Lessons

 Ryan- I need someone that believes in me. It also made me feel like I wanted my own money, not a trophy wife like I thought he desired.

Angel- I need someone that doesn't give up on me when the going gets tough. Someone that is mature enough to handle my worst moments.

Andre- I need someone that respects my boundaries and is also a man of his word. I need a decisive person. I also need someone that is a giver. I want someone that shows his love through his actions. I want someone that listens and takes what I say into consideration. Someone willing to sacrifice for me.

Andre would promise things and forget he said it right after he said it. He had such a busy life you could not trust him to do what he said he was going to do. Andre is also double minded. I need a decisive person, no going back and forth. Like the last time he spoke he said what was the point of us talking, he said he already has a girl. That sounded so fucked up. He consumed me until he didn't need me anymore, until he had his fill. Couple of days later comes back taking back all he said. I let him have it. He is not a healthy person to have in my life. A taker. He did give this time though, acai and some cash. He never did that before. He did grow up a little bit in that he was honest about the past ,but not fully. It sounded like he cheated. and when I told him that he said it was probably me. Like whoa deflecting. Andre, I forgive you for all your brokenness. I wrote about this cat for a while. The drama, the up and down, the love bombing then the rejection of feeling his absence. It was a cycle.

Andre was always afraid to spend on me and I put up with it. He wanted to give me absolutely nothing. Where did his money go? I guess to parties and events and train rides. He didn't even have food in his fridge.

Sergio- codependent as hell, very sexual and had daddy issues. I want someone that owns their stuff, not blame me for their actions and decisions. Sergio also used me for my gifts of having lots of friends and popularity. He no longer wanted to be my boyfriend but invited me to a party for the benefit of filling the party up with people. I also want someone that we can dance in the dance floor. 

Auris- I want to be the type of wife that a man can open his heart up to me and know it is safe. I want to be a God fearing woman. 

Pastor Jackson- taught me a man can be soft and firm at the same time. When the situation dictated it. He had so much wisdom and saw so much beyond the surface. Great leader because he lifted up those around him. He was royal and he had style. That was fun, his style.

He also struggled with money management and we adored him and looked up to him. He was a great leader but he was moody and when he was moody he wanted everyone to jump to gather his stuff. He also was a prophet and prophesied over me and my life. He had faith in me and my abilities and he was the first person in my life that I believed when they believed in me. He believed I would be great. It was the word that God constantly said over me. He did not have a good diet and he liked to eat pickles. When he said I was a gift wrapped up, I couldn't take it. I left the church after that. I lived so far and felt like if I could get to church earlier I could do more but it was too much. 2 hour commute and I did my best and I felt like my best wasn't enough when he said that.