The thing with Marvin

 I feel like he wanted to limit my freedom

and I don't like that

also a lot of things he hates I happen to like

He is getting a mba? a I forgot. an advanced degree. moved to Connecticut for his girl? then found a program. so he is committed. his son is with the mother 5 days a week. something has to give. I remember when he critized his baby moms for doing the same thing. We all don't understand until we are in their shoes. I hate that I see him as a friend but today he acted like my enemy. 

Also, new boundary, the text thing. I hate texting. We talked last time, that worked. Certain times and boundaries work and in another environment. It's totally different. But that's it isn't it? I chased Porfirio for us to hang out. Holding out to past memories, who people used to be. following up, letting them know you care. 

and he is an employee at a bank, I used to do that.

I don't want to be an employee. We connected over business and investing.

I haven't invested yet but purchased a course.

2. I also didn't like him passing judgment on me and saying I was trying to be an expert or 'quick fix'.

Like quick fix was something that was wrong with the whole world. Everything is this is wrong, that is wrong. Blah, Blah, blah. It's like what is right?

3. Why Marvin?

I guess old times and he was good and he helped me move one time and when I didn't have a social life he came through and took me out a couple of times and it was nice to relax and get out without the baby. after lot of hanging out (just one time at the Cafe and then at the church event) he just acted really weird and I didn't understand it.

I felt so rejected and I knew it wasn't me. I was pretty, my hair was straight, and I was happy. it was like, why are you acting like that? I have no idea. But I was trying to figure it out. My thing is, if you are going to come, participate. I think afterwards we ate and he said everything he doesn't like about God and religion. It was very uncomfortable, almost like talking to a atheist. I'm like we were at this positive church event, how come you have nothing positive to say? It was very confusing for me.

Like Yomeiry, believe what people show you. Yomeiry was always talking about men. I think in my loneliness I accepted this stuff from her. When she spoke on the phone after 6 months and didn't embrace me like I thought she would, it was like a slap in the face.

Even in my family I was gone for 6 months and everyone acted so normal like I wasn't even there and wouldn't speak to me, not the way I wanted to. It was like nothing changed and I did not matter to them. I was like, I do not belong in this environment. 

I want to hang out with people where my voice is okay, where I am valued. Where my thoughts can come out. Instead of being in an environment where I cannot share anything. It's just me, holding everything in  and they are looking for ways to judge me. 

That's how I feel. Something is always wrong, you are always looking for what is wrong. Forget it. 

I don't need to be here. 

4. I am pretty sure I've expressed I want to talk to him. He hasn't made that a priority. I reached out to him some other time he gave the general keeping busy BS. But I do something you don't like and we have to get into a whole discussion about it. It's like why does that turn you on? You so ready to talk about it but we can't talk about our fallout?

Not that he has any idea about what I would like to talk about.

The girl I saw in the video, she struggled. But why? She said in her own business it was never that low. As low as losing your job and living out of your car. She didn't give up, didn't go back with her parents. She had a skill people were willing to give her a check for, doing promotion for different stuff etc.

Rene guy said I'm not gonna post until I make it onto Forbes list. And he did it! So crazy. I think he really desired it but I wonder how did he know what to do? How did he figure out how to win? What gave him that energy to go for it so early? Did he really clean dishes?

and BTW his lips are sooo sexy. okay, Just had to get that out of my system. He's like hot and its hard to listen to him sometimes because his lips move and I'm like hypnotized.

Other thing, that girl with the Instagram model chick. She has like a surgery body. I think they go, get their body done and then figure out a pay to get paid for it later. They look interesting because a surgeon designed that body! It's fake and it keeps getting advertised and for what? That's all I am saying.

Which make me think of Shanel chick. She said she was coming out with the documentary but where is the documentary. You took out your boobs and you were sick and all of that and you said you didn't think you would be able to teach again but why you gotta show your boobs on Instagram. I didn't sign up for this. I guess I expected more? or more like, say less. show less. 

The visual for the men thing was sick. the two black twins? visually amazing and holding their heads, this sign of like I am giving your strength. they are cashing in on this black thing. 

Anyhow its 3:33am I am still up. So hard to go to sleep when I make up in my mind to sleep. Had to answer that call, Auris again not being able to say no. to Jane and to Terrill. I let them into my cocoon. Sabbath, darling, rest. But my friends needed me. Terrill was in a dark place. Grateful that I was able to help. 

Who is going to help me? like get out of this reality. I want to learn how to win, get to making more money. Neo said it was easy. I was like whaaat? It's easy? I need to learn this money is easy thing. I never knew that!

I'm still mad a little at Marvin. Why did he think I was coming for him? Is it a logic thing? I really don't understand.

I am loved, I am accepted. Take my own advice. I am love, I am accepted. I did not feel loved or accepted with Marvin today. Critizing me for doing something out of my comfort zone. If I was a celebrity he would not get my attention, he could tweet about it or something. but he is my friend, had my number and it turned out to be the worst part of the day.

Writing is my gift. Terrill is reminding me of that. If I could just write, that is all I could do. What a wonderful world it would be. Me and my words. It's what I always wanted, wasn't it?

Thousands of people are reading my words. Ooooo