Shit on me day

 I was talking to Ryan about how my sister was and I didn't understand it

He said you might it see it where you are but she might see it like I got this job and this car I have to pay for

and my sister got to go to college and have fun and party and no responsibility

With Mona, idk she acted so bad after I got pregnant. She sent me some place that gives away car seats.

I think she saw me as the devil or something. Later on she called and apologized, said she was sorry she wasn't there for me.

I chocked that the honesty and her truth. She owned up to what she did, I was trying to make it seem like it wasn't that bad. Like it was okay. But I was lying. I was hurt, and it was good that she was honest. But I couldn't go there. That pain was too raw.

So used to being rejected. Let's change that.

Auris, you are loved. Auris, you are accepted.

Marvin, he does not accept you. Does he deserve you as a friend? I don't need a contrarian. I am no longer the girl that he gets to save and give advice. I hate that role. You feel like you have to tell me how life is. And I go through these things with my mom and all the crap. And you are there to add logic to my emotion. But that's not what I need.

Sometimes I needed someone to pull up, just be there for me. Nasean did that, and I remember it made me look at everything different. He was there helping me move boxes and organize stuff. You were there the next day to look disappointed at the kind of bed I got, saying that there are better ones. I was happy to finally have a bed, after having more than a year sleeping in the floor.

I said that one time at church and no one said anything. I don't understand. It's like people don't like to hear stuff? Or is my experience not validated? I slept a whole year on the floor and I am grateful that is not my situation anymore. the whole room was silent, no one came up to me and asked me. It wasn't until I left I saw people validated me, and they said it in Facebook comments. Why do I have to look at Facebook comments to hear good things about me? I guess you thought I knew. I don't. I come from a place where everyone tells me everyday how I'm not great. 

I like what Eric said, he was homeless and a person changed his life by the words he spoke into his life. He saw his greatness outside of his situation. I was touched with Tia said that I was still Auris, I was still light. She said, Auris is a free bird she cannot be contained. I had been carrying this guilt of she did this for me, and I could not comply. But I didn't have to carry it. She loved me and love covers a multitude of sins? Is that what the bible says? 

I wonder if Marvin thinks I'm dumb. That's how I felt. 

I felt so like huh when Ryan said it was time to go. I guess I got comfortable. We was talking about me though, I threw some questions and he answered. then it went back to me. i am easy to talk to, because it always doesn't take a lot of do that. We did speak for a while, I didnt realize how much because I was folding laundry. It tired me out.