Sabbath, can you be over?

Life, can we skip this and get to the good part?

Why do I feel that emotion of sadness so deeply?

It is no one's fault at this point.

I look at Facebook, I cannot lately. Instagram too.

People's lives is a mirror to how mine does not look.

Tired of the look, of the excuses. Hey I am not able, its the same story after all these years no?

250k I felt so excited. Would it make me feel different? 

God said you could be in a different house and have a different car, would you feel the same?

I probably would, or would it change? If I was able to take a car and drive, feel the wind in my hair.

That would be cool. It's just that I am feeling this emotion of sadness,

It is not loneliness. I have been pushing away the call with Isaura and with Latoya. 

I want to feel great when I talk to them. Sound convincing when they ask and I say great.

Internal bathing, mr Hill says. I am becoming aware of these feelings but what to do with them?

Cry, I wish so that they could leave me, come back another day.

I don't know I don't get it. I was so happy and I still am. But now I want more things, 

I want growth, I want progression. 250k seems like a dream but I like that my brain took it like it was possible.

I am so committed to failure, I think because I believe it because it keeps happening.

How to change it around? just make a decision. Is it really that simple? well, yes, yes it is. 

I remember when I read the 'Millionaire by 30' book, nothing went wrong in his life. My life is different.

I told Nasean, he didn't know what to say. I find, in times of trouble, it is best to keep those thoughts to oneself. 

I am sad, and Andre broke down. He called back, he was responsible he faced the turmoil and we talked about it.

I think he's figuring it out as am I. I'm glad he was able to help out Sasha but his idea of me contrast with my truth. U never, ever want to do a threesome with you. It's crazy to me that's a sentence I have to say.

I hate the abuse, the verbal abuse I had to endure. I hate the poverty, to be honest when I was in DR it was the happiest time in my life. I often would go there in my mind, and go back and wonder why. Why was I so happy? I felt loved, I felt seen, we laughed together. The world didn't matter. Us 4, we were the world. We didn't need anything else. 

I want to feel like that again. In some ways, I have tried to recreate those times. And I hate that we can't go back there. Me and Marcus don't even talk like that. It's crazy. he got his wife and his kids and when I went back to Bayonne, I would visit and try to reconnect. But like everywhere else, I felt out of place.

Money makes choices for us, here in the States. It seems like you need it in order to change your state. Really. I didn't like that Korean movie limitless because it had that feeling laced all throughout it, the feeling of desperation, the feeling of wanting to get out of poverty. But more so, the guy who stayed in that basement all those years. Instead of going outside and dealing with real life. It was such a miserable existence. and how the lady could love a man, a parasite, living off others, even having to sneak him some food. how could she love a man that chose to live like that? was living in that basement easier than dealing with regular life?

Then it makes me think of the homeless, the overflow. I remember how worthless I felt through all of it. Or more like the temptation of feeling worthless. I constantly fought the feeling. 

You can do it, Auris. This is your gift, Auris. Use it to help others.

How can I turn these stories into gold, Lord? are they, good enough. What can someone make sense of?

What am I afraid from Latoya? How does she view me? Does it matter? She was my friend and helped me in a hard time and I made things bad for her. The time me and Angel hung out and she didn't have her key. the way she wanted me to sleep in her bed and I just couldn't. Instead I would get out sleep on the couch (not allowed). So I would go and sleep in another friend's house. Because it was available. There I didn't feel weird, just had to put up with the stupid take a shower rule. 

What can she say? And am I still vulnerable about it? What can Angel say, am I giving my power away? This unempowering story, how to spin it, in and out, into gold. How to grab a lesson from brokenness, is the lesson just to make sure I don't go that low? Why 7 years later am I still feeling that shame. I am safe to feel, the recording says.

Can there be a space where I feel like it is okay for me to be broken? A space where its okay for me to be sad? A space where my tears are liberated? Where I accept where I am, accept where I have been, and therefore don't need that forgiveness from anyone else?

I guess just like Angel, Latoya is tied to that space. I hated it, pretend it didn't exist. It led me to some actions and I still do not get it. Andre says go back to school now and be a teacher, he keeps jumping into solutions. He says what do you need from me? I say to leave me alone.

No one is going to come save me, I have accepted it. I want to be the help for other's though. I just think there is more that society can do, more that society can overcome. More of a service, I know that is true for me. I am still shocked Nightingale's story. He was average, and he made a decision. Night school and time in the day to write and research. He wanted time to read books. That is in my affirmation as well. I read so many books this year, but books I found in the thrift store. Not the books I wanted to read.

And got a little frustrated I was going to work this job and get the stuff, make my affirmation come true. I was so focused, I knew what to do. But life again, happened. I got my kid, been broke for 6 years? No, there has to be a way for me to prosper and be a mom. I earned the most I ever did after my child was born. No one is going to come and save you. I think if my husband came at that time, that is the only role that he could have played. Just like the conversations with Andre go, men are problem solvers. I want my life to have no problems. Bible says I need money then. Interesting. I guess part of me is scared. Be a great mom, have time freedom, work out, Alex work out with me. Learn French, have a thriving business. making 10k a month to start. Whew! and invest it too. Be able to finally invest.

Have a say in my life, have a little more options.