Red Juice (stop to a great morning)

 Alex spilled red juice. It's the one that stains, it stained the counters for like a week.

I start cursing and speaking and really aggravated.

I'm tired of cleaning, been cleaning since I woke up. (9am, been in the kitchen didn't even have breakfast yet) @after 11am

And here you are, making more work for me.

Already got all the stuff in the living room, new clothes Zari sent got red juice on them.

Means I'm gonna have to go to the laundry. I am still working on his pee clothes!

I don't have a washer and dryer yet. More money out, more work, more and more work.

I keep thinking I don't want him to think he can't make mistakes.

But I am so mad! I turn off the TV cause I don't want him to be all good like nothing happened when it shifted my whole mood.

Is my mood so easy to shift? Can someone give me a book? I am tired of this shit.

I go haywire, turn off his TV. He starts crying and says why, and starts crying so I put him in time out so that he thinks about why. It's like I'm punishing him for the mistake he did affecting my mood.

He asked me to serve him favorite juice. I did, then he served himself a second serving. It's like hello, I am right here at home with you. I put this on the table so that I don't have to go back and forth from the fridge to the table. 

And you serve yourself, you are supposed to ask me to serve. This is the whole point of me getting a pitcher. 

I wonder when this anger is going to go away, but until then I am livid. I feel like he is making extra work for me. And I'm working hard enough and it's too much.

I feel inadequate, like a shit mom. I can't make money I'm with him all the time. Lost on money for all these years. Being a mom, not getting a babysitter. I want to win, I want to be able to have a car and have a place to live that is not govt funded. Being a full time mom, I worked in McDonalds when he was in school. I worked in a bank and it didn't go because I needed other to do my job, the pickup and drop off stuff. The thing is, this is something I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life. I ask other people and they say they have grandparents to help or husbands or other people.

I don't have other people. I just have myself. Think of Hannah, Auris. She had a desert and a baby. She didn't have anyone. Somehow they didn't die. They just kept surviving. The bible doesn't say how. It just skips to years later and he was a young boy. No one had compassion for Hannah. They just kept using her and not considering her. I relate to her so much. 

I took the negative people away, got rid of the cold, got rid of the stuff. Why am I still so unhappy and why is it that when I leave things just keep falling apart? Its like I am doomed to fail every time I start.

(going into the past, New Brunswick) Here I am still here. But still when mom cut me off felt like rug was pushed away from the floor while I'm still standing.

I have a beautiful son but for me to start that work at home job I borrowed from everyone I know. what is it? 2 years later and I still haven't paid them back? Dwayne and his family paid my $750 fine. I feel bad and I am sick of depending on people like Ms. Donaldson yesterday driving me back from Walmart. I want to have my own. Tired of buying at the thrift stores.

I have internet and a computer. I don't want to squash opportunities. 

IDK why but I'm thinking of Alaka. Like him saying why didn't you tell me. and I would say because you always think about yourself. When was the last time you asked me what was going on with me, what am I doing? You just want someone to join your stuff cause you hate doing stuff alone. What is best for Auris? You don't think that you just want people to do what you do. I hope you show up for your wife because as a friend you don't show up for me. I am tired of being ignored and you say you are going to call back and you don't. We haven't done the personality test, that's something I said I wanted you to do. Have you done it yet? No. If it was me, you already know. I always listen to you. But that's gonna stop. I'm gonna start listening to myself. 

New boundaries: Alaka is not going to make decisions for you. Him not calling back and keeping his word is not okay. I have shown up for him various times and he just keeps not showing up for me. It's always a bend, I have to bend to his reality. Like the time he made me watch this movie and I kept saying I had to go and it was like 2am? 12 midnight? and I had a long commute with my kid? He didn't care and I stated my case. He took advantage and kept pushing his agenda. Like the time I said I have a class deadline its due in 20 minutes and he forced a conference call on me. Again, not respecting my boundaries. I kept saying no I can't but he pushed his will on me. Then there I was, trying to finish an assignment and listen to the call at the same time. I was unheard and once again, I bent. 

No one knows the little sacrifices you have to keep making for people. And at the end, they don't appreciate it because they don't even know it meant that much to you. They ignore your words and just get what they want from you. Like the time he had me to go to Brooklyn with my son for a meeting with a guy. He knows I have a son all the time and no job, why make me travel to see an opportunity? 

He asked and I showed up, I thought it was something important but it wasn't. It was just a business meeting. I told the guy my situation. He was shocked, he was like just invest this. I'm like if I do, its like giving my last. He was like wow, and showed me his girls. But I was thinking yeah, you have all those kids but they are not here with you. Someone is obviously watching them. I don't have that. Constantly feeling like I get the short end of the stick. Like I want to win, but stuff keeps happening.

All this was inside me, and the favorite juice got it out. What to do with these feelings? Haven't I spent enough time thinking of these things, don't want to dwell and stay in bed thinking about the past.  

What Marvin did was unacceptable. He cannot snap at me. He commented on another post then texted me the other day said he passed by Bayonne and thought of me. I want to be thought of higher. I hate Bayonne, I really do. I shouldn't hate it? i hate being driven around or when I had a car not finding parking. Or walking by houses wondering how I ever am going to be able to afford them.