Today Part II

My mom picked me up, I didn't want to go

My body was so tired I wanted to rest but I knew I could not say no

Have to go to this doctor, have to do it again my mom is here not in NJ

Can't say no. Alex cried, he wanted to stay home too.

Everything my aunt says is true. I heard them talk crap when I left. Mom said I said Alex doesn't eat beans.

I'm thinking when did I say that? Alex loves beans. And then mom said I don't feed him the way I'm supposed to, and my aunt brought up Dyfus again. 

They think what they think and it doesn't matter what I say or a doctor says its just this is it. My aunt confirms everything.

Why, God, do I care? Why do I want their approval? Why can't they just say a good thing, ever?

And why around them I shrink. I feel like a kid, not allowed to talk or be or do. I keep thinking if I have money but I don't know if that will make a difference. When is it ever enough?

What is my truth? I will be successful, being there today made me feel like crap. Like I am not good compared to others. To Karla, who sends her mom money even though it was a little bit. And my uncle saying my brother went to a good school as if I did not go to the exact same school. They went around and my uncle showed them all the things that he owns. And it was like, respect. No one in NJ has accomplished this. Not any of the brothers or sisters, no. Just went to NJ to work in factories. Uncle stayed behind did the hard manual labor, he said his first job was washing dishes and he loves washing dishes because it reminds him of where he started.

He is very positive. He says we can accomplish anything if we put our mind to it. He says everyone has to work, we all have to produce because the bills will come every month. I shifted in my seat because I do not work, I am a stay at home mom taking care of my son and living off you already know. 

I don't have status in society. I have myself, God and I thank him for everything. but I get around them and there is all this judgement. I was waiting for them to turn around and just say it, Auris, you ain't shit. You suck, you are not working, not producing, you are not anything. 

And I thought of all they have given me. My uncle, last year showed up for me watched Alex while I interviewed at McDonalds, my first job here. Mirella, showed me her house and introduced me to her children. Mom, sends me money since I moved out here. Uncle, he housed me until I could house myself. They have all supported me. And when I went to uncle's house, they served me, they treated me so well. It's not like they hate me, they love me.

But I don't feel like myself around that environment. Its like in their eyes I feel like I'm a failure and that is not the way I look at myself. But around them I feel it then I start thinking it too. Auris, you suck. You are 35, you are not success. You went away, came back with a baby. No one has stuck to you. 35 single and no one praising me for raising my son and sticking to it and the commitment it is. 

It makes me feel a little suicidal, not really, not quite but a small part of me thinks what is the point? I have struggled so much to make it here it took so much courage, so much bravery. My mom helped me as far as an hour pick up and drop off. and I always paid my rent and did the cleaning duties and cooked my own meals, stopped cooking Alex's because she wouldn't give it to him. Ignored all the things I said like I wasn't the mother and my voice wasn't important.

God remember when you told me you were going to give me a voice and my life experiences showed me what it was like not to have a voice? And how bad I wanted a voice, something to say, an opinion and I did but it was hidden so deep inside me because I for so long thought what I had to say had no value. Y claro! With this type of perception. Its always, don't speak, don't laugh. its always their voice comes before mine and most times, my voice doesn't come at all. it's all swallow, your tongue.

I come back home and I have to remind myself who I am. I am God's favored. I love God, he is with me. This is my journey that God has me on. I know it looks different than others, but this is my journey, not anyone else's. Yes, we can say this happened and that happened. Now that I think about it, mom didn't mention about Lesly's engagement, maybe she didn't look at the message. She's gonna blame me for that later, I am sure. But it was all Tio Vinicio's here which means shut up. He talks, we all listen. Then the house and eat and listen and do what you are told, I am there but I am just filling a role. Alex and I are there but they don't spend time. Except when we are in the car and Tia says jokes, those are the only times it feels like okay, let your guard down. 

Today was like walking in a nightmare. If when I was little, this is the day I saw of my future Oh Lord, have mercy. It was just what your life looks like if everything goes wrong. Backseat, me and my son, oh no! I'm a single mom. Daytime not working, Oh no you don't have a job or business or anything going on. At the front, oh no you are not driving you don't have your car, your autonomy. Mom and uncle are driving and talking great of your sibling, whose accomplishments you cannot stand next to. But that one I didn't mind because its all true and I am proud of my brother and he has had his opportunities. 

What else to say? What else to do? Angel asks me question, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I freeze up, I have no idea I finally gave an answer, but he kept digging wanting to know what I wanted to say. Instead of taking an opportunity, and saying hey, I am sorry. but that's a discussion for another day. No grudges, all of that. How can I heal if everything I have ever done is staring me right at the face? My lack of success now is clearly visible, it's like standing in a field naked. 

What to do? Go back to my cocoon, feed myself self development, bible scriptures and be happy with the little I have. Happy with what I thought of as a lot but then idk they came and I feel like shit. 

I wonder if there is a  part of me that already thinks like them so hearing them say all that stuff just makes me feel horrible. They didn't say it directly. It was indirect. My mom is quiet, she says nothing. She lets aunt do all the talking. When I talked yesterday, she was quiet. I was wondering what she was thinking. 

Anyways, they have all done for me and supported me. mom, uncle, other uncle and aunt. When is it going to be my turn to give back? I couldn't have made it this far without God and their support. I could have been in the streets, I trusted, I left. I had to go, I couldn't stand that lifestyle, no, not anymore.

I'm so happy I don't live in Bayonne and have to look for parking everywhere, the price of not owning your own home. How difficult things were, when you don't have enough. And how hard you work, and somehow it is never enough. And if you work all the years, and give all you got, just to move down the street, keep working its like you have bought into the lifestyle that they sold you, your ideas were not bigger than the ones that they had for you.

I remember in 5th grade they had this program called PenPal. It was kids writing to kids from other countries, it was a great idea. Now, people can just use Tiktok and Instagram and DM. even email, writing is obsolete. But wow its a great idea. It's awesome, its different. that's it, thoughts for the day. Today I felt like crap. Gotta lick those wounds, remind myself of who I am. Develop a bulletproof mindset, like Nehemiah Davis always says.