10.26.20 This morning- looking back at New Brunswick

 In that community, being broke was okay. Having big dreams and doing networking marketing was not. That's the day everything fell apart... all the people I wanted to be their friends for a year I did a presentation and it was over. The complaints came through my roommate Rebecca. I feel like I revealed who I was and they weren't with it.

I want wealth, I want to be rich. I was selling coffee. They didn't even want to drink it. Rebecca said most of them gave up commitments to be there for my meeting. She was mad that she kept asking me what it was and I didn't tell her. I let her know I did what I am supposed to do, I wasn't supposed to say what it was. She looked at me with disgust? Idk how to describe that look. Not disgust just she didn't like my answer. She especially did not like that people were calling her to complain about something I did. She was overwhelmed it seemed like. She didn't like that I was adding drama to her life, she had to get these calls. 

Anyhow, the meeting was important, to me. I was afraid of rejection. One time Phil acme to the house and we talked briefly. Very slowly, I completely changed my mode of operation to gain his acceptance. Like yeah I'm doing this coffee thing but don't worry I 'm studying too (to be a teacher).

I felt so weird after I said it. It was like I was trying to conform, like my dream wasn't enough. Or it wasn't real, or I knew how he was thinking and how the world things and how things always fall apart.  It's like this knowledge of education is the safe route, having a job is the safe route. Don't you sell coffee to support yourself or future riches. It sounds ridiculous even now as I write it. The point is, I knew the disdain people and the world had for network marketing and the whole not socially acceptable thing. Did it keep me from doing it? Absolutely not! I loved it, I loved it with my whole heart. and I was willing to be ridiculed for it. 

Anyhow, back to Phil. I felt like I gave up my values in that moment and I showed him that I had his valued (education). It was all a lie as far as I valued getting rich and building a business. Way more than education. I was a substitute teacher and I did it because God told me to do it. But once again, it was that formula I kept doing, keep a job and do a business in the hours when you are not working. I always ended up doing it because I loved it. didn't make much but I loved going to people's home, making the presentations. Publicly speaking, being around positive people that had similar goals. I loved the conferences and the speeches about ways that we could improve. I love that it gave me something to do, not just come home and watch TV and let the hours pass you by until eventually that year had passed back and you look back like where did I leave it at?

Yes I do not think its the best plan to be an employee without a plan (invest in stocks, real estate,  at least 1 source of other income). Looking back now, I also didn't know what I didn't know. I ate up this dream of sacrifice everything and this business will pay you, like give it all your extra time and effort and in the future you will look back and you will be successful. That did not happen for me. 

But now I am learning in a much deeper, much more soul level how deep these thoughts go. It's not just presentation, calls and making appointment and people keep not showing up. It's more. When I hear George Pitts live and he said when he was paying people overseas to make websites and he recruited companies and people to allow him to make their websites he said he didn't know how to build a business at the time. It was a big WOW moment for me.

I'm like he's humble enough to admit that he didn't know what he was doing. With his business mind now, he would see that the better solution would not have been to sell his IT contracts, instead hire a manager to take over his role, and keep the business going. Would he go back and do it again? Not right now. 

I like that he got a sponsor for his podcast and he needs to go back and start recording. 

Back to NB: All the girls it was about let's get married with a guy and then let's do what their dream is. Did any girl there have a big dream? And why did I want to conform so bad? I was emotionally sad, broken, low self esteem at that time. I lost my identity when I lost the bank job. I didn't know who I was since I didn't have a place to wake up and go to everyday. And no money which means no control. 

Rebecca paid the $300 rent the first month. Then she resented me because she thought it was going to stay that way. I got a job just like I said I would. It was 4 hours a day and I rode a bicycle to work, from North Brunswick to New Brunswick. This is what average looked like. This is what poor looked like. This is what talking to God everyday in every pedal and in every walk looked like. Girl on a bike on the side of the road. Yes, I had a college degree. Yes, I had worked at banks. Yes I had seen what having a job and taking trains for 3 hours a day looked like. I had a job, I had a degree. I did what I was supposed to! But I didn't have a job now, and that's what people see. Where you are now. I was shocked I was here, because I was used to having a job and getting paid every 2 weeks and living in a place that had a nice bed. Not living with 3 roommates and 2 of them didn't talk to me. It was a big house and it was amazing when Rebecca and I was there. As soon as the other girls came the whole dynamic changed. The 2 girls were best friends so they were already connected. Rebecca worked everyday and she did a lot of things that I didn't notice but then she would tell me about it. She said I was wrong when I came and I did the silent treatment. I was like what? She said I come in and purposely look at you bad and leave and walk outside the door. I guess I was so broken I was happy for the acknowledgement. I would take her company, no matter in what form it came in.

One time I stayed in one weekend and I just kept crying. Rebecca was being so mean to me, and I just didn't get it. I looked at her like a sister, was the only person I could talk to out of the whole group but I was going through a lot. It was too much for her maybe but she would tell me jacked up stuff from her life too. She didn't like my thoughts. I didn't either, but in the silence all these thoughts would come with the accompanying emotions. Unlike before, I could not hide them anymore. I had to confront them. There was not NYC streets to walk at night. Or ipod I could put in my hears and listen to all the time. Then calls I had to make at my call center bank job. There was nothing for me to do. For the first time in a long time i would wake up and had nothing to do. The thoughts came, and didn't have something to do to drown them out. I had to hear them. and boy, the things that they would say. 

Back to my writings, did they have an agenda for me? The people I met in New Brunswick. Definitely, when you are in water you go where the water takes you. Mona wanted me to join Young Life. It was a mentor program that took time and relating with teens, but absolutely no money. For someone that was absolutely starving. Grant says you can't save the whole world and you are broke because you are forgetting about the most important person, you.

Rebecca had this vision for the house that never came true. When it was time to stand up to her values, she succumbed and shrank. I was upset but I knew it wasn't my place. The whole thing just cause a lot of emotional turmoil for me. The biggest thing I was afraid of was rejection. It was my biggest fear. And I got rejected. I started almost having an anxiety attack. I would go outside and walk and run to try to breathe and be okay that those 2 girls didn't like me. I literally couldn't take it.

One time Rebecca sat down with me and said, they don't know you. I see what she was saying but still they didn't like me. They refused to get to know e or have a conversation. But when I would reach out to talk to them and make a connection they didn't want that. It annoyed them when I tried to talk to them. and Jessica was fake and would smile and answer questions and pretend like she could hold a conversation. Overall what I expected was for them to reach out to me and all the knowledge I had. The truth was, they did none of that. Instead they judged me because I didn't live life like them. But of course I was 28, they were 21. I did everything they did and more when I was 21. But now I was 28, its  a different life. Now I want to stay in. I already have all my friends.

One time we had a meeting and she said I have no friends. and she got offended when I sat in the living room. I only sat because one of her friends invited me to sit on the couch.  I guess she felt like I was trying to take away her friends because I sat in my own living room ( we all split the rent so yes) and it was literally my couch (I'm the one that owned the couch). Anyhow she accused me of not having friends. Then when I was getting ready to move out, everyday a new person was at the house because I was giving some stuff away. She would ask, who is this? and I would tell her, then the next day she would ask who is this, again I would tell her. What she didn't understand is that my friends we all had homes and responsibilities. We're not 21 and in college. We are grown and have jobs and go home after work or whatever else we got going on. Just because I don't have people at the house doesn't mean that I don't have 'friends'. and Rebecca butted in that it has been 6 months and I don't have friends yet or have connected with people, so what is the purpose of me being there. I didn't have a phone for a long time and I came to North Brunswick cause God told me to, no one else. My whole existence was being defined in her eyes by if I get along with these 5 Christian people that were in here group.

It felt like a clique that I was trying to penetrate. And it wasn't enough. I was never enough. I did all the stuff. I went to all their events. I was there, I was open. Even when I got a phone, none of them called me. I went to the guy's Christian house even thought it was very uncomfortable for me. The only people that were cool were the two minority guys, Manuel and the black guy. They were fun and we would laugh and stuff. black guy had this long girlfriend and we were all in the Christian group. I remember I went to their house and they were playing video games. I thought it was a house of losers, a resting place before real maturity came. I'm just being honest.

The funny thing is, none of those people are in my life right now. Only Jane, that I met the year after. and Karan and Randall, from the poetry groups. I was very broke and that's where I was. And no matter what I did I was wrong. One time I reached out to Abby form church and Rebecca rebuked the hell out of me. Like why did you tell Abby this? I'm like I needed someone to talk to and I reached out to her. One day I was in the bus and I talked to my friend and once again, he spoke to Jessica and it came back to me. It's like you girls are doing this horrible thing and now you are complaining because someone is holding you accountable. Abby's husband called Rebecca and stood up for me and said they shouldn't kick me out. Rebecca said why did you say that you were getting kicked out? I said, once again, I went to talk to Abby before we had a meeting. I just went and spoke to her and we prayed. and Abby shared one of her stories with her college roommate. I didn't say I was getting kicked out. I was afraid that that's what the meeting was going to be about (and alas, it was). 

Anyhow, that is all in the past and my future is one that I have to create. This morning this came back to me. A lot of AHA moments. I wasn't in the right environment. It was not designed for me to get rich or learn about how to get rich. It was all, go to church, get closer to God. Which meant I got introduced to all these new books and theology which I did not like at all. They were trying to tell me about a God that was already my friend and I was already connected to. 

The whole thing was, I felt rejected everyday that I lived in that that house. It killed me to say good morning and no one ever said anything back. We would have meeting about cleaning and no one would clean anything, it was only me. Rebecca at one point said I was doing too much, her favorite phrase but I was just making moves so that we could move out. She said the other girls should do that and I'm like but they are not. Rebecca was great at having an idea and being excited but when it was time to complete the task she just didn't. There was this wood thing by the door in the basement and she crafted this wood thing and she was supposed to finish drawing on it. and she never did. It was there, half finished. and I hated it, then if I would tell her she would grunt like she was annoyed that I mentioned it.

Another thing about Auris, I am sensitive and very in tune with people's emotions. I have been rejected, told I was bold. I have been alone walking the streets, riding the bicycle. Connected with the white guy with a bike and he gave me driving lessons every Saturday and he helped me in the goal for me to get my license. Mona was the one person that took me to the appointment. Never before in my life did I have anyone to take me to the appointment. The day I took a day off the bank job to get my license, the paperwork was wrong. It seemed like I did everything I could to do it, but it was always something. 

I was not 16 anymore. I was 28 and no one was available. But I got lessons throughout the years from Jonathan, ____ from the bank and then at that time, the while bicycle guy. Mona took me to the appointment and I passed. With their support, I was able to finally drive. 

I got mad one time they had a meeting at the coffee shop. I walked there and when it was done everyone left. I was mad because Trisha lived by me and she had a car and I was really upset that she didn't think to ask me if I got a ride. I told her later and she said she didn't know how i got there and assumed I had a way to get back, just like I had gotten there. I felt unappreciated. I had to walk 3 miles to get to this meeting and you live 3 blocks away from me. It takes you 10 minute to drive up the street you already are going to drive to, why couldn't you ask and make sure I was okay in getting home? 

But people sometimes are not willing to be responsible for you. Take full responsibility Auris. I have been broke my whole life and never had enough money to buy a car. Shoot, I was struggling just to get my license. If you pass the deadline, eventually people will just blame you. 

No one believes in dreams. You must have a plan. and that's where I struggle. A plan. 

That's what George said on the live, sit spouse down (I don't have one ha ha) said this is the plan. This is how we are going to do this. They had a car, they had a job, he was able to get second job. Why, Lord has it been so hard for me? Wrong question. This guy I was listening to last night, Russel life had given him a rough hand. When his father had bruised his whole body from neck to his ankles, all black and blue because he stood up for standing up for his mother, stop beating her dad.

So much trauma, so much cognition, so much suppression. He turned it around. It was the pile of cockroaches for him. He said, this is it, I am done. I am bigger than this small version of myself. He said you can lie to everyone but you cannot lie to yourself.

I woke up at 8am everyday in the 3 day conference. Today is just laundry and I got up at 10am. I realized I woke up at 10am because I went to bed around 2am. I watched a George live then listened to 2 interviews Ed Mylan guy did, the one that he founded the company I am going to find out on Tuesday. 

Grant said, do you have faith in yourself or in me? I said I believe he will do what he said, I am afraid I will not do what I said. It was a big revelation, for real. It's like what Bob Proctor said, we do not know who we are and what we are capable of. We cannot look at the world to tell us who to be or who we are or what is available. We must create it ourselves.

My life, I want to play a big game. One that is exciting. The target today is getting laundry done. Future target, make money and buy a washing and dryer machine so that I don't have to leave the house. Like I did today with virtual visit. Saved so much time! We woke up I was doing Alex's breakfast and he took his own shower and got dressed (improvement). 

The speech therapist, she has her children at home and she is showing up for my child. I'm like wow. Who do I need to show up for? What is the big dream that I am willing to walk over glass for?

Build up self-confidence in girls. all ages girls.