What just happened

I was shocked, you came

I had no time

I wasn't ready

didn't have a choice 

but to keep doing what I was doing

You see me all in my vulnerability

But the house wasn't dirty

It was actually perfect

You did see me put up the painting

and put the cover on the table

I told her I have more to clean up, and I was cleaning yesterday

Mom is good at using your words against you

She said all they did yesterday, things she could have told me yesterday

and she said 'you told me not to come' which is true

I was cleaning but she was using my words to say

This is all the things that we could have done, I'm like you could have said something yesterday

when it mattered. It was interesting but that's the way she communicates

My aunt was abrasive, they come. I'm in the shower I leave the shower, I'm soaking wet 

with a towel. She says give us Alex. Like he is not a my child, my firstborn, my life, my world. 

She says gives us Alex, I didn't know what she was talking about. I'm like I'm taking a shower and he is not showered and ready.

I thought she meant to Walmart. She said to NJ, not forever, just for a month. Mom looks at me and says

to get a second opinion, to take him to doctors in NJ. We will bring him back. Yeah right.

I don't trust them, and they don't trust me. They don't listen they don't care what I have to say.

I drove so many miles to here, to Georgia. But they still have access. Should I leave the country?

Make my own money, will money be the comfort, my shield? I don't think so. 

We all don't know how people will react. 

What is my truth? What is my life? I want to make a business, make money, travel the world with my child. Honestly. I want to do my purpose. I want to see it through. I want to have money to have autonomy, to have some control, to be able to say, here I go.

They knew I was sleeping, Alex woke up before me. I lied, I didn't want to admit it. But it was so abrasive, I guess that's how my aunt is. She comes, she runs, I guess being here, wasn't fun. But they came at a bad time and they have plans with my uncle. 

I got absolutely everything I wanted. I get another day of peace, and I get the time and space to do what I need to do. More cleaning, the calls I have to make. 

I am just shocked, was it all so easy? Lord, you are creating a path for me, a way for me. Thank you. Lord, thank you. I guess that is the lesson.

You answered my prayer, you have covered me, you protected me. I didn't feel like I was going to a war with no soldiers. You know emotionally I am not one to cover my emotions right now. 

The bam is open, the tears were flowing couple of days ago. I am in a space of receiving, of letting go, of allowing my emotions to come.

That is the resolution, they left were here for an hour. They came with a proposal, maybe that is the agenda all along.  I don't know why they think they can just ask for something and me answer right away like it is their right. 

This is not empowering to think about. I feel weak, I feel not heard. I am glad they came and things looked great. It was way better than if they came yesterday. And I am shocked because I thought they would stay, they left. But it might just be the best, now, if I get out of this mindstate.

I see now that all I need is time with me, to find the answers. But God, oh God how I love talking about things in the moment I guess. As I am dealing with it I guess. 

God you are there for me. i want to get to a point to where I can be there for others. God says, look how you were there for Jane. That is true. 

I see my brand, encouraging, different books, all to encourage young girls. Bright blue color, dark curly hair and captions that look cute enough. like yellow lines around a sun. 

I thought yesterday of a book regarding suicide, the things no one talks about. Yes, I am willing to go to those umcomfortable topics! Maybe doesn't deserve a exclamation point. 

Today I need to get money, so that I can do the things I need to do. I want to go to the speech therapist appointment. 

The one good thing my aunt said is "You have peace here." I"m glad she saw it and felt it. Maybe they are not the types that listen, they are the types that just say what they see. They don't want to hear it from you, they want to make their own assessments. and mom fades into the background, following behind Tia and Tia makes the decisions and she drives the car, that type of take over personality. 

Tio is also a take over personality, I hope mom's opinions don't hide behind there. But it was nice hearing them talk, it was like my mom is a person outside of me. It was nice seeing her be someone else, she was their sister talking about things she never talks about. She sits in her house so quiet, who knows what she was thinking?