Trapper & George

 George Pitts posted today how we have to be willing to make changes. How he refused to invest in himself. I asked how did he change? By just making the adjustment, investing in a course and learning that it helped him and he kept going? He said yes. I was like wow. Our experiences inform our actions more than anything.

Trapper was talking about that in the book club. He knows ginger shot is not gonna taste good. He has that experience. And my dog experience when I was little still informs the way I see dogs today. 

Anyhow, I was so scared of investing $27 in myself. But I remember, I made the decision. I said, Auris you need to pay so that you can contribute to the club and not be afraid to speak up. But when it came time to pay I was thinking, what if I can't pay next month? I'm committing to $27 every month. It was uncomfortable. For real, but I did it. 

I said I have to have faith that I can come up with $27 a month. I have to have faith in God that I can do it. Even as I write this I get that feeling again. It's like the feeling of wanting to run away. The feeling of I'm not good enough, valuable enough (in the marketplace?) I felt devalued when I worked at McDonalds and when everyone was okay with that. 

Joel said better than a degree is the grace of God. I feel so vulnerable in every picture I see on Facebook I think of what I was thinking and feeling in that moment. I was with my kid all the time. Me going to a party was like a breather. But there was not much talking or relating. People just want to see you and say hi and that's it. 

Alex wants me to read every night. Lately I haven't felt like it. I was exhausted all day but why am I still up at 12:41 am? Is it the caffeine? I realize I eat for comfort. But I don't know how to cook the comfort food. I really liked that wrap. I want another one. 

I am up writing my thoughts. They keep me up even though I was tired all day. Laid in the bed. Did not get any work done as I do. I was all wiped out, homie. I was. Social life, hanging out with people is fun. 

Pat said a bar. I hate bars, clubs are not my scene either. I think an art gallery is cool. Or maybe a business networking event is super dope to me.  Since I became a parent, social life was going out with Marvin, or Mariela's house. then it was just listening to Joe talk his stuff online. I loved the time he showed us when he went to his wife's cousin's graduation. and he talked about how he doesn't go to church etc. the other day he talked about anxiety. I was like you?!? 

I didn't fit in. Marvin was cool to go out but not to be part of my life (his reaction to my son and my bed, like disgust mixed with disinterest was just, it was over). and his unwillingness to act. It's a wrap. He has a girl and I am a girl he claimed he liked. So why are we reaching out? No reason I see really. 

I wonder how I will be when I am married. I've been friends with guys so I don't think it's a big deal. I really don't. Jane said there is no purpose in our friendship. What is the purpose? He's not the guy I am going to marry. And he's not gonna take me to dates under the premise of being friends. He is not the guy that is going to make me feel like something is missing. I hated those moments. Expecting him to act a certain way and he did not. Like, what is the point? It felt too weird, all those times. 

He said he liked me but the way he acted was not that way. One day he came and I touched his tie and I felt like I did like him, that one time. But I was forcing it, let's be honest. I was like I can't date all I can do is talk and he was like me too. We were both broken. What was I doing? Now, what is the point? Jane said I like credit repair, I am a motivational speaker (things Marvin doesn't like) and I'm going forward in owning my own business, etc. All the things I want to do he doesn't like. He likes that success of moving up in a company and all of that, and he is on the getting his MBA track and started the business he wanted to start. He likes feeling intellectually superior. He likes his girl because she makes a lot of money in her job. It makes her respect her. She's more motivated than him, he said. 

I felt like crap? No, but I have a whole money thing going on so of course a part of me was like, but you met me. You know I'm ambitious too. But does he? Did I ever share? I liked that he invested in stocks but I have never invested. He liked it and I was interested. Money and having your own business and talking about it and the idea of it was always my forte. But do I have the experience? No sir, no ma'am. This is where the rubber hits the road. 

Neo's live was all about business ideas. he kept coming up with the ideas. I asked if the hard time make the success sweeter and he ignored it to answer a business question. he was interested in talking how to make money, adding value for free. He wanted to talk about how to win, I kept wanting to talk about the losses. I realize that's the conversation I like. The conversation about struggle. How to get out of this mind frame? See myself like a winner again. 

Read books again for your son. Become the best me so that I can be more there for him. He's not getting schooling. I don't have stocks. I don't have cash. my networth is in the below 0s. Prayer spirituality is okay. No more lack of stability there, except for the Adventist thing. Am I delaying my decision? No I said the decision is I am not it, but I will keep going to it. It feels like I am almost at a breakup. I have found the peace within God but all the questions it makes for me I don't like it. 

I was supposed to get citizenship. Auris, you will get all your goals done. Trust, Trust in the Lord. Plant the seed. Put it away, don't check on it. Just know it is going to happen. That's what Jim Rohn's mentor said. In the conference. He never talked about money. he just kept talking about mindset and goals. He never addressed the business part. I thought that was interesting.