I wanted to get to the money

The bag as they call it

but it kept not happening

Things kept going wrong

Get fired, go to new Brunswick

It's all about praying and 1 day healing event

and you write all the people you have soul ties with 

and I ran away, I hated the feeling of that place

and get driven around by Mona

It just wasn't me

I wanted to drive my car and have a stable place to live

I had none of those things, felt thrown away by the world

Left the Bayonne hometown, went back to my connections I called Mona

it lead to me moving and I heard clearly the voice of God say

then they confirmed it too and was with it and I did it then faced difficulties from the first day

I didn't have a phone I used the pizzeria phone and nobody picked up the phone.

I slept over Tia's house. and she still hasn't called me back. I feel unimportant when that happens.

I am dark, I am light. Sometimes I am one, sometimes I am the other.

What is AY? and do I have to go? I asked that last week. I don't remember the answer. They said youth. I'm 35 so I don't think it applies to me.

Pastor fell or hasn't been feeling well. I want to go there but I don't want them to give me a ride back, so I rather not go I guess. My pride is high. I am tired of taking favors. That was when I started going to the church. Now I am tired. Leave me alone.

I feel separate from God. i do. Ever since this religion. So why do I still go? I might learn a  thing or two. Sometimes the things they say make sense. I haven't seen Granma in forever. I miss her. She is such a light and you feel God's love in her. The kids are energetic and they want them to be quiet. Kids are not made to be quiet. We keep placing kids in adult environments. 

I get this kid, he acted like a little adult. I had all these dreams last year but had no support. working on a play, getting clothes together didn't find a way to sell them. once i lost the car, all was lost. I could not, move anymore. Not the way I wanted to. I came here, and again found myself in a place of struggle.

God I am tired of the struggle. Want this chapter to be over. I get money, I impulsively spend on courses. I'm like finally! I got something. But I have to hold on to it, because I have to support myself until I get my first check, commission, sales? IDK something.

I want to be free. Breathe, look up at the sky and smile. Going to church is a pain. You gotta get dressed and might still be judged. Eddie Sr might say something crazy that will make me twist my head again. I like his daughter, Harmony. 

It's raining! I haven't felt rain fall on me. Maybe I should. maybe I shouldn't.

Alex needs to stop peeing on the bed. Drink drinks at a cut off time. he drinks water all day. I worry about his food and tell him to eat multiple times a day. I don't like being attacked by my mother, and her feeling like she can control me and again, telling me what to do and telling me what I think. I am tired of it. 

Get away from me, woman. I don't like when she uses her influence for bad. And Cesar and Lesly haven't talked about it. I wonder if she did talk to them or they don't care enough to call.

Maybe don't care enough to call? Its unacceptable that I don't talk to my brother, only through his wife. He's okay with it and she is and it's not okay. she might think why doesn't Auris call? But I don't really care about that right now. Sebas said for me to come to Mexico. I didn't want to explain to him that I don't have the lifestyle his father does. And I have never been to Mexico. I don't travel every year. I take walks and a grateful for the sky and air and dream about the day where my life could be different and I am constantly looking for a solution. 

Tia she kept saying all I need is $200. It's like mom wtf. If you have a problem, why not share it with me? But alas, that is how she is. I hate that petty little kid shit. You can't talk to me about that but want to tell me what to do with my kid. Unacceptable. I'm glad she's not talking that victim talk because no one has talked to me and that's for the best. I don't want them to have any information about me, honestly. 

They know where I live and they have my phone number. Every time I talk to Suya, she's trying to get information out of me. I didn't like that when I was sick she told me to get tested for Lyme disease. She didn't let me speak. It was one of those things where I just had to let her speak. I don't think she checked in with me either but I don't expect her to. Cesar didn't call. but then again, he never does. But he got on the phone with David. That was really fucked up. When I was there in December, he sat and talked with Gregory. 

Then they wonder why I don't want to come around. it's like you don't appreciate me. I was in the same room as you and you ignored me the whole time. Then its like why doesn't Auris come around? Who cares if I am around? 

Let's talk about this thing with Lesly. Did she support? yes. Mom, she housed me so yes. Tia Margot is saying they didn't' support. I mostly agree with Cesar. He did hug me after the announcement I was scared for my life. I thought they were goin to physically assault me. I really did. It was so hard to tell them. But they already knew. How come they didn't say anything? and why did they act so casually? No reaction. Are they good actors? or did they see and just agree not to say something?

I don't understand.

I remember the day I was out with Cesar and his family. he said don't help and he left me. obviously annoyed with me and treating me like shit. Suyapa stayed behind. What the fuck was that? and staying in his house and he was mad I was there. It was like do you have friends that could house you. like its my friend's responsibility to house me before him. I am an annoyance. You have said it and your actions have said it many times. Auris owes me money he told Lesly. That's all you could think about when I was a newly mother. That's all you cared about. You knew I was on welfare and living with my mom but you wanted to extract dollars from a penny. 

I feel a lot of lack of compassion over this. It makes no sense. 

Anyhow back to the point. I wanted to get to the money.

Its not so I flex on IG and show my friends. It's just that I stop this cycle of not living the life that I, deep inside, feel like I should feel.

Write, get rid of this anxiety to money money money and all that stuff. How to pay these bills, but that is part of being an adult. I know, I know. But it hasn't been good in the past. I read the books, I worked at the banks. i studied people who earned millions. They all had a hook up, let's be real. deal with this company, pioneers. Knowledge base, ownership. it was all there in the pages.

I had sand and dirt and a brain. Became an excellent student, then tried to find a job like they said I should. Was always looking for work because employer wasn't stable. Then I get called unstable. Maybe she meant to say poor. You are not stable. like that is what I am, not my situation. There is a difference but I understand, I do. 

I hate being around Pastor because he makes me feel like horrible around him. Like I cant afford shit. Alas, he is right most times I can't but I don't like that they made me feel like there is this standard I have to succumb to. Maybe I should have never been back. I am a free bird, not supposed to be confined to a cage. you want to judge me by how good I follow your rules. Auris does not belong in none of that. 

I have to change my wardrobe, read your books, stop cleaning and do these studies. then get asked where is my son every time. I am not allowed to go to bible study alone? the answer is always the same. 

I want to talk to Tia Margot. I feel like I need a big mama hug. She asked me what I think. Next time she wants to say something I gotta ask her a question, like where is this coming from? You know nothing about my son's doctor but already asking me to change the doctor. and only doctors are in NJ. What kind of load of crap is that. I live in GA and insurance is here why would I go to another state? just because you say, let me guess mom no research right? You just like to load problems to me. 

I remember when we had a thing and she went over my head with Cesar. It's always her and Cesar, like husband and wife. Smh. I am not going to talk about this anymore.

Auris, what things will you plant in your garden? What kind of food are you cooking? Thailand food. What kind of money will you make? can you budget it?

OMG and Tia is going to walk around with a gun. She already walks around with a knife. Always ready for a threat, never ready for a hug. It's a shame to live life in the defense. I don't live like that and I'm not about to start. I am not dealing with any of that.