Up at 6am

Today is Sabbath. I finally slept and wake up. funny yo. I tried so hard. Gotta wake up at 9am. But instead woke up 445am something like that. Sleep passes me. but it's okay, it's that season. Time to be with myself, get to know myself. Be cautious, be risky, explore everything. Add to self. Work harder on yourself than you do in your job. 

Took long time to go to sleep

Then I awake again

Goals? I make 25k a month.

What will be different? I drew it out.

Teeth fixed, car, can go places. No scarcity mindset, worrying about everything. 

Yes, I will be the same? I hope different. More faith, more wisdom, more lessons through the experiences. To earn 25k I will have to break up the silence like Drake said.  Neo said they can teach people how to create a product that will be ready for Black Friday. Last quarter, when people spend the most money.

I shy away from it and find myself looking for a work from home job. Something to get out, increase the water level so that everything can float up. Something to get an income. But then I think of sales and like wow in 8 hours or I could sell a $80 product and it will be the same. But what product? and what do I have to sell? Is the question.

I wanted what's next, God you told me. Then I am like this is what I am supposed to do next? but then I have to eat some humble pie. You have not learned a new skill in the last 2 years. It's been about Alex and complaining about money with Tia. Now, gotta stay home and take my courses. No more talking about the past. I was physically hurt, then emotionally had to heal. Confronted and revisited the past with Andre and Angel and got the same result, because that is what happens in life. We are supposed to move forward just like our feet are in the direction to keep moving. When you try to bring old people into your new season it could work for a little bit and then they return to the past.

Focus, wholeheartedly. I did the child support thing. That was hard! But I did it, put down some seeds. Applied for a work from home job, took the course I am at 47% percent. Focus. It was tough though, kept being distracted by Instagram. This girl said a hack is to put do not disturb on. That has worked for me lately. I should tell her that.

Donnie Wiggins. Lord I see myself in her. Like I could be like her, beautiful, unapologetic and also great, and a coach and gets paid to help others. I want to redo her page. There is no offer and you have to contact her in order to start a consultation and wait for her to contact you. It's inefficient.

I want to help people earn more and make their pages more designer friendly. My super power is being able to do for others more than what I am motivated to do for self. I want to make others greater, their brands better, their reach wider. Get them into a new audience. 

Marketing, PR, website redesign. All that stuff.

Saw Carolina's website this week. Turns out her husband works with her! Girl has been selling real estate all this time and selling beautiful homes. It's crazy. I was shocked all the things I found out about Jose, he was a youth counselor for over 25 years and he has a degree in something crazy. I was like what! All I knew about him was the negative things Isaura said about him, like a controlling husband figure type. It's crazy!

I reached out to Isaura, but she did not reach back. And when I was in Bayonne her negativity was overwhelming. She would say, ah cause are busy to hang out. Yes I have a job and a kid what's the deal? People can commit and do things, she made everything seem like everything was  big obstacle. I loved the remodel on the house. It looked like a brand new place! I asked her, are you going to sell? She said, no I want to stay. Its interesting. so much story in that house. I remember the girl in steppers with the big eyes she was the tenant and she said the bathtub was so ugly when she left. Isaura did not want to own a home after seeing all the troubles her parents went through.

I gave her mom money to finance her wedding dress (for Isaura). And she never paid me back. I forgot about that. That's when I realized yes she was an adult but she was bad with money. Could not get approved for credit so I offered to be her bank, I wanted Isaura to be good. But I gave her all my savings and it was for nothing. I was working at UTA at the time. Just reconnected with Mercedes, she's doing great and got her family. She said she was  single mom for 9 years and just to give time time. She didn't say that, of course. But she was caring and compassionate and understanding. 

I remember when I talked to Alaka's mom. She was trying to steer me from life insurance. And asked what I wanted, I told her one of my dreams and she brought out the train and telling me all the things how I could make it happen. I said money. Money is important, my dreams required money and freedom and all that stuff. I am doing this for money. Turns out she was right! Auris needs more than money. I need passion.

Surviving Vegan is out there everyday sharing the bad foods and how we need to heal and I still haven't purchased her course. Now she got the text me thing and no link to her raw food challenge. I hesitated before buying Sunshine girl cookbook. I am like ughhh!

But I did not hesitate to buy the thing for my kitchen. I know a good deal with I see one. $32, different design but it will do the work. Take away all the appliances from the counter. 

I remember when I had Alex, Isaura and her husband gave $50. I was like wow. All the years of friendship and all the times I've been there for her, and all the times I gave her money for gas, and $100 just because. She did not do the same for me. That is what I thought. Some people are tight with money. It was her opportunity to be there for me. She did nothing to help with the shower. No one did anything. Tia Margot took it upon herself. She worked at Walmart to pay for the shower. It was amazing. Last minute when all the money was made and she bought the stuff, then mom wanted to join in. Again, an opportunity for Cesar to step up. It just showed me who cares, and the answer is, Tia Margot. She also came to my NB house, checked out my roommate and everything she wanted to make sure I was good. She didn't just let me go until she found out it was good. That was my best birthday, but then things got dark after that. Just like the Sex and the City movie. 

I also thought, she has a job and a husband and he has a job too. What the? I thought of the times I would give her my last, etc. And the times she yelled at me when she offered to give me a ride. One time she got mad because I got caught in a call and she said these people left why couldn't' you? I explained again and it was not acceptable. I don't have a clear getting out time. I do, but it's a call center. You can't leave in the middle of a call. Verbal abuse, and I didn't even know it. I just knew she was not dependable. to get to work, we both worked in Newark she was always late. Thank God she had a car, but she was just always late and then would make up an excuse. It was part of who she was. Then she married a German, they are so exact, etc. It was a mess, we went out and he was mad for so long. I'm like don't you know who you married?

 It's scarcity mindset? Idk. It reminds me of the church people. It's not that they are exceptional people, it's just that they had integrity.(OG opportunity thing with the church people in Brunswick). It was amazing, they all showed up. but afterwards, we all hung out. The guy that did the thing he kept bragging and all that stuff. Everyone talked about Jesus. 

I felt unsupported and didn't feel the love. Weird thing was, it happened for so long and I was so low I didn't notice it. It was like we were adults but they were acting like high school kids with their cliques. Infiltrate the clique, or just be an individual, walk the streets by yourself. One time we went to a NY event and it was weird being in NY, which was my comfort zone, with them. NY felt off. I was trying to explain how it was, because they knew nothing.

I thought me and Phil were cool, and his girl. We had a couple of conversations. Facebook knows more about them than I did in our friendship. Post pictures of girl right after giving birth. Why? Why show everyone? 

Tia says I can alter my Facebook, I say I rather not deal. I just go on to get on my Facebook groups. Maybe I need to start another account? I just deleted one. I have only one now. She does all this stuff in Facebook they borrowed a lot of things that Instagram does, like the stories. But some people like one platform over the other. Instagram, I can control what I see and unfollow people etc. Facebook I have it since it started so its all people I knew in college and are not part of my life now. The people in my life, they can give me a call. And most don't hahah. It's all good.

Rene has a such a good vibe. It's crazy! He ran through Target and I started getting pissed. Then I thought, he has joy, and joy is available to everyone. Stop being a hater, Auris. and thinking everything good is not meant for you. 

Pastor Grace in Jane's dream. Jane became he own hero and Pastor Grace crumbled under the pressure.  Most of us thought right? We look to someone else to admire and hate when they disappoint us or fall short (pastor Jennifer Mackie for me). But alas, the truth always come to the light. 

I did so much for that woman. Like the movie Emily in Paris, the quote "we do not deserve you, Emily." Emily had bravery, courage, laser focus and she was happy for the change. It's hard starting over in a new country but she met another expat and they got along great. Emily just kept going, and was bold enough to pitch the top person in his brand. She wanted to move it forward. But her ideas were too big for the brand. Someone like that, a disruptor, needs to create their own company. But the company already had the clients. It was, interesting.

BTW, Auris. Mariela's husband worked in marketing. wondering how he got that job. You don't hear about that career path. I thought it was nice they let me into their home after all this time. But I think the truth is, they are empty and they want to fill up the silence with people. Mariela said I didn't care because I don't go to an event. it was an interesting assumption. You have to go to events to prove your friendship. I am not that type, not that type. 

I listened to WAP and my type and I wish I didn't. And that crazy song that came up on my feed, like you need to look into this rapper! its like alcohol poison for the brain. I'm like ugh!!! but my brain heard it and it was in a song so it caught on. I didn't like how much skin Cardi showed. Kids are gonna watch this! I felt the same way with the Rihanna song one summer. I'm like kids are going to hear this. The world is not just adult, kids are going to be around to hear it. It's all programming. 

Make sure you have the right programming, the right thoughts. I was having a dream about the things Bob Proctor talked about, like thought waves and I was starting some business of something I heard on Instagram but I was supposed to be on a higher thought plane. 

In NB, this cook walked with me one time and told the other cooks that he felt sorry for me. Like he was fat and all that, I'm cute why he think he feels bad for me? I know I'm down to earth and talk about my problems but bruh. I'm a college student. I always hold on to that, but no one in this world seems to value it. Anyhow I was thinking of how Leo when he was drunk asked me to marry his cousin. Mom was driving not saying anything like this is acceptable behavior. she feels comfortable dating drunks, she keeps attracting them. the drunk doctor, then that guy she married, and then Leo. The only one that didn't like to drink was my dad. Funny, she had 2 girls with him. But he wasn't a provider, she wanted and needed a provider. He got with a woman that she paid the bills and he lived good, didn't have to work. That was his thing. He was an inventor and I loved hearing Robert's stories about my dad. Things I never heard. Mom never talked and everything was a mystery. where is my dad? where you ever married? We had to ask other people. she refused to talk about it. when we had a car, Cesar would ask questions for hours until he would wear her down. but it was like he was the husband driving and she was the wife and we were the kids in the back. Whatever Cesar said was the law. She gave him too much power.  

Family I'm gonna keep them at an arm's distance from now on. Too much trouble and drama. It was nice that my cousin drove me to the party and his girl went (so rare). I be getting mad FOMO when I see them doing stuff without me but I have to understand I came to Georgia, doesn't mean they have to invite me. Daniel is just so disrespectful. And he gets worse. I want to be around people that respect me and value what I say, or nobody at all. I got really hurt when Daniel was like, I don't know who you are, I don't trust you. It really hurt me. I guess I trust people easily and I am family and I treated him so good. IDK what would make him say that, when I talked to Ludin she would make excuses for him and his behavior, like any mother would. 

I love Alaka's message years ago on Mother's day "God buried his heart in a mother" something like that. It was really beautiful. I sent him a  picture of me and Alex when the sun was shining on us. We were so happy. And Tia Margot called me when I was in NY, crossing the street. Ubers and all of that, it was so convenient at that time, even getting close down the street because in NY down the street is just the longest blocks every. Why they made it that way? Then fine you to park your car anyway unless you have a parking thing. 

IDk why I'm thinking of Jim Gaffigan and how his brother came to town, trying to have his life. 5th floor walk up. Multiple kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. Jim kept saying, I worked for free for years in comedy, barely making a living to get here. I really love Jim Gaffigan, he is just a joy. The joke when he was young his timing, the voice he uses, timeless. I remember when I found him, would watch Netflix specials on my bed and laugh and stay up and sleep in a bunk beds like I was a teenager. I was in the bottom, homegirl and her friend slept on the top. It was so weird having to share a room and at my age. But that's where I was. At my age, not with a guy or in a house or learning how to clean up poop after a dog. I was back in my college town with college aged girls that were in a new generation and judging me by their standards. They wanted me to live with them, I had been through all they had been through. Life happens in stages. They didn't get it, but they also didn't want to listen to me. They thought I had no friends then homegirl got shocked when I had so many people pass through the house. She was like, who is this? and who is that? like girl I make friends everywhere I go but they are adults, we go home after work. It's not college. The last day she spoke to me. it was a little too late. By that point, I didn't need or expect anything from her. Her smile was fake. She cried one time that was the only time I saw her be vulnerable. Rebecca handled that well, looking through the paper to find her insurance. Jessica thought she was organized, but she wasn't. 

I remember when they ignored me until the time clicked to the meeting time. I'm like where they do that at? You really gonna avoid looking in my eyes or conversation until the meeting? ignore a person while they are right in front of you. 

I liked the show Empire, when they would show the scenes in Philly. They were 2 homeless kids. Lucius was cute, but Cookie didn't feel safe. She put her trust in him. I thought also it was interesting that their son got inspired to write a whole album on them, when Cookie met Lucius. It was hot. And it was a reminder of the family history, of the brand.

Okay, I think I'm done. My thoughts are random, but not to me. I like that Erin book, she was super random and she found someone that was random too. She got her. It was so interesting.