you throw me out like yesterday's trash

 I wish I could say it was the last time

or the first time

that this time, this is the first time

I was sad, yes shocked, yes

but the pain, the pain was away 

in a place in my soul too far away for me

to connect with the feeling

I called Jenny and told her the whole thing

and even I don't know if she got it

she said what if Alfredo reaches out in the future

I say in a future that is not here

I will make a decision just like I'm making decisions now

I will be fine

Did she see something I don't see? Jenny asked

I said no, she sees something I also see

she's just not willing to put up with it

but I have such a tolerance for bullshit

and being in environments that I don't belong

What I learned today was 1. how intolerant Aysia is

2. how insensitive Alfredo was, he didn't even get that he cost me a friend

similar to the day that I was about to get hit

he told me to film a TikTok and get famous

what an insensitive thing to say

and what a idiotic thing to say

he did say something nice about so many blessings coming my way

and it being the devil that part was nice

but I always hang up on the ways people disappoint me, don't I?

Loyal to a fault

I told prima I have 2 weeks left then boom

wont see Alfredo again doubt he'll call me to hang out

if he hasn't done that in past 4 months

don't think he's gonna get a personality transplant

I also learned, wow Alfredo, read the room

I guess maybe we were in a shelter Alfredo offered her bottle girl job

then can work with me in KFC

made me feel less special almost like dang you offering everyone

so him doing that and looking out for me wasn't a thing

or maybe because I had introduced her as my friend

maybe he was extending her the same kindness

but I told him about himself (that it was a disrespectful thing to ask)

and we tried to educate him about how there are different type of women

he didn't want to listen, insisting the strippers he has talked with are cool

I saw at once how stubborn Alfredo was (to listen, to be humble against people

that know more than him)

and I then saw how stubborn my friend was, (not allowing Alfredo to explain himself.)

letting a simple miss in communication and make an assumption about him

I didn't want to be in the middle and be the Alfredo interpreter,

I had done enough of my share of being an interpreter yesterday

And she didn't like that I like black men and told me all these ignorant

stereotypes that weren't true

so she's not as tolerant as I thought she was

as always, it's back to me being alone.

I don't mind it actually. I had to go to room, sleep a bit, write a bit about it

so that I could process what just happened.

now two people I gotta ignore, my crazy roomate and this chick too.

It's exhausting to have to ignore people. We were cool and we laughed.

It was so nice to speak to someone intelligent and she had weird humor like us

Alfredo went into his alpha thing and said fuck her she's not as cool as you thought if she pulled this

and on that note I have to agree.

It sucks, really. I sat with the elderly. she said why was I upset. She said I didn't know and let it go 

basically. that she showed me her character.

God, what happened with Jose? and what happened with Cherelle's sister's girl. I cried so much for her. what life will she have? will she have the support she needs? and can I be a person that is stable enough to be able to provide such stability to another kid, another human being?