suya

 saying if I was more stable Alex wouldn't pee

she took something I told her thought we were friends

thoughts she cared about me and Alex

but no, it was all gossip

like old lady said, she showed me her character.

she collects info

said I'm pretty and that bomb right there

and told me where I should live

seems mom made her case and convinced all of them

they want me back to my place of bondage like slavery

I was in happy land wanting to meet my sister's kid

she wanted to use me and only watch my kid when it was convenient to them

like boom I don't want to be there

stop putting myself in situations I don't want to be in due to guilt

the truth is they cant help but be themselves and the truth is

they are disrespectful and don't appreciate me or get me

the codependency workshop was super cool

she said something like I don't like spending time with  people 

who emotionally or verbally abuse me

fir ne, men have something i have always wanted

time around men

my body craves it

no dad time brother was always avoidant

put up with me

but goodness I was in NJ you come around once

and its for a transaction, to ask me to give my kid away to you

like superman not wondering how I got into what I assume you think its a hole

mom oversimplifying and crossing all boundaries like she does

she hangs out with them and now they have put 

so much time around her that they think this behavior is normal

not I, said the cat. my happiness was never there.

go to Suya mom house I get cursed out by sis over turning on the light. 

I'm never allowed to have needs. I'm never important.

then why the fuck invite me? that's the shit that never makes sense to me

yes I am aware I am mad at sometimes happened when my son was a baby

so around 9 years ago

but its true

delayed anger

I hung out with dude

then he called me government baby

my greatness did not dilute his craziness

and the ability for the devil to enter him

funny when I was in Georgia I was going crazy with the lack of

stimulation or people

now its super stimulating environment but so easy to escape the noise

God why am I here, what are you planning? i spent day with Jose and with other person I'm glad he's working and looking much better and took the advice and is in the shelter. 

Jose is crazily co dependent. i see he's used to being taken care of. I like the spontaneous lunch i had at Einstein bagels. they told me stories and it was elevated, humans, intelligence, still gossip.

I found it interesting the way they told me about people that had gone to church previously.

the woman story was funny: do you still like me? it made for a great punchline.