Saw a pic today

 and I got mad

It was not a good time

I thought of how broke I was

and how that dress was old

and how everyone there, how it serves them for me to stay small

Is this negative? What would I have them do? Push me to do more, more than what I am already pushing myself?

Mom gave me a place to live, Tia Margot housed me in the transition. In all the world these are the people that have my back. But mom is also the person that I am scared to rely on. Because she loves but she injects poison at the same time.

God how to accept her the way she is? Everything she says, it takes away my peace. I see all the comments as victim statements and it gets me so mad. When she was here, all these things came up from the past. I guess I just cannot stand her. I do not know how to be any better. I am glad she is preoccupied with Lesly's baby shower. But I'm gonna set some new boundaries. I got my son's care. You ask because you want to be headfirst in everything.

I am tired of her treating me like I am a baby taking care of a baby. Any support is not coming from you. I feel vulnerable already. So i will push you away, that is what I do best. You never liked my terms, simple tenants of respect.

Life was so annoying and I hate it so much. But still my foundation is like sand. leave me alone I guess? go back to McDonalds you say? James wanted to console me the day I left McDonalds. I was freaking out I was like what if it doesn't work out with the job, he said you'll have a job at the spot I work at. What a ridiculous life. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And sometimes that means scrubbing toilets for minimum wage. and being tired all the time and going into a depression because your pastor rejected you when you wanted to leave. and how I needed to vent, to John and to Karena and Randall.

I thought of how they don't call. then I wonder if I am the one always chasing them. And if they enjoy the friendship or am I a burden? I don't want to be a burden to anyone. But my relationships are all a joke. I like the wisdom of them, they are old like me. But I be on the petty stuff sometimes. And I just stay away and I stay the same. and I want more, and sometimes I want less. 25k a month.

I want to provide my son a better life, but I understand that what we have is amazing. I am just tired of financially depending on those $200. But I know me staying up all night is not helping it. Take the time, finish the house, take the course. This light bill is not going anywhere. Its $75 this month. What? and that's without the increase in income. 

I want my non profit to help people that have been at where I am at, you don't even have the bootstraps.

I remember meeting the guy in Brooklyn I told him my situation. I'm like if I spend money on this I wont have money for anything else and you see me here come with my son. I don't have childcare to be like i can just come here on my alone some. Still I came, still I am hungry. I trusted Alaka, he asked me to come. But I think it was to fulfill a quota. I need to stop, for real. 

Selling myself short. Still, I cannot help myself. The opportunity seems to great to pass up. Now Auris all you need to do is actually start. Start Auris, get license. Do the insurance thing.

Did Ryan answer yet? He probably won't. I reached out to him back in what? 2013? he didn't say a word and I cursed him out kindly. I hate when people pretend they care and they don't. But it's been the same message, leave me alone. That way you don't know. You don't know what I am up to. I wanted us to reconnect like I did my other exes but you already saw, that wasn't the best outcome lol. Some things are better left in the past. hahaha