Thoughts 10.27.2020

I'm listening but now is so many thoughts which one am I allowing them in?

I haven't talked to anyone in days and I want to keep it that way. Marvin said hello I said nothing. I think I better call him, have  real conversation. Let's end that. I am committed to wining. You saying that to me the other day was not okay. I come from a peaceful, graceful space. I do not come at you in a disrespectful way, the way you treated me was dishonorable and I you should have apologized to me, instead of me fixing it. You are the same old Marvin. 

I am having the same experience, he texts me how do I feel. Who cares how do I feel? I'm broke, living in projects and buy my clothes and my son clothes at a thrift store. Have you ever contributed? no, giving money to restaurants to buy me dinner and convince me to hang out for reasons that I still didn't understand. I think you started showing up for me because I was a friend. I think guys don't know how to be friends. I have tried many times and sometimes you just get tired. But alas, I am a person that never gives up. I am genuine, I am myself.

I got jealous of old boy that married the girl from Rutgers and is now a pharmacist and has a real estate website and has recommended books and meets with his father on Sundays to discuss books. Any fraction of that I would love to have in my life. I don't have a father to meet with on Sundays, or a mom that gives me hugs or encouragement. I don't have a husband that works and cares for me and rubs my feet or thinks of me when romantic songs come on. I did not extend my education after getting my bachelors. I was a broke college student for 5 years, I was not interested in extending that any longer. I did not have stable parents of a stable financial foundation behind me. I fall from buildings and hope the air can hold me. That has been my life.

You just hope for the best, work hard and keep trying. Like a hamm (insert animal) at a wheel, lots of energy studying and cleaning and being top student and working and steppers and depression and mental hospital, then college and can walk outside and breathe air at 12 noon but then got class at 1pm. And 5 years of constant classes and living in places where you don't pay rent and the food you don't pay either, you just swipe and it's all taken care of. then you leave the place and you have 32k in debt and its a recession and jobs won't hire you and then you think, I was told a big lie. This is the wrong deal.

What have I done? listened to everyone in my environment and followed all the say. I did not become a singer, I did not become a writer, I gave up on my dreams and did what you told me to do, keep it safe, go to college, become a professional my father said when he was in my life at 10. 

Now I'm 22, college degree in hand and putting in applications in all the places. Back at home when I've been living on my own for the last 5 years. Last year it was off-campus housing. I didn't see my roommates, we all had classes and work. It was cool coming home and no one was there. It was also cool working at a restaurant and eating there since I didn't have an eating plan. I opted out to safe money, cool option until you had to pay for your own food sometimes.

I still remember the guy that when I was doing substitute teaching he let me eat. I had no money in my pocket and I knew I could afford nothing and I said it. But he went in the back and made me a sandwich, gave someone for my stomach to digest while I had to go back to school and keep teaching these kids. What about the time I walked back from an interview. took a taxi there, had no way back and had to walk on the side by a bridge that people are not supposed to walk. Cars in highway passing me I was afraid I was so close to the cars and they were going so fast. I thought, this is the price I have to pay, because I do not have a car. 

had roommates that had cars. I would take bike to the store, put it on grocery bags and get back. And they were there, never willing to ask if i needed help or anything. One time I asked Jess and she did it but begrudgingly. It was all, I do me, you do you. Don't' talk to me, I don't concern myself about your don't concern yourself about me. It was killing me.

Now I'm 35 and these stories are still in my mind. They resonate, my mind goes to places in my past that are strongly emotionally connected to me. Sometimes I tried to make sense of these things but now I just acknowledge that they were part of the sufferings I had to go through.

Why? It doesn't make any sense really. But it is all part of my story. and I am going to be transparent.

Diddy was asking Ray for answers. I loved the humility of everything he said. I even liked what Trapper said, sharing his story in the book club. My commitments require money. I need to cancel one of Alex's things. That will be a great way go pay my light bill this month.

$25 I paid today, to get access to the courses. But I already have courses! More courses that require time. I listened to the guy's story. Self made, yes. But you had your mom, your kid, a good job to sustain you. You had a place to live (he went through homeless season it sounded like). He also had a babysitter so that he could work those 50 hour weeks. Everyone has something to hold them down.

I know myself I would have fallen on the floor if it wasn't for Zari and Stan, my friends that were there for m and my son when I really needed it. You never know who is going to help you when you need it. Sometimes you need to take a step of faith.

Today I looked it up, and getting to see Grant is so cheap. I want to go and just to tell him that I have been trying to get to him for over 2 years. I made it to Georgia. was homeless for a year. I am still not there, I probably still can't afford Miami but thanks for my friend gifting me a 10x ticket, I am inspired. I want to thank him for all he said, and I am personally moved to become my personal best. This weekend you inspired me to stop waiting, and standing by the sidelines. I don't want to give up my son. It's one of the values, very important to me. It's kept me broke I know. I changed everything I didn't like up north. If I come here and do the same thing, what is the point. 

People give you advice if you tell them a problem. But then I also want to explain myself without necessary action. I need to keep that mantra in my head. And stop assuming they judge me, maybe I am judging myself. The lady goes to work and puts her kid in school in the middle of Covid. Oh, how she must look at me. Choosing to stay home with my son. But the housing is paid for. I get it, but I do wish to change places.

I hate being broke, since college and making those choices. But all the choices has led me to the well that eventually dries up. Jobs are whack, time to make money online. That's what I am committed to. Anything else I do not want to hear about, I'm focused mode. Need to pay my light bill, peace out. 

Take shower, bath get ready that could take hours if you let it. Everyday food has been a problem. I need to cook. I've been here taking classes. I have to do absolutely everything. People have other people do other things. Then Tia Yani and Mom come here and dare criticize me? Wtf? Who the f are you? I say okay and I do not respond. To be honest I was shocked, they came and had no respect for my boundaries. I specifically say don't show up unannounced. They did. I was taking a shower, I said let met finish. They don't wait for me to finish, they ask me if they can take my first born. 

Lesly said you are not a stable person. perfect definition of blaming me for the situation. Grant says be responsible for everything. Its my fault I didn't get a job that never fired me after 10 years like Cesar or 5 years like Lesly. it's my fault I went to college , yes I studied everyday for years to reach that goal. I am smart, talented, beautiful and overworked. went to a church 2 hours away when I was in new Brunswick. traveled a lot with PPL. went to Saranac and stood on top of trees with the Christian camp. I thought it was going to cause a ruckus, no one even noticed. I am not important and don't think I don't remember when you guys were laughing at me saying that "Auris is always broke".

Like that is something to laugh at. I will never laugh at someone about something they struggle with. It was so uncompassionate. Also, they don't talk to me and they don't know me. Lesly does talk to me but she got this way she looks at me and her negativity comes out of left field. Last time we spoke we got off the phone. Cesar, same he was trying to say something and I didn't want to sit there and hear it. kids love you, they look up to you, all this crap. wtf are you getting at? that I suck as a parent? Pretty much, that's where I thought he was going. when he has spoken to me in the past it was always, I order you around, I ignore you, or I try to same some shit to manipulate you (like mom). 

Like when I was in the mental hospital he was like I cant believe my sister is in a mental hospital (making it about him, his sister). Then another time: I can't believe my sister is in welfare. Like what the fuck does that mean? I'm your sister you are not giving me $300 I just gave birth. I have a baby at home that I breastfeed every 2 hours, last I checked my son needs me but no one 'pays' me for that. Government is what sustained me, yes their $300 a month is how I got diapers.

Like the time Mari said wassup and I said I just asked for a transfer so that I can buy diapers. She was going on about how it 'shouldn't be like that'. Well it is, same with Tia. It shouldn't be all that, when I was listening to songs because it was an emotional day. She missed the emotions and went straight to logic. I am no longer going to bury my feelings to make you more comfortable. I am not going to suppress what I feel, I am healthy now. God developed me to this point. I no longer live with people that I have to constantly shield myself from, I am getting comfortable in my own skin. Even though I always felt like I wasn't made for this world. so sensitive, so independent. 

Like a beautiful bird, they want to take a wild thing and put me in a cage. I tried and I failed horribly at your conformity. I tried being the good girl and stay home and study with the nerdy glasses. I did that part. Then I went out a couple of times, got my first taste of social life and guys and friends and I loved the unpredictability of social interactions. Andre was crazy, but he was fun. A great distraction to my fucked up home life living with mom which I hated but she leaned on me like her life depended on it because she was scared of being lonely. She still hasn't confronted it, but alas being with Leo is like being alone expect at night a guy comes and she worships him, like she is so grateful that he comes.

He plays on her weakness, he knows what he is doing. He got dressed well one day and put on perfume and a hat. he looked nice but it was obviously for the mistress. so crazy that my whole conversation with Nasean used to be the state of their relationship. It was always some drama and he made it fun, discussing it. But the truth was, I was in Bayonne again and I had a baby and I went back to school and could hardly afford food and he showed me how to sneak in and get free food after 10pm. I went from hungry college student to someone that could eat, and sit in a table with people that would talk to me. I felt like tortured in that campus because there was no one that I could have a conversation with. I remember the first conversation I had with a human being was with the library guy. And that's because I went there between classes sometimes. It was cruel. 

Nasean opened a whole new set for me. College was silly for me. I'm like I have done this before. It felt like a level of Mario that you had already conquered and you are going back and saying, this is easy. Of course before you conquered it, it was super hard. But it was also, like hey! I'm back! I get a second chance, I can do another thing. I need to rewrite this speech. This speech is my life.

This speech answers the question, who am I? Am I who my family story is, by me telling you superficial telling of my story, does that give you a better idea of me? 

Maybe this is why I like writing, people hardly ever go deep. I like to go deep. If I could breathe underwater, I would be all the way at the bottom of the ocean, rocking a yogi pose. Just humming away, looking at the way the sunlight reflects on the waves.

I know I have a history of overpromising and overdelivering. I know I struggled with money my whole life, who are you telling? I have lived it. What I think is that behind all the stuff Lesly said I have secrets and she is right, there are secrets that I am not willing to share. Why? Because it is absolutely none of your business. There are things about my family I never knew. When Tia Yani first got saved she came to my house and she was vulnerable. This time she was shooting shots and I made money, and I worked and I paid. She looked at me and said, I could make so much money if I knew English. I think she is looking at me like I don't want to work. And the reality is, she is right! I want to raise my son!!!!

Is that so bad? Yes, Auris. It is a crime. You are in a capitalist society, you staying home with your son is not socially acceptable. They want you to do what everyone else does, give their children to some stranger and slave away for pennies just so that you could pay for walls. go home at night and have a place to sleep and pay the bills to maintain such said place. Does this make sense?

Be away from your kid is fun if its something you love. I remember when he was born, it was a complete shift from me. I did not want to be away from him. He needed me  and my milk would flow when he would cry. We were connected. I hate that they force women away from their babies. MR Holton would say he would hear it all the time, women complaining that they couldn't' be with their babies. He got rich, he changed that. But he took it back to how him being raised by a babysitter had changed his whole life. She had put a conditioning in him where he learned not to speak. All day she would scream at him to shut up. He lived the rest of his life afraid to speak up. he had to overcome that to be rich. 

His speech changed my life, it made me understand myself. I took , was like him. I was an eagle. I was uncomfortable in this world that they told me to be comfortable in. I need to chart my own way. I can't be around people that don't believe its possible.

Oh you are a dreamer. I am also a doer. I don't have to know how to get there, but I won't stop until I do.