What have I learned from those people

 1. Mom- what not to do

What kind of mom I want to be? The opposite from her:

Cares about the thought, dreams, and building up the internal person of my child. Offer guidance in life.

Not just feed me and have a roof over my head but not give me any guidance in the world and go out there and figure it out on my own.

Mom, thank you for that lesson.

-Auris, she gave you what she has. She is not to play that role in my life, give me direction and learn. she gave birth to you and got you to this point of life. But how to think of her in a positive light? I hate her when I think of her I don't think of anything positive. Bob Proctor just said make a list of 10 things you like about your partner and focus on them. If you are focusing on the negative aspect, you are in a low vibration. There goes that word vibration, hate it.

2.  Andre- my hurt: I am not good enough to care (care to learn what made me sad) but you want that support from me and even take it for granted I feel like. Andre is a well that is always running dry and he takes away from me to that he can survive I don't like the way he consumes me.  Also the sexualizing thing is not cool.

-learned what I don't want in a man, opposite: a man that makes me feel safe, guarded, protected and cared for.  a man I can trust his words, that does what he says. A man that wants to show me off. A man that can buy me a dinner or just buys me stuff.

Say it: Andre, thank you for that lesson.

3. Angel. I learned that you could meet someone and they could be in your life in a short period of time but be such an important part of your life. 

Angel, thank you for that lesson.

I learned that love and time are not exactly connected. He meant way more to me then Ryan, and I was with Ryan for a year. I am also grateful that he came back, it shined truth on my perception of him and looking back I realized that he was not there for me the way I gave him credit. Magical thinking, the codependency book would say. 

9/21 this came to me this morning.

He taught me to never like, give yourself to a man that is not doing anything for you. He did not do anything and we were doing all this sexy talk. My emotions took over but it wasn't wise, however. Fall for a man that adds value. I did same mistake with James. I thought James would add value, but he never did. Unacceptable going forward.

4.Same with Manuel, it's like dang. I felt rejected and mad at myself when I thought of the few times we actually spent together. He hurt me a lot with his lies and I felt for a long time that I could not trust a man again to tell the truth when he speaks. I wonder what drew me to him. 

Lesson: some people are really hurt. He taught me that when he did to me was not about me. I always take things personal But he showed me that the way he treated me had nothing to do with me, it had to do with his brokenness.

Manuel, thank you for that lesson.

5. Henry- he showed me how fake he was lol. 

He showed me that some people want to capitalize on years on friendship when its not true. He showed me that someone can deceive themselves into thinking they are in love with a person, out of desperation and divorce and just being in a bad place. He also showed me that some people will not respect a marriage or someone having kids. They will shoot their shot and keep being around a person because that is all they can get from them. He also showed me that some feelings just never go away.

He also showed me how angry I get when I feel used. He showed me I want a man that helps a woman, not just takes the benefit and hides things (like he rented a car and was using me and my car and my gas and absolutely brought no value.)

Henry, thank you for that lesson.

6. Cesar- he showed me that people can change. They can go from selfish to selfless with their family. He showed me our mom does not mean we will have horrible marriages. 

David also say, God will put what you desire in someone close to you so that you know that it is possible. Cesar has exactly what I want: a marriage, 2 kids, and a lot of traveling. and a family culture too.

Cesar, thank you for that lesson. You have failed me as a brother, and I'm sure I failed you as a sister because you felt rejected by me and I wish you told me that. I explained it afterwards but you did not care. ugh. Cesar has also showed me how pointless it is to hold on to grudges. And he was always holding grudges and it made no sense. It blocked him seeing happy things and good things.

7. Pastor at my Sunday Church

She taught me that leaders can disappoint you. She also taught me that I was looking for her to be a role model to me and I desperately needed her approval. I feel the same way around Alaka's mother. It's like all of me gets serious and takes their words so seriously.  She was bougie and she spoke down on all my efforts. She didn't like the way I ended things, telling her, she wanted me to do a different way. and she did not know how hard and how much thought I put into telling her and how hard it was for me to even confront her. I also hated that her husband stood there and didn't check her. Like hello, this is wrong, for her to speak to me this way! He did not stand up for me. I didn't like that either. I don't want a man like that either.

Pastor, thank you for that lesson. If you don't appreciate people, they will leave you. Also, if people leave, give them your blessing.  Let them go, they don't belong to you. They belong to God. 

I guess a part of me wants a mother? Or just an elder to appreciate me and speak good words over me? It's like I'm starved for love, the positive affirmative words I do not get from my mother or Tia Margot. Tia Margot says she loves me but she doesn't say affirming stuff like Auris I am proud of you. Auris, you are doing a good job with your son. Things still come out as criticism. I remember when she called me and I was in NB and I was doing the laundry and I was alone and feeling lonely, per usual. And she called to say hello and what I was doing and I wasn't saying anything. I think she wanted me to tell her that I was pregnant, but I wasn't even thinking about that. At that moment I was just peacefully doing laundry and wondering what my life was going to add up to (as usual as well). When I feel lost, alone, and like a plant in a desert. 

8. Carlos. He showed me how codependent I am. And how much I will do for others rather than myself. That is why I want to start a business helping people I am interested in helping and furthering their message. 

**Anytime I am angry at one of these people, come to this list. Read this out loud. Say, thank you for that lesson**