Anger

 you said yes then it was no

i was so angry today

i thought text him tell him about yourself

and i got so angry when you gave then you took away

not directly but first thing you say this morning

is reninging on what you agreed to yesterday

this instability, changing your mind 

instantly triggers me

another trigger for me is that of being rejected

I get ready, get dressed, get ready to leave

You offer things, I turn them down

You say you don't know what time you will be back tonight from work

I don't believe you, I think you are rejecting me again

My inner child she comes out

this strong feeling comes up of being rejected

I remember Samuel and how mad he got that we had missed the plane.

He wanted me to leave so bad 

I felt awful like goddamn am I that bad?

I kept talking myself down as the tears were flowing down my face

saying to myself: "hey, maybe he wants his own space.

it has nothing to do with you, don't take it personal"

but my feelings were there and the tears were coming down my face

It's always personal with me

I didn't look at you as you were brushing your teeth

I didn't want you to see 

what a simple sentence said without much thought, 

the effect it had on me.

then to make it worse you say: "take all your things"

like it's too much of a burden for the floor to hold my stuff

the floor will be there when you come back

I said something about how I have to carry it and hide it and how

I cant afford to lose this, what I'm carrying because its all I have left. 

The decision doesn't change. This makes me feel like my rejection is confirmed.

I am not wanted here

I leave, we goodbye kiss.  You don't notice or maybe I'm so good at hiding 

I swept my tears away but my eyes always tell the story

You didnt notice. Today I go out, go through the daily humiliations

carrying my bag and the second one

walking under bridges, taking trains, walking for miles.

the phone died, the internet went out, I had no idea how to get to my destination.

the dogs scared the hell out of me, wanting to jump out of the fence and wanting

to do something to me

trigger to the fear of the dog little girl experience comes up

a man sitting in the car shoos them away and goes. 

It is not a tall fence and it is open. They were jumping, two dogs

to get to me. my crime? walking down the street. 

I keep going, get to my destination. and help this woman with her application.

now its 6pm. 

before this, while I was waiting for this bus this boy got stuck in they middle of traffic.

I walk towards the street, put down my bag and offer to help him.

he was pushing the car by himself. i guided him, told him to get it 

out of the street so that there are no accidents. then he says, hey there is a space here.

i say, great idea. we go to the space. its a firefighter station.

another guy joins us, he says that no the car cannot stay here.

right next to it there is a parking space. 

we all 3 of us, work together to move it to that space. 

we finish, he thanks me. I tell him next steps, go to gas station buy the portable thing that can carry gas. then walk it over to the car and fill up the gar himself. he said he used to have one, and he starts looking up closest gas stations.

I tell him God bless as he thanks me. then I get on the bus. a guy come sin, has $10 not the 2.25 the bus needs.

he  is standing around looking for hep. I am the only one there, close to him as I am close to the entrance of the bus. i give him 1.30. then I sit down, I see I have another dollar so i just give him the fair. 

the next stop comes, a person behind me says 'hey, this is your stop, don't miss it'

And boom, here I am Hialeah library. I meet Sarah and spend maybe an hour or less filling out her application. using my computer skills and English. she offers for us to live together. i say we will see. look for places. she pays $800 right now. 

we exchange numbers. then i get text from Cherelle. call now. i charged phone in library. took it out when Sarah wanted my #.

Report cards, (good grades) and request for info I told her where to get it. that's my day so far.

The email that is meant for the teaching job has not come in yet. 

Tomorrow I call for the vendor background check thing.

I understand what Chris Johson means now, too busy being broke to get rich.

the important things, starting pitch for Neo. is like in the back. walking, eating, where to eat, where to sleep, how to do my hair to look presentable to get hired. are things i have to solve on the daily and everyday its a different location. the importatnt things get pushed away. i got here 345. i left the place at 6am or so. traveling for all those hours. got stuck in the tri rail for an hour. but lady gifted me $20 after i helped her find her way. she sounded just like Ms. Donaldson. she confirmed, she was Jamaican.