Church Family

 What to do with you?

I am so honest and I remember last time I was really broken

My story is not for the weak

I'm like a wine that wants to be devoured

But I must stay alone and deal with my own crap

Akimieh has been reaching out

Why is it so hard for me to comply?

Maybe because we are not best friends? and its hard to be honest but I am too honest its more liek

And with Bryan he asked me if we are fine, I said yes but why do you ask? 

I get so confused with what is the right thing sometimes. 

Anyhow, the Adventist thing I look at it as too restrictive. But not gonna lie, its interesting and it did change my life. Now I'm thinking of growing gardens and being close to my food and becoming vegan. 

Why? All because of meeting them. Yes, and learning about food. My belly is getting huge. I have been comfort eating and sleeping, or more like erratic sleeping pattern. But tomorrow need to be on point. Got the medical appointment. Bring mask, insurance card, and carseat.

Church family, what to do with you? I hate the music. Singing those songs it's like no freedom.

I realize in this year I missed myself. The best sabbaths I spend are ones where I don't think of the rules and follow it the way you say it. I did the not listening to music, and I cut off the people God said. and I had the whole I felt naked while at Sam's club. I didn't share that experience with Sky. 

I leaned the modesty but not really. Pastors wife said she doesn't like pants. we didn't really go over scriptures. and the woman gave me a book and it brought it all up for me and it made me not want to go anymore. I spent money on new dresses at the store, and wore one of them and I get that book and made me feel once again, not good enough.

I need to change in order to be accepted. I'm not with it. It sends a signal of I am not allowed in here. i already need to change just in order to hear the message. So offended by makeup and the natural way people do things. I understand you do things your way and it worked out for you.

Their son is in the hospital and I haven't even called. She called me to see how I was doing. And how many times she came to the house and I didn't even want to hear the lessons. I was so glad when they were done. They challenge everything I ever learned. And I like Jesus, I have had a lot of mental time and shutting down things. I am a free bird, I like to fly. If I go to a club and dance, I need to know its not going to die with me tomorrow. 

So many difficulties in this whole thing. Keep the sabbath, so hard the first week or first year or first hey this is not going to work for us. What else to say? Family what should I do for you? You making a way for Dwayne. I like that he believes so much. I just don't. It's all new to me and I have no idea how to do it.

I feel like a single mother will get discriminated for their rest of their life in that type of setting. But thankfully they did not reject me and Dwayne said, it didn't even come up. But you know, what is the point of all this? I went and felt so much purpose in it. Now my light is growing dim. Faith is something that needs to be grown within.

I have spent so much time thinking about their concepts and its just been confusing for me for real. Its like do I want to change my faith? and why? I know the Sabbath is real, that's one thing I do. I guess why I keep coming. Everything else is like an idea, I have no idea who is right.