an old friend

people think I speak to much

and go away when my speech starts to feel like a monologue

but, you pen and paper

always have enough space for all of my thoughts

no matter how many of them they are.

What can I tell you? I dress NY, black dress tight

showing off my new commodity, an impossibly small waist

then my boobs come out of it because I got that new black lace bra

only one person has gotten to see it, you know, me

haha

friend that is slow burn

it's interesting I realized yesterday 

we both didn't want to get up from the table

because we were both having so much fun

he said his family got property up north

then what the hell you doing over here, working poor?

but just like me, maybe he wants to make it on his own

we were supposed to pair up to make it easier

but in life I have seen how temporary situations

turn into long 4 or 5 year situations 

and I'm not about that

I know myself now, where I'm at right now

and the woman, the tiger in me has been out, it 

roamed around and is fully aware of its power.

there is a need inside every woman to be desired

right now, Prince wants to be the one to get that energy

but he confessed to having a girl

he said he's basically faithful but he wants to fuck me

I said that's literally the definition of not being faithful

Guys are funny how they justify things to themselves

I get shocked how Cali guy believes in God but feels no remorse

about sex, its almost like his soul missed the scripture.

I just never been like that. I always saw sex as a sin. 

Similar to how most people look at murder. I hope when I get married

that negative connotation to it will leave. and I can just let go and be able to  

relax like how one does when one gets a massage. 

I'm raw,  filthy. homelessness turned me into a blabbering drunk.

I reveal too much and truth comes out of me like purpose.

I need to channel all of that into my performance, my singing, how I 

hit the notes. People have no idea how crazy my life is outside the church.

I remember the time I went to bible study and I had just done some stuff.

But if I didn't do it, I was scared for my safety. It's different being a woman and

being out on the streets. I'm learning to step back and analyze things.

Prince said he would have, could have. I'm glad I didn't have to repeat that 

if I miss one time, I am out. He got it, right away. so at least he's a good listener.

He offered to pay for a room in the daytime, again he wants me.

But he said that in the past and I warned him about this. I'm kind of addictive. 

But God wants me to save all that passion for later. Like Jesus, let that blood 

get out on the cross, it's rightful place. Why is it so hard to not avoid temptation?

Well at least with Prince there is a choice. It's not like the choice is being made for me.

Like how R.a.p.e is. 

Everyone is so scared of a word that I am so comfortable saying.

But men don't realize when they do it. Girls be quiet and just let it happen

and the voice goes somewhere, but alas. Are we all victims of hormones?

Mr. Ju Woon didn't believe in love, he believed it was all chemical reactions.

Until he found someone that he couldn't stop thinking about.

God, I feel like this society wants me to find my place in it by tomorrow. 

If I do nothing I get kicked back out to the streets.

but no, you will swoop in and save me, you say. I'm not used to being saved. 

It usually all relies on me. What a weird world we live in, correct?

These are my thoughts for now. Cherelle last night said I have more time. But I feel,

emotionally, that I took everything that I could take. I want to hug my son. 

Is that a selfish thing to say? Does he not need me like I need him?

He said he just wants to be with me. Living with me again, we already planned the menu 

of the first meal I would make. and we would eat together.

How simple a thing but so hard to imagine in this moment.

God when I came, I had no idea homelessness would be this hard.

or that I would be in it this long. I thought I would get him back in a month.

Am I supposed to fight? You say you're fighting for me.

It seems all my efforts go nowhere. Like the refrain, all my prayers go as far as the ceiling.

Oh, how I want to be by the water and hear your voice and the things that you say.

But like Ariel, I must leave the water and go back to human land

and here all that matters is money and how you are getting some. and right now,

I'm not getting none and so that makes me invisible like a ghost.

a person with a degree with no job is like a black man that's not  in the NBA, lost potential.

People don't know your past and always judge you for where you are currently at. 

I'm practicing being happy for others the way I was taught in church and I know

soon I will be next. but I crave routine, I crave a man by my side. I crave stability.

I want to hug my son. I want to take him to school. I want to be free to catch sunrises in the morning.

I want to be free to go to school and hire chefs to teach me their recipes.

David's smile when I show him the shoe closet.

A life that is brought together, piece by piece.

David is in transition, God said. It's not just me. He's not ready yet.

At the time, I needed to hear this because I was feeling like I wasn't good enough.

Again, that constant rattle in the back of my head.

 But that demon was taken out from me in Wynwood.

Maybe I care too much about Jane calling me. but there has never been chill in me.

in high school I used to write everything down in a journal. I wore one glove like Michael Jackson,

so the sex Ed. teacher, an old black lady, used to make fun of me. but she liked the look.

I had a big smile like I was going places. There have been times in life when I look back and 

curse myself. hate how the hope I had that life would get better would constantly not be realized.

and my life seemed like a nightmare but somehow in the beginning, yes with the roaches

and the rats in the basement and the fear of what new things the Dominican criminals would come up 

with, somehow back there is when I was the most happiest. Marco, Lesly, Tia Margot and Me.

It was us against the world. and the world was a place full of fun and adventure. Tia Margot would do

 anything for us, and we knew it and this made us feel safe. 

Now I'm the mother and I'm the protector and there is no one to protect me. Never has been.

So I protect myself the best way I know how. keep men at arm's length and keep looking for jobs to pay

 the rent. Live for today and hope for tomorrow and how fast my kid grows shows me how much time 

is passing by. and I'm still here.

I'm still here. 

for what?

5.18.23

cut:

dad left mom, my child's father left me. couldn't even wait until my third trimester to disappoint me.

he left earlier, so i got used to throwing up in the mornings by myself.