Feelings today

 1. It's happening for others and not for me.

where does this stem from?

2. mad that I wasted my time waiting on Shelby and he never came. I went to amazon and dollar general. All to feel better, in anger I wanted to get the things I was going to buy in Walmart, just to make it not worth my time. 

3. Amazon wants a lot lol.

4. My though process: Shelby didn't show- I don't have a car- I don't have money- I'm not where I am supposed to be- then I feel the bitter and I get into story

That is my process. I realize while I watched surviving vegan that I am in survival mode. I am afraid of everything! 

I need to believe that its going to happen. That I deserve love and care and attention from self and that my feelings are important.

Adventism has been a bee in my ear for a while. I have to change too much in order to be in their circle. And I am tired of changing, I am tired of being. I want to explore what being me is. Like the homeless girl in Ruthless (I think) movie. It was a movie of self exploration. She risked it all to go get away from her community. She was brave, she took off the wig. She felt her hair for the first time.

I hated when they cut her hair. Its like one is not allowed to have their own identity. When she said she is rebuilding Jerusalem. I said, wow, what an intense weight to carry.

The way the guys moved side to side was interesting, they pray and hum and go into a trance and bounce back and forth. They believe they must do all these things, you see. Just like follow the sabbath and not eat pork and all the other things that make them separate from the world. I was like ah! the Adventist believe the same thing. 

I am tired of being scared. I spent last year being scared of the world ending, while feeling helpless about my situation (single mom, not being able to work, etc). 

5. I realize I don't have a schedule so couple of times today I started listening to Grant or Youtube heaven. It takes up time and my mind forgets what I originally used these technologies for.

Also, I use the phone or laptop all day. The internet gets used a lot of here. it's like whoa. Content, consume content. How can one escape? When I was in pain I watched things because I did not want to feel the pain. Grant said his body was in pain, he started working out, took full responsibility. 18 months later, his body is a lot better and no pain. He got a coach, and he shows up same time every morning. 

What is my role in the Adventist church? What is the point? I wanted to stop going, matter of fact I knew I needed it. But I felt so much pressure to explain to them why I stopped going. I also didn't want Eddie on my head. 

I was feeling lonely and all the feels. Eddie said he would get me a dog. He kept not listening, I don't want a dog, I don't want a cat. Similar to James, they don't listen. It's like in one ear out another. I'm like I don't like dogs. Restated and explained more: I am scared.

With Harmony I started talking about all the problems. while at pastors house I talked about how me and Dwayne never got to do the song with the duet because its a two person song and he doesn't have time to practice so I let it go. Eddie said he hasn't heard a song in a while and Pastor too.

I realized I have been distraught, my spirit conflicted. Nobody wants to sign like that. I just started singing but it's songs that I relate to. Not their weird melody songs from old school. I tried so hard to try what they like and to conform and why? to feel accepted?

Don't speak in tongues. wear skirts. mostly the skirt thing. and feel poor. I feel always the reason to explain my financial situation to everyone, like this is how i afford my stuff even thought i don't have a job. Is it because I think they think that? Lord, please help me stop speaking these things. When I got around Toya and Bryan all these things just came out. 

Bryan asked me what was wrong. I was thinking why doesn't he ask what is right. I asked why, he said he had a dream. I said nothin is wrong except this (things I'm currently dealing with). But we are not supposed to share the things we are currently dealing with. 

I felt like I learned about the Sabbath more when I didn't go. Laid in grass, forgot about the rules and the structure. The environment was so structed and no matter how much I followed the rules, around Pastor he always made me feel wrong. Like the not good enough feeling. That's how I felt with the woman. 

She didn't know how hard I worked to be able to afford that dress. How much I went out of my way. When I shop I don't even shop for me, I shop for them. What is acceptable to wear to church. Have but one shoe I've been wearing all year. And the same dresses. And the same purse. I am sick of it.

In the kitchen I thought of how the religion has been deductive for me. Remove the things you already know (which consequently feel like who I am, even though I know I am a spirit) . Give up Christmas, give up your original pants and way to dressing, give up your passion for fashion (they didnt say it directly but yeah). Give up sunday worship. give up sunday church. give up your commitment to the other church (my decision I am aware). Twist and turn all night thinking of these deep philosophical questions. I don't have the answer! I really don't.

I just know I want to be free. I want to travel, get lost, sky dive, fish. do new things. I dont want to be here monday to friday then sabbath cant do nothing, then sunday. i am tired then week starts. Its like I want to control my time again. this is the truth. I want to get beyond survival and make an income and be able to do more. have a car, be able to drive. be able to move. have more than nothing around. I understand nothing will make me happy and all that Jazz.

But I want a community ( i have one). I want to be myself. sometimes I get exhausted around other people like when I said I fast until 12 noon and he was explaining why breakfast most important meal of the day and all that stuff. Then it feels like I have to justify myself.

And I understand, no one intends it that way. Like when I visited the lazaros, it turned into a bible study of why tongues is wrong. It's like I just want to be able to me be. And for someone not to feel like I am 'wrong.' Even if I am, pray for me. Beating me over the head with it is not going to change it. 

For real. I called Ms. Donaldson and she was able to come. I told her I'll do laundry before sun goes down. Why need to explain? I was so mad, got in her car and I got quiet. I had so much going on. It was crazy. Last year I didn't have for anything. David came and bought Alex his back to school clothes and supplies and did one grocery trip. That was amazing. Marvin, Tia and now David. I am an adult and independent streak. Want to have my own. its hard I have my child and I am still going through these struggles, this time with my baby being older. I have had the jobs and survived those season. Now is the problem of why I never made the jump before. I take the caring of my child thing 24/7. I took it all on myself.

My mom claims she is going to help. she said she would talk to Cesar, like that is the solution and like that wasn't the first person I called after i gave birth but he like always is never willing ot help. He just wants to grow and help himself. I'm glad he helps mom out and stuff. Lesly and Adam said Cesar does too much.

i get jealous of everyone of his trips. Instead of being happy his kids get to travel then go back to NJ. I guess when I travel I rather keep it in my phone and not show everyone. it's not inspirational, its like a slap in the face like Auris you are broke look what he is doing with his money with his job. Things works for others and not for me. I couldn't hang out with Mari and them. they buying houses and things are working out for them. things don't work out for me. its failure, after failure. 

When will it change? Well will I change? they say take responsibility. I don't know what else to do. Keep taking walks and asking God what to do for years. Kept going to church and hearing the faith gospel and walking it out. But that is story. That is past, that is my life. 

Create a new vision, I have two voices inside. the story and the possibility. teh story is all that has passed, all the ways I haven't reached my goal. possibility says in due time, and due season if you faint not. 

Holding on to Marvin like its comfort. But the past is not what I need. Grant said you need to keep changing your friends. It means you are growing. I read today something Yomeiry said to me, her internal belief and I was disgusted today reading it as the day she said it. Her self value is so low. She thinks she needs food to keep someone around her, an external thing. And her body too but she didnt say it. It was crazy. How willing she was to compromise to keep someone around as she says but the truth is, she's messy. jumping from man to man, from identity to identity never fully aware of self. I was the in between friend.

Just like Alaka, he said when I was in a relationship I disappear. He doesn't, its true. I don't know how he balances it, but he is still Alaka. and I still get care of FOMO. But I need to make my own story. And I hated that I wasn't in the boat with the others and feeling left out. But when we hung out I went to him. It is what is required I guess, to keep friendships going. But it is a new world. People will pay to listen to me speak. I will be desired. I will be valued. My voice will mean something. That's my wish. Tired of being discarded and being treated less than.