We're gonna walk it out

 Who is Auris? Hey guys! this is my third draft.

I wrote one, then another speech and this one I am trying to get to the bottom of the cookie jar.

Who am I outside of my family? Outside of the place I was born? Outside of the outside identities I put on and tried to make them fit like an oversized coat but finally I gave up.

The truth is, I am tired. 

My whole life has been about conforming. Even when I thought I was making my own choices, I was still conforming. News flash: everything I like is not popular!

I don't like the lyrics in mainstream Beyonce and Rihanna songs. I don't drink alcohol and have been forced to be asked to give explanations in every college gathering with everyone having red cups but me. In Christianity, there are different versions of Christians. Recently I met a new group and they insist of wearing skirts and no makeup and no music and no movies and every time I go I hear a new rule. 

from the jump, I was not enough. I was not accepted. Why did i try to conform to fit this environment? It is because my whole life I have been uncomfortable? I have to change my answers, the first ones that come to mind are never acknowledged, they are denied.

I joined network marketing my freshman year of college and I absolutely loved it! went to Saturday meetings and started public speaking and wearing suits, I really took it on. I went to Vegas, and Oklahoma and conventions and I met a guy from Hawaii that rode in boats all day for his day job. I still remember the memory of his face and the way his skin shined in the sun. 

I remember meeting Brian Carruthers and how short he was in person, but how magnetic and magical his energy was up close. I just said a sentence and he did a whole speech. The worst part is, I remember how astounded I was that he was even speaking to me. 

Me and my group it was Porfirio from the Bronx, I was from NJ, Alaka from Brooklyn, Saramiris from Staten Island and Jessica from far rockaway queens. A place so far from everything, they had included it in the game.

We would just get together in groups and go out to recruit. We went to all the meetings, the conference calls, we went to church together on Sundays. we were a team, there was so much synergy. But more importantly, we were a family. 

They are still my friends until this day and many from the company have gone on to accomplish amazing things, some I have watched on TV competition for apprentice jobs with major names in entertainment. I know where they learned the stuff they talked about on TV.

I modeled throughout college, I took part in all the fashion shows but I did that since I was 10. I took part in all the open mics and occupied every stage that I had available.

I even took hours trip to visit Nuyorican Poets Cafe. Ooo and I got so jealous when my friends went without me knowing that is my thing. That reminds me about Trent. He knows how much I love poetry and he didn't tell me when the poetry people came to town to do the event in his restaurant. Once again, I thought we were friends. But again, it is due to the character of the person.

Like he time he set me up with the guy for a playdate. I didn't know it was that guy I wouldn't have gone. then he took my son for a haircut and he was trying to keep his word. But Yomeiry told me a whole bunch of stories about him. So much drama but I was like whoa I thought we were friends Trent. How you gonna put your cook's needs over me? 

I think people didn't see me as a mother. they see me as a consumer and a person that needs to provide. I get it but honestly I don't. I want to live my life and my life meant I depended on Trent for rides.

My life sucks! and I keep pretending that its okay. its not, and like the guy said in an interview, no one is going to come save me. I could sit here and tell you about my childhood and all the dreams my family chattered. I could tell you all the ways I did what they said and all the ways it did not work for me. I could tell you all the people I helped that don't even talk to me  anymore.

I could tell you, nut I'm not. I'm telling you that I'm on this journey and I've never been so alone. I'm in Georgia, everyone I know is in NJ and I'm on a zoom call with people from Mississippi! This how discombobulated my life has been.

I'm broke, but the bible say I am rich. I have so many things deep inside of me. and I got away from it all so that I can be myself at the expense of nobody else. 

I will speak forth this speech, I want to tell you that I've been figured it out for so long and I'm sick of it. Every time I win at something I don't make a note of it, just keep telling myself how to make it better. see right now I am I the home office I've been believing God for for years. In my wins, people were not excited for me. In my losses, people have sympathized with me.

I have been used, taken advantage of, not acknowledged and unappreciated.

You in our few encounters saw the gifts in me that I see myself. I feel like I have been walking around with a black plastic bag over myself and people are just shooting insults.

I am no longer going to eat that sandwich. For the first time in my life I haven't talked to my mom because the last conversation we had she threatened me. no threats, that's a boundary.

I have been drinking a smoothie everyday as of this writing this is the 6th day. I post it on my Instagram. I've been teaching myself about how to be vegan for the past year and how to post stories for the past week. I just learned how to add music.

I bought a whole bunch of courses and now I don't have money to pay by light bill. but that's okay, i got behind when my mom visited and popped up on me without telling me. thank God my uncle gave me a heads up. but all they did when they came here was tear me down. 

I am tired, and I am exhausted and I think I will isolate myself in my cocoon season only allowing good things to be hear by me. In the meantime, Its getting exhausting trying to figure out how to make money while having a lifestyle where I don't drive and to get to places i have to call a taxi. 

Ooo mountains, we're gonna work it out. I rise up, rise like that day. I rise up, rise unafraid I rise up. Times again, ooo ooo oo oooo ooo.