Why you

So pretty over there so great

are so content in your solace?

Is it that humanity does not respect you?

Is it that the other gender doesn't appreciate you?

Is it that you are trying to get to great

and are so tired of being broken?

Are you like me, figuring it out and wanting to have it figured out already

and no, that does not required working at Subway. 

I get it. But Auris, you are so much more than this.

Imagine you in your greatness. Imagine you in your power. I want to break free

of this limited thinking they say I need to change my mindset

Master, master, what else must I do?

I've been swinging at the ball for so long haven't gotten through, not one time sir.

Never broke through that ceiling, they say this world was made for us to fail.

But why do I fall through the cracks? Assimilate in the other broken people of the world

Staying up listening to these homeless men and hating that this is my life,

Listening to this stupid nonsense

Why? To hang out with Tia and I would say something simple like hey I checked out this place I thought you would be there and then she would try to make me wrong by dissecting everything I said. why did you think that? like its not something she does. And it was ridiculous.

Honestly, why did I put up with her for so long? Now all I see is the misconstruing and the misunderstandings. She did help me when I needed a bed to sleep. And I used her laptop when I was constantly in escapism because I felt helpless. What has changed this year? Instagram?

Was that really the key all along? I do not know. Seriously though. 

I stopped walking what did she do all that time? Did she show up for me the way I did for her? No. Interestingly, I did not even think of this. I never expect people to show up for me. But man, how I showed up for her and did not know her long. I wanted to earn the friendship I realize. Hey, come over and eat. Hey, hey. Even now. I offer food, you come. It's free. Or hey I'm doing this, tag alone. But what have you done for me lately?

Helped me out so much last year. I had my kid but I didn't have my career. and I was a horrible distanced not able to be there mother while you were able to home school and do all this stuff with your daughter and your house that is full of stuff and my house that you could hear echo in the wall because I had no furniture. Everything I do has been scraps.

It was heartbreaking that I had to go without all the things I had to give up to get here. My couch, the beds, the furniture. Little by little, church folk donated all my furniture. And Tia and Mom come here to shit on me, like they do. and it's not fair. You do not know how long I prayed and all the things I do. You come to tell me what I need to do and the feeling is, It's not enough. Well will it ever be? When I was doing good you did not hold a parade for me. It was do more, do dishes, stay up, clean house, fill my timesheets. Like I am a slave, one you have birthed. And I drove and got the chairs and put your needs in front of mine mother and you did not care of was even capable of saying thank you. I did so much, then was taking care of the guy's kids. It's like wtf? My home was not a home, it was a job. Always something to do, could never relax. And how can you, when everyone around you is leaning on you?

ummm I am not there, Auris, you are not there that is not your life anymore. it's interesting these things are inside me, they were like a past life. I never think about them anymore. We all level up, and our current reality is all that is in our mind's eye.

God showed me my future early. Like he did with David. I guess it was to bless me, to help me get through the hard times. I had his words to hold on to, I am going to be great. I am going to be a business owner. I will help many women rise up out of poverty. But I understand gratefulness starts now. I understand homelessness is what I had to go through, part of my journey. We are born into this world, man and we feel so out of it, so tossed to the side when it doesn't work. When you can't afford life. But that has been me for so long. Afford a car, or insurance, or get a blessing then lose it. 

Get in a relationship before you know it, its over. Get a job, boom its time to get another one. It got the point that I got used to losing. But I kept getting back up and fighting. I am not going down. I will rise, I got my baby. I got to fight. When I came to Georgia, the rules were different. It was a different game. getting an apartment was nothing. Getting a job well that was difficult. Being a single mother no one to help with daycare at all, that has been a challenge but I had to do it. I tried to do with family, that was not successful. Too much complaining and drama. I guess you pay for the professionalism and the lack of criticism. 

Sister helped me, we would drive to the daycare. Pick Alex up, sometimes mom couldn't. I walked by a highway I was afraid my arm would get cut off. Everyday I was ashamed of having to take that commute. Everyday a reminder, this is your life because you are too poor to have a car. Go to work to earn money, the money was never enough.

What about a car? This girl said. I said cars costs money. and I don't have money. but its hard for people to understand. Especially when they have stability. When they don't come from brokenness or hear your problem and want to solve it. People feel stressed when they hear you out, want to help you but they can't not really. They bought the Robert Kiyosaki game but we never played. I cant drive over there so I will stay over here. He texts me asking if something is wrong. Such a weird questions. How about what is right. I don't understand. I'm like why? I had a dream, and this means something is wrong? 

IDK its 542am. It's one of those nights. Haven't had those in a while. Where the world seems clear because I am at my typeboard writing and life is exciting again. He said I am a writer, I have a way with words. I forgot, I forget, it's been a long time since I've had an audience.

Figure it out! They used to yell at each other in the show. They needed a male older guide man in that house. I didn't like that the girl and her best friend were making fun of everybody. Also, homegirl is tall built like a horse. I get she went through depression. It just looked like it was hard to believe.