New Jersey

Hate being home so go outside

Go to Duane Reade, what else is there to hide

Don't have a car yet, walk with the stroller back home after church

There is no one to come to save you

You take some sunshine, but not surrounded by nature

Unless we go to the park

and we spent a lot of time in parks

One park a dog came in, I didn't like that, the lack of control

I didn't like taking the trains and being around so many people and my son being there

When I had a car I finally felt safe.

Did anybody care? No one does

You just live your life

Then there was the whole community aspect

having people around

I didn't like when I didn't get invited to events

I thought I would

but then the things I did go to, there was this sense of immense failure

Like everyone is normal, and I am about to fall 

I didn't like the insecurity I felt. I went to a party and everyone looked so nice

No one knew my struggle. To get dressed, to find something affordable

To pay the bills and then be able to go

Getting there was some trouble then also was getting back

One time we went to Newark with Cesar and stuff and I felt horrible

I didn't like riding in their car

I didn't like the feeling

then we went to a restaurant

I didn't have money to eat

I think I spent my last to eat there

and then why?

What was the point? trying to do an acceptable thing but I was fine not eating there

and I did not feel great, I never do. One time we ate with grandma and mom for mother's day

Went somewhere in Newark.

Again, I felt horrible of some sort. his family is all put together, mine we are holding on by the strings

And the feeling of not being loved.

Like no one in this world would love me enough, to be with me, to support me,

to pay dinner for me. That brokenness, that thought. And my brother hugged me

after I said I was pregnant but he said he already knew. then why did they say nothing?

Were their eyes already accepting? I didn't see a shock or anything.

One time at Tia Margot's house I was with the family and we had so much fun.

She said you are pregnant, like so many different times.

She was right, but no one knew I was embarrassed. But she is my mother, she knew.

She said my eyes glowed. One time she called me and I was doing laundry in New Brunswick, 

feeling all alone. I'm like why am I so alone? Is this the cost I must pay for independence?

I felt like I was punishing myself. Why am I here Lord?

How long could I have ridden that wave?

I don't know if there is any resolution, telling all these stories. 

All I know is I'm in a movie, and it doesn't end. I am the main character, but supporting cast members

in other people's stories.  I don't feel all those inadequate feelings that used to plague me. 

I'm glad I heard of this amazing book, How to stop worrying and start living. I got so much value just 

from the first couple of pages. 

It's amazing. 

Back to Jersey, it just wasn't positive. the experiences.

Oh how I loved walking when I was in New Brusnswick.

I was broke, not making much money. worked for my old boss, used my connections.

But rent was $300 but why did it take all month to make such a little bit of money?

Its like I was in America but living in a third world country, financially

It made no sense

Smart, educated, no one wanted me or my skills and I often wondered if I had any

The world not giving you what you think you deserve makes you constantly feel like that.

I'm seeing people and they are living and thriving and progressing.

I was a runaway, in a place I did not belong. I remember being in that Subway and the guy

talking to me, I was so pregnant. He started asking me questions.

I did not have good answers. I am pretty young and pregnant and the guy wanted nothing to do with me.

Who would have thought? I never did. The rejection was real. Release, release, release.

How to release? Let it go, make a song, make a milly, said Kerry.

My life, has not turned out that way. I write in a blog that no one reads.

I just found out today that there is this thing called Adsense that I never turned on.

I'm like what? I could have been making money this whole time?

Its not like I was looking to make money, but ma'm. Wow, okay.

New Jersey brings up all these things me me.

Me feeling not safe, the cold, the frustration in the work opportunities. 

Me going to the real estate meetings. Meeting the investors, being broke, being homeless

Living with mom and her toxic relationship boyfriend.

Paying bills, cleaning, raising Alex and getting no respect.

Always getting asked to do more, like my life's purpose was to serve here and to never get to rest.

I don't know why this jealousy thing is rising up, but part of me is just tired.

I'm tired of this result. I want to let this all go. Poverty has been on me like a curse.

And I always have stayed positive and always look forward to happy.

I'm shocked Dale Nightgale was once where I was, broke and in a situation he had to get out of.

In his case, a cockroach infested apartment and a job that he had no interest in.

He focused on what he wanted, and made some different decision.

I always feel like I have no resources. Everytime I want to rise up, something knocks me down.

It's like why? Why cant I succeed? I'm tired of my tale, i get tired of even writing it.

what you focus on grows, I have been following the teachings all the time, I haven't lost faith or turned my back on God except that one time that led me to all this mess.

I feel vulnerable. I always do, huh? Tomorrow at church I hope I do not get judged. If so, maybe its time I don't go? I don't know.  I left NJ and no one batted an eye.

I want to be valued, around people that are excited that I am around.

I hated that Daniel didn't want to hear what I had to say, he just put the headphones back on. Selfish, and always taking then complaining when he didn't want to put the food in the microwave. It was, amazing. I know I'm skinny and look young, I don't yell, no I'm not your mom. But its like they take people and treat them like shit, well just him. It affects, the way you look at yourself.

All your gifts, not being used. Running, running, running, and nothing getting done but you just have the same life, the life that you hate. Wake up in a house with people you don't like. Keep making the best of it, going to work, spending time with your kid but no my mom keeps barging in. Keeps disrespecting. Then it was where just one word that she said would turn my whole day into a venting session, I would vent to my friends. I got tired of the cycle. I got tired of complaining. I just wanted out. and I gave it all, put it all at risk to get out.

How to turn it around? Now I am out. I am here. Things aren't perfect, but at least I have my peace and my smile is back. I am super, super happy about that.

Now I start thinking of the next thing I want to do, and I have no idea how I am going to do. The itch to move, somewhere new. Florida was always the goal. How I am going to do that, I do not know. 

and unbelievable. How much of a work ethic he didn't have.