Thoughts 10.28.20 12:32am

Marvin- out

Alaka- out

In- Trapper and Chris Wealth Squad is dope.

They are all about investing. Work at McDonalds and invest the rest? Get to keep my promise and go to Miami, meet the Grant Cardone. Need that 1k. I could make it. But if I don't make any changes, I will always have what I always have, this.

I told Lateya, all these things.

I want to leave church, I really do. Its been screaming at me silently. A scream that you can't here. I am no longer excited to learn. Its like mumbo jumbo in my head. I am running out of fuel. The truck stops here. 

I seek deep connections. People go to church and they leave. The time we all got together, Eddie and everyone got in a fit. Lateya and Akquime laughing to loud, I knew it would destroy his pride.

What has been the highlights? IDK about the lows? Me feeling like I have to change my whole wardrobe, my whole life plan God gave me, go retired in some farm and I became a person that I am not. I stopped praying because I was afraid of the answer: what if God was like the God that they serve? he was strict and not allowing me in, then what then?

Am I not allowed? I had a baby out of wedlock yes I have sinned. so has every man that has looked at me with lust all these years and make empty promises they always tend to break. 

Isn't that what I liked about poetry? the lack of structure and rules. You can make it yourself. I hated toastmasters telling me exactly what to do. It irked me. I like making my own structure. I love a blank page. Always has, always will. I don't need any compliments or how are you doing? I need solutions, I need money in my account. I don't care about people that say that they are friends and all they offer is emotional support. Where were you when I was homeless, Marvin? Where were you? Where were you, Alaka? Yeah, that's right. Nowhere.

I guess you expect people to show up for you if you always show up for them. but I realize now its about their character. I am lost, like an alien in a crowd. 

I need a blank page, not hearing from anyone how I should be. I think it's time. Time to leave, maybe I should hold on, until November 7th and if the guy comes again, he is amazing. I told the lady my whole story. Now I realize I have to go make it happen. It is time Auris! Time to rise!

Breathe, take time to yourself and rise. 

The biggest issues I have with myself. I hate the way I look in pictures, I hate the way I'm too broke to fix my teeth. I just found out it will take less than $500 to go to Miami and meet Grant. What? WTH. That is crazy yoo. I'm gonna stalk? Creepy, no just show up and ask to see him. To thank him for the 10x Virtual Bootcamp.