Walks in the Park

is it so hard to say? I want to go to work Go to school, pick up my son Go home, cook or go outside with him and play Have a car for now, later on we can ride on bikes or motorcycle The point is spending time with him and having a job that makes 80,000 be able to save pay off the 30k student loan in the next 2 years Live somewhere where rent is $500 to $600 and hot weather most of the months end of the road married david naomi you know this house where every night i go and lay outside by the water in my boardwalk and be able to hear the night breeze  and talk to God and listen back ideally the life that's being created for me

All my life I've been looking for community but it actually looks like is me looking for solace I like what the solidarity I find in my walks in the park I feel truly at home there in the wind, at night, looking up at the stars I yell out to God to see that he can hear my ex could never understand this And even so, every new relationship was a chance to find a community but the community was short lasted and i have to stand as one a community of two will soon follow and even then, i stand alone in my beliefs and my convictions but standing, nonetheless soon, sometime in life, i will find my own community

annoyed when you help me annoyed when you don't help without feeling guilty or without giving me lessons i already know all of this doesnt connect with me, with my soul independence is all i want it keeps not happening of some sort

Do i want a man that says the word billion that's a word coming out of his mouth i've been seeing your life from far away wonder when we will meet, if its all a fantasy and i know people dont believe like i do but God is great, and great are his prophecies We have similatiries. but i want to be me, yes motivate and speak and work, the work that goes together. i want to be free. like work and have a business and be able to pick up my son from school is the dream have life be run by me. my terms my solutions make a jump jump higher yeah life is not living unless you are taking some risks

Got no one to call i haven't been praying its been filled with silence i know i'm not alone. and i know he's got my back and i have to trust. i have to trust. and not worry but its so hard for me to let the time pass i make phone calls to new old friends and the list gets shorter and i feel lonely for the first time in a long time. lonely in the sense of having too much time on my hands. and looking for ways to fill it up. what am i supposed to do? am i doing the right thing? i gottta let go of fear.  and make the jump, once again.

what is this feeling is it lonely? no it doesn't have its pang. is it losersome? like something i had got lost away? maybe. is it lust like the sand that keeps drifting away is it wonder, or dread of the future, that is ahead they say be positive they say believe, have faith i've been positively believing for so long what happens when ur dream life keeps not happening and you haven't had the opportunities yet, to accomplish all that you can and time keeps passing like the tick tock and we drift it away with entertainment, to ignore the current pain

As he spoke, I hated the taste of his privilege I pictured it, the stable home. mom and dad with condo. no wonder that he wasn't stressed when he didn't find a job right away. but why so stingy? wanted to split the costs of dinner even though he knew I was unemployed. and I was there with my son. so two mouths to feed, at least. Can't say he didn't know it. yeah, like not a man-provider kind I want He was cute though. I have to be honest right yeah, so there that goes. 

As he spoke, I hated the taste of his privilege I pictured it, the stable home. Mom and Dad with Condo. No wonder that he wasn't stressed when he didn't find a job right away. But why so stingy? wanted to split the costs of dinner Even though he knew i was unemployed. and i was there with my son. So two mouths to feed, at least. can't say he didn't know it. Yeah, like not a man provider kind i want He was cute though. I have to be honest right Yeah, so there that goes

Everyone needs one to be an adult to have money you have to have money such a simple thing that no one tells you when you are growing up its the big curtain no one sees when you are small, money is something adults have and use you have no concept of it. except when its to get a toy and in that case, its more they give you stuff becuase they love you and you are a kid as you get older, that fades off

Somewhere in between The fraction of the tension Of our disagreements And ever evolving conversation on love: whether its being self sacrificial or self serving, forgiving or ever relenting, and the argument goes on And the language that we both speak your aloof visions And my hope that my dreams will come to be reality We discuss the distinctions Between what we see as possible in our minds And the current reality And limiting self beliefs around us Friends and  family  have have come to think as  "common" We revel in these contradictions like pigs bathe in mud Except we get clearer and wiser with each cleansing, each revealing With each conversation we can freely share those things that fustrate other selves And we compare notes, share on motivatinal speakers, books we've read, and leaders of this centuries and many past The people we admire, the way they see the world and the way we want to conquer our visions. Make them reality the way God made the wo

I just learned that getting married before in medieval times it was the only opportunity in a lifetime to escape poverty and the caste system, where from the time you were born to the time you are dead you were in the same position, whether good or bad i wonder if mud was common, like concrete streets are to us they had miles and miles of raw land, we have traffic in our highways Anyhow love wasn't just love, it was an escape that's why daughters that grow up in broken homes they marry early they marry early what else to do? use your beauty to get into a  better situation and anyone who judges this has never been there before when you have to charm to get a meal get a tan, get a whore who knows the difference between sex and love, anymore? so we're all looking for our prince charming to turn out tragedy of lives into a fairy tale worth telling we want the ring, we want the wealth we want someone to care for us we always think of what we

But I've been waiting I've been believing I think so and nothing is happening It's not time yet that's the lesson wait some more, prepare some more I feel like a slave in jail waiting for the release date when will my life begin a kitchen, that is my own raising my child, with no one else's opinions not getting yelled like I'm 5 years old I've outgrown this but money, you mean so much to this society unless i go out to the street like that lady with child both sleeping in streets in india it was sad, and an artist captured it in his photograph i wonder what was the point of that

I always wanted to go to Cali i found out this week its only $300 i needed to commit i never did get the perfect job that didnt end and the savings that would grow and grow and i've paid my debts twice so i got back in debt again, when i lost my job i couldnt pay it ruined the credit i get i see why now it can become a trap always trying to survive, survive pay the rent on time eat enough to suffice but my dreams are bigger than this i want to thrive, not merely exist

always acting out of desperation never leads to good decisions and we get stuck into new situations that never lead to places we want to be so please, tell me what is the lesson why all the suffering i just want to be free from your opinions, the disappointments the more i become myself the more you want me to be someone else

I want to leave this place go far away be myself at the expense of no one else

You sleep all day seriously I saw it You woke up at 8pm I slept while I was putting the baby to sleep Life keeps repeating itself I fall asleep, I go behind a commitment I made tonight it was us going to the diner after baby goes to sleep Couple of years ago, it was going to Neyorican with Sherin another time it was my friend. He came walking to my house from Jersey City.  I feel asleep. Missed the calls. So third time, life repeats. ok in writing this. and people get disappointed. Why does my life have to happen after midnight? Maybe I'm like that girl in the show, the mom that said I can't hang to her boyfriend so maybe that's what I have to do. Just say it I can't hang. I'm a lady of the day. lets hang out when i'm up. no vampire life. no hanging out after baby goes to sleep. accept this. i keep falling asleep. Things that are the same: Long commute, exhausted. Go to sleep without trying or noticing (until I