Back to you

 So I was angry and I sat and I cried 3 different times

this morning, while walking and third when I was waiting for the train.

Me, this situation, is bring out of me my most vulnerable state. 

I heard god say, (parapharsing) what if you misconstrued all of this?

and visions of things you did that show you care

even now god brought another one, last night you offered to make me alfredo pasta. 

i declined. this morning, you offered sweat pants. I declined. I didn't feel comfortable with your rules

and you gave me a shirt that fit and allowed me to leave with it. 

I needed help with the shower and you came in and helped. 

you were trying to talk to me while i was in the shower I don't like that 

but I haven't told

you that so you don't know.

You held me while you explained. 

you allowed me to be more comfortable, even though you didn't understand

and you did give me goodbye kiss, even though you said I had to take my stuff

$70 in a storage unit and I wont ask believe me

my instinct is like a crab, go back in my shell

I went over everything this morning

I said, am I not nice enough? did it bother him that i sang while

I walked to the bathroom?

is he doing stuff different because of me?

He made me go to him. It would have been nice if he waited for me 

downstairs. he doesn't know that.

God showed me (I call the voice God) all the ways you put yourself out there

and tried to meet my needs. 

I wanted to not go tonight, make you suffer. or maybe, give you the space that you have been craving. 

the reality is, you didn't text me at all yesterday. I texted at 916pm ( I said, Auris, keep your word its 9pm even thought you were non responsive). he said I'll be there in 30 minutes.

then God asked, what do YOU want?

and I thought of how I wanted to hug you and be intimate and its nice having you there

its 2 nights its soon and you said these doubts of how you don't know me

and we discussed it 

I addressed it..

then later on God reminds me you said 'I am going to do my best to help you'

You said this at night, when you wanted to talk

you said i'm a good vibes (and we discussed what vibes mean)

and i heard your doubts but you wanted to extend invitation for me to stay

while he goes to work wake up 5am so early.

it was considerate

i said okay, not sure what to say. i said i wake up 620am usually but after 5am 

because noise and traffic its been like that.

This morning first thing you say is 

I'm not going to be able to focus at work knowing you are in here

without me being here

You mentioned last night that I can call people and steal things

and then you told me what your most valuable thing is

You also had chicken that I could have had you kept asking me if i was goign to eat

I didn't have an answer, I just wanted to sit first

and the requirement is I have to take a shower after i come in

i walked so much and was so tired

i was sitting on the floor getting the strength to do so

I wasn't going to come

I know my value

and you having doubts 

make me feel triggered

i know its hard to trust

but having someone not trust me

makes me feel bad, unworthy, unvalued.

Just like the ' i dont know you' comment.

I have shown you who I am.

do you need time away to think about it?

too much to take away?

I was angry, am still angry.

I decided I should go back, give you a chance

you are amazing man

treat me good and I feel safe around you

and there is the extra benefit that we can do things

now its weird because I said I cannot commit to anything and if

I come back it means I humbled myself 

and there a lot of things to say

he needs time, to study me

it sucks being doubted on, after all that we have gone through.

A man provides, God said. 

He gave me food, I