Thinking of the past

You are literally walking backwards - David from sermon

Okay, 

I want people that appreciate me

My own family where I am appreciated and I am a winner

Does anyone celebrate Cesar? NO, they resent success. and still talk about his stuttering days. 

I guess we will never be good enough for them. But it's okay you gotta be enough, say it again.

I am enough, I am enough, I am enough. I was shook that JLO struggled with this. Like, you do so much girl and you have this amazing body and you must have put some Botox on your face because it is tight....

I have money coming in every month. I call my mother say I don't need your money no more, no need to send anymore.

I pay back Alaka , and Bryan $160 and Gordons the $750. Yeah, settle some of my debts.

Make 25k a month. Get the citizenship, the braces, a car? for what, to be able to drive? I rather save up for a house first I guess. No need for car immediately right now. Can go with a rental once in a while to go on trips. Whoa can you imagine that?

Imagine that, Auris. All the debts getting settled. The things that you owe yourself.

You wanted a car since freshman year of college. That was 2003. its 2020. You wanted a job that made 50k. That never happened. I did get close after I got Alex. I was embarrassed when I saw the tax return said 30k, I thought that year I had finally broken through. But no, it was another time. 

We went to a restaurant the other day, me and Alex. And we had to walk by the side of the road. I felt so poor. I thought, its night it's dangerous. I'm walking all this with my child a car can come and hit us and we will be tomorrow's news. I thought, he is putting up with it now as a child but as he gets older he is going to get tired of this thing. I need to do better, have a car, have us safe.

When I was in NJ, checking out homes that were cheap and looking all over the south for a place to move. I thought when I saw these beautiful houses how lonely it would be just living me and my son. And even the first year we ran away from home. I was always at Trent's. Then it was always at Tia's. 

I could not find a way to be alone. Then before phone fast it was with Jane. Jane is good at being alone. it's still a lesson I have to learn.

There is a way I speak, to figure myself out. Lately I have been turning to my writings. How to get all my gifts out as to unburden myself. how to have all this greatness, but have a regular life where no one sees it.

What glory are people beholding about you? in the Sunday church I hated how no one would greet. I saw someone said they just have bad customer service. A smile does not cost much. and I don't understand how i said good morning and they say nothing back. what kind of manners is that? I guess they don't know that either. and they all go to church! I was shocked. but I guess its just the way they are. and the guy that wanted me to force hug him, like he had a right. I rather be under the glass, respected and you have nothing to do with it. 

Same theme. I want to be respected and appreciated.

I am surrounded by people who respect me and appreciate me. Guys want something, like to be with me.  So then I stick to myself. I want a thin waist again. I walk the streets of Jesup by myself. I realize this town, offers me and my son, nothing. 

Is Jesup another New Brunswick? kind of, I am in a desert of some kind. but this time I am positive I guess? I just try not to get down. But when I see pastor and he looks at me with pity like I am the brokest person in the world, that's when I start to feel it and I hate it. 

Confront all the things about me that I hate. Learn to self love by making more income. It's a way that you can have a better quality of life. George started by buying a course and learning how to build Wordpress sites. He had a skill that could help regular businesses create a site! She was good at law, she needed someone to market her.  Every story I hear, it all started with a course. Grant, a course. George, a course. The guy that build the car empire without owning the cars, a course. He invested in himself. Came back, thought of something else. The guy who became a real estate developer. he said he worked with Excel and he worked it every night, going over the numbers and having different females help him. His method was hard to duplicate. Like how did you do this? Can I take the same steps? the things we want to learn when we hear from someone in the podcast. 

My foundation for everything is network marketing. That opportunity completely changed me and the way I look at everything. This is where I was exposed to the information. Reasons why I am up at night listening to LIVEs, free information from people I admire. 

Auris, abundance is yours, take your time to receive it. You will receive it, in time.

Take the lessons, take the L. People progressing and I am not. To break out of this level I need to learn to make some income and use income to buy a course to get more income. Make income. 200 a month, learn how to make 200 and I graduate to the next level. Small tasks, Auris.

Stay up all night, but must figure it out. Right now I'm at 1.85 a day with the investor platform. that was from me staying up all night one time and reading and figuring it out, what I needed to do. Sometimes I stay up all night and it seems the thing I do is not so much but then again, things finally get done. Like most of the things in this house, they are done by me at night. And they are still there. 

I saw invest4 more and I remember I learned about him years ago, and there he is, still investing and fixing up homes. I like that in IG we can see what he is currently working on. 

I remember the way Alaka broke down investing in apartment buildings for me in NY. It was amazing. His knowledge and it made sense at least the way he said it but I didn't get it all the way yet at that time.'

I wonder why he is going into life insurance? maybe he needs an income boost or the solar thing they are not doing that many appointments. I just know, like the real estate thing, he broke his word with me.

Made me realize maybe my husband is the one that will never break his word with me. Maybe that's the commitment that matters.