LESSONS Part II

 Andre- I listened to him because it allowed me to not focus on myself. He was also a good escape, it was cool to chill since he had his own place and my residence my mom was there all the time and I couldn't stand being there because my mom would not listen to anything I said so it was constant frustration. 

Wrong for me- talks absolutely all the damn time. I like silence. I like to be able to think.

Also he gave time to his passions or art and going out and most of the time ignored me. It made me feel rejected a bit, but I reacted by becoming like him, going out to NYC all the time too. But I would feel very lost and alone when I would walk the streets by myself. It didn't make me happy like it did him. But he did show me Little Italy and another part of NY I have never seen. 

I also didn't like that he knew all these things about himself that I did not know about myself. after that breakup, I made it my job to find out. 

 

Angel- he made me feel desired, great, smart, I could accomplish anything. When he wasn't around I was back to my depressed self, worrying about how I am going to be homeless in a couple of days and I would stay up all night thinking how can I get out of that predicament?

Wrong for me due to not being honorable, not liking my relationship with Christ, and overall not appreciating my artistry and not appreciating my deep feelings for him. It was like I didn't matter. 

Ryan- he was attractive, at first that's what drew me to him. the talks, he felt like a friend. then I started liking him and I liked how he opened up to me and told me his stories. That's how we fell in love. I also held on to what he said, idk why I'm telling you this (opening up). But at that time I wasn't ready. So many walls were up and I just couldn't talk. Too afraid.

Wrong for me- he didn't believe in my dreams, I felt it deep in my heart. It was hard that someone that I loved looked at me through the lens of doubt. His doubt in me made me not want to be with him anymore. I don't want to love someone that doesn't believe in me. Because I believe in myself, so how dare you bring that negativity? It also made me feel like he looked at me like my family. Like I am not going to amount to much. This angered me. Isaura spoke to him and challenged him and it resulted in us going to a party but he dissed me as soon as we got there and I talked to the people I found due to knowing each other from Rutgers. He dropped me like a bad habit. I thought nothing of it, went with the flow but that showed me. It was like he didn't want to show me in public? something like that. I don't know. also he made this comments that made me think all he wanted was a trophy wife. and I am more than that. and I almost settled for that. i felt like if i stayed with them, that's what I would have become. the pressure from Isaura like this is your last chance of being a serious good girl and a marriage. it was all this peer pressure to become socially acceptable which meant, being married. She didn't accept Gods best for me, which was to be single and follow Christ. being with Andre or Ryan didn't have to do with what God has for me. Isaura also doubted my singing and all I did for Mariela's wedding once there was heat. She could not face people's negativity and instead projected that negativity towards me, like all I contributed to the wedding was crap. she said to me one time, have you ever looked at wedding magazines? it was a slap in the face, like she was starting to believe what Rose said. Bad enough, all I think about when I look at Mariela's wedding pictures was those thoughts. Rosa talking shit and no body doing anything. and all the ways Isaura felt bad because Mari's cousin complained about all that Isaura did. 

Angel got the best version of me, open and he didn't have to work hard at it like Ryan did. Angel benefited from it. 

Marcus- he showed me pleasure. I was question the fornication aspect of Christianity. and there was this in my class about how woman catch feelings. I wanted to prove it wrong and made my own experiment. He was my personal exploration. It was just fun. But I got hurt, caught feelings. I was mad at myself but I held this thought that I was in love with him for a very long time, and I would feel so bad that he didn't chase me. 

Confirmed the low self worth thoughts. i thought he was better than me, higher, cuter. I was shocked that he showed me interest because I thought he was so fine. Similar to Manuel. 

Manuel- didn't think I had a chance. Meeting him in NY was so exciting. first, its NY. and second, he was so cute! Turns out he was sensitive, a person who drank too much for my taste, and he was just trying to have fun. I went along for the ride, why? same, I thought I wasn't deserving of his attention so I was grateful for the little attention he gave me. We only spent like 4 days together. That is it, and not the full day. That's how he was able to do his lie so well. i was super busy and he said he was busy so I didn't expect much from him.

Angel crumbled at my expectations. but I appreciated so much because he gave me time and introduced me to his family. It was like, home. but not quite. It was just like comfort at the time. and the day we took a walk. It meant so much to me because I always walked alone. I was appreciative of company.