Thoughts & Rambles 10.28.20

Interesting moments:

Sister Jones taking me to Walmart and then saying you don't cook because she judged me by what I got from the store ( I had already got groceries, I just got some stuff I wanted that it was easy.) There it goes again, explaining myself. 

It is a negative connotation? Yes of course. I want to be in a space where Auris is okay, just the way she is. Not how much I cook or don't cook or breathe in or how my hair is curly instead of straight, or if I don't put candles by my windows, some spirit is going to take my soul away.

Uh child these beliefs, the world is ending mom says. She called me with all her worries. Snake oil salesman, wait until disaster to freak out. I need to create a fort around me like the wall of China, don't allow the outside world to get in. I want to breathe and get lost in nature, I want to be able to talk to God again. 

For now, I must find me. And what I say needs to be acceptable. 

I hated the moment when Sister jones came, unaccounted and forced me to change my son in the living room. I was explaining to her we don't change there and she was scolding me, your mother is not hurrying up she was saying to Alex. I didn't know saying sure you can come and they forced me to change Alex really fast and get in the car to make it to church in time, I hated that feeling. It was like charity but with a feeling of like forcing me like a dictator. I don't like when I am not able to be doing my own will. Maybe that's why I don't rock with sis and mom. They always trying to be on that control vibe. I'm too much of a free bird for that.

I want to dress like a hippy and put some colored blue glasses and shorts and black boots and waist beads and vibe. My relationship with God does not change based on what I wear. I am tired of judgement, I have been facing it my whole life. 

I should have walked out when pastor did that to me, holding my fingers and telling me all the ways what I wore does not fit the Adventist way. Bryan said, stop saying it the Adventist way, the bible way. I have to say the Adventist way because no one else says it this way. I have never been convicted by Christ to change my clothes when I wore jeans to high school everyday. Real talk. 

From the jump I wasn't accepted. I conformed wore skirts, because I really believed God wanted me to get the message. I forget Saturday school. Did I show up because I was getting paid, I had not slept at night. It is time to go. That's what the voice in my head kept saying.

It's the devil! its the voice of God! Bob Proctor says our paradigm rules us. I have paradigms about being in a relationship. It's a physical. 

Auris you need to get the hint. When a guy asks you to cook, he is basically asking you to marry him. That's the last requirement before they ask. My whole thing is, why do I have to be the one that has to go through a test? Show yourself approved the bible says.

It's always you are not enough. I must taste your food. Who says I am considering you for marriage? You are sounding like a fool. Nasean asked me one time and then Marvin. I really thought about doing it for Marvin, only because he had already done it for me. His food was sooo good. I loved the way he made the salad and I was there while he cooked the seafood which I don't even like, but he made it taste good. 

I liked that about James, he would always talk about food and his grandmother and what she would teach him, he said she taught him you don't really need meat to make good food. and was explaining how she cooked her spaghettis. That was my favorite memory. Or when I went to his house (lies, his name is not on a public record, it was probably his sister's place or maybe they were renting.) 

oh my god, when his hand touched my head. My whole body would shiver like a baby when you wrap them in a blanket. I had never liked someone like James, he was interesting to me. He talked different, he was so cute to me and I liked that he would call me and ask me about me. No one does that! hi, Auris how are you? what do you like? and just to talk. It was nice. 

But he had his agenda. to get sex. he asked me for it after I borrowed his phone to do a phone interview at the bank. I was about getting money and jobs and he was hussling too. but i took his words as truth and they were lies. I quit McDonalds because of his I went to the hospital tonight lie. 

i felt my son i the bed to go pick him up, 5 minutes away and he never went outside and ignored all my calls and text. blaming the job like he is not in control and cant send a text. someone said one time when they saw him what about the black girl, i guess he slept over this girl's house and lied to me and made up some hospital story when truth was, you went to sleep over a girls house. another day you said you slept with a girl at the job and that's how you got the job. I'm like who is this guy? and why is he telling me this now? i wish I knew this before he was involved. I was honest and he took my honesty as a weakness..

I was prey. easy prey. all i required was to be chased, and in my loneliness I gave him a change. I was socially dying, living in a new city by myself and i would drive at night. It was exciting going over his house and having someone to talk to. but it was whack form the beginning. I felt like I was being a bad mom. getting outside of the routine I had established with my son. why? over James? f out of here.