Terril Paris LIVE 10.18 8pm

 Friendship:

You live with your mom. I've been on my own for a long time. I was taking their word like it meant something for so long. I was the one that gave these people value. These people don't mean shit. 

At the end of the day, they all got problems. He cheated on his great wife and I never say nothing about that. He is trying to tell me something, one breath you have the greatest wife and I got you recorded with the girl you cheated on, she's married too.

Everyone thinks that their credible. Even better you don't even listen to your own BS advice. Why would I listen to it? I was giving it credence, I felt like I didn't know any better

I reflected and thought and wrote things down. I know what podcast I need to do. 

I wrotet 14 podcast for different people. No one of the them can live up to what I wrote. 

One major thing Auris said:

I am not in the right space. 

I ask you to listen to a podcast, you shortly you gave me a critique. I was like "wait, she listened to it."

 I asked so many and they didn't even listen to it.

I am around people take me for granted. I said: You have taken yourself for granted. 

Terrill- why did you say that? what am I doing? Where does that come from?

I don't need a person to tell me I have a great show or say I have a podcast. These people are not doing shit. At least on my end, if I was a female they would be into it. 

"Finding my way back.... to sanity" my own podcast. It's not about me its one of those fictional non fictional stories. Real experiences. Therapy meeting tomorrow. portray it as non fiction. Like the Truman show. You got a concept.  All I had was concepts for other people but they couldn't execute. 

I wanted to call you for 3 days. I'm  to doing that, calling or sending unnecessary texts. 

Terrill, spent whole weekend on my own. Today just talked to people. 

More: Auris said dwell in this. fighting loneliness. I sat in it, she said sit in it, face it. I stayed in the apartment in the job in secret, anxiety is already high. This was already supposed to happen. 

I'm embracing it, not whining, not pouting. It is frustrating. Annoying, ticking me off. The fact is, I gotta go through this without question. And I gotta realize, one thing that was bothering me was my baby mother, she was f**ing another dude. Why does that concern you? that has nothing to do with your kids. When she cheated and got found out, she laughed.

Terrill: Now I'm starting to think about it, this chick one of my friend literally trying to deal with. "She needs to come through me." Are you serious? I actually sat her and listened to you, I listened to you. You a Jezebel! You had threesome with 2 best friends.

I am there for my kids. You got the nerve to talk about my kid's mother. Let me talk about her, thinking you are real and real feedback.

I used to read Fam! It was documented. I used to bring books to the dining table.

Auris: new commitment stop everything that I am doing at bedtime and go read him a book.

Auris: IDK about you, but I didn't get my parade. It's expected. you put people in front of your needs. Then they learn to stop appreciating it, boundaries.

There for first 2 years, moved back to NB, got back with baby mother. Guatemalan chick got pissed case I was having another son with my baby son. I was working at Rutgers. My son was 5 at this time. I was having supervised visitation at Trenton, I cant meet up on Thursdays. She flipped out, I cant do that. 'oh I'm gonna get you a new daddy' when I didn't comply with what she said. May 2010 last time I saw him.

Part of why I can't move forward. Last night, I start googling and Idk if you know this you can find peoples phone online. I looked for her on social media. I wasn't trying to go through the court. I was in my bad. I finding her number, I text her and she didn't text me back.  It was her brother, me and him are talking and he says 'You gotta be very careful, its all about the kid. He didn't want to say it, is I shouldn't be trying to contact my son.'  He's at family functions, everyone last name is Diaz his name is "Gordon?' you don't think he thinks about that.

Not all conversations are for everybody. He doesn't know shit about this, only what they told him. I know him, he was my man. I saw him from 16 to 20, stage of rebellion with his parents and he could get away with it. He ended up dating this chick with 3 kids. He's on the phone, saying you don't need to be his dad. (Auris) Terrill: you get it! 

Last text, I had your back after you did that with the thing with hot plate to my sister. He's not willing to provide any information. I thought you would be the bridge. But I could see he thinks he is protecting my son of me. 

What are you grateful for?

1. Grateful I can see my feet, all my limbs.

2. Grateful 2 of my kids love me (goes on story about Guatemalan kid) .. now on her brother's text.

3. Walk to my Uber, participate in my job

4. Somehow I ended up with 2 jobs that I accommodate my life.

Smoking weed in the basement.

We get groceries at Walmart and stay on the weekend, drive the truck.

I know! Let's be real, I'm homeless. If I lose this job, I lose these keys. They are renting this shit at the end of the month. I gotta take this and move it to another crib. I'm still navigating shit through this.