2020

2020 is not cancelled, he said type it in the Facebook Live. You got 3 months left out of this year. 

The coaching program I find really exciting is 4k today but what? 5 to 6k another day. 

Cash to Credit program with Him500, Marcus B, Recession Proof is the name of his company.

He shows how to do credit to cash, very interesting ideas. Use credit and get the cash out (using his strategies.)

It sounds like a hack honestly. My problem has always been that I have nothing.

I have my health, my son, his health, a place to live, away from toxic neg peeps.

I have a lot but financially, what to stand on? Most programs are like you have a job, you have a steady income. I had none of those things. Just ideas and prayer and survival and my financial knowledge.

And my dreams, always thinking they were possible. and speaking over myself the things God said he would allow to come into my life. I am a work in progress, wow what a last couple of years.

But I see so many succeeding. Grant said it took him so many years. He feels like it was fake, all the flexing on IG and everything. It took him a very long time, long nights, hoping where there is no hope in sight. 

3 months left. $200 to make the call to my mom next month, next couple of days saying hey don't send money. That's all they want to hear. I make $200 now, don't need to send. She feels responsible. She doesn't care about my classes. I guess she would have been happy if I worked at Subway. It would have meant I was gonna get a check.

They didn't ask questions, they didn't say how long. Why don't you take computer classes? My aunt asked, I said I already am. Mom didn't ask questions. That means no interest. Then she said she will speak to Cesar, when we reached the Doc. I'm like I've been single mom for 6 years and now we are thinking about that? I called my brother, I asked about that. He basically gave me absolutely no advice. He said if you want to apply, apply. No referral, no help, nothing. That's Cesar. Self made and you make yourself. Never offered to help, not before when I didn't know English. Not know, when he has experience with this company. Mom is like, I will make the call that will make the difference.

I'm like one huddle. Anyone let's say that's not a huddle I said I am a mother, I have my son to take care of. She said I can take care of him in NJ. No one is listening. I have a plan, I left NJ. I am happy, finally, to be out of there. I am not coming back.

Like always, she has her agenda. She wants me to come back to NJ, the same thing she said when I visited last time. Anyways, why do I write this? To get it out, to get it out of my system.

I know and I get no one believes in me. I have nothing physical to show, like a number in a bank account or a house or a finca like we saw today and yes, I am aware I don't own a lake. We get it. 

I guess that makes my words not valid? Look at the past, I have always done what I said. Gotten the job, gotten into the school, went to take the test. Everything is "It's not gonna work". Well I have been here all this time haven't' I. You were not congratulatory the other times, it's just I know things in my life always fall apart. Not stable like other people's lives. It's taken my sister to tell me I am not a stable person which is a lie. I am not a drug addict or a person that is unable to wake up at 6am 5 times. 

I am stable, just not financially right now. Due to not have income. But how can you make that a whole judgement on me? I am not my situation, my situation is a situation that could happen to anyone, yes even to you sis. I am so knowledgeable of failure and being knocked down and being confident and being pulled back up. So we are not allowing ourselves, to dig deep to search out those wounds. How can I deal with others if I cant deal with self? 

I am holding grudges and anger and keep wanting them to be someone else. How to let this go? Or not get upset anymore? Comments will be said. What can I focus on today? Things that went well?

Uncle was there earlier today and the attention wasn't on me. It was on him and his jokes and the places he showed us. I felt so idk. Like all the houses and all the stuff it felt so unreachable. IDK why I feel like this in the rides. Maybe its because of the long drive and me not driving and being treated like a child all day with mom and aunt. But today I woke up I was peaceful, God told me to take a bath, take care of self. Instantly I woke up I was taking care of the house, make sure it was perfect. But it wasn't, Alex peed. I had to get rid of everything. 

Times I broke my own boundaries, I ate some meat? I think in the food they gave me. Once again, I didn't say no. Second time with the chicken sandwich. then I kept being quiet when they felt the need to tell me what to do. Third, I forgot. There was a third though. I was quiet, only used my voice about twice but it was the same experience. I wasn't heard, I cant change their thoughts. All the thoughts are negative. 

I didn't answer when they said what church and what is it called. She didn't press me, maybe my uncle told her. We had a discussion on Martin Luther and Tia said he was a rebel. I was shocked that she knew who he was and she said, 'He rebelled! she said and created the religion of Christianity. and I explained that he said hey these practices are wrong, like selling forgiveness of sins. and they said it wasn't the entire catholic church, a minority. I said a bit of the things I have learned but I haven't learned them enough to be an expert. We want to do so many things but we are not excited enough about them? Or we are too far to reach enough. -drift

Anyhow, when I shared I feel almost like a betrayal of self. Like why tell you what church I go to? Or what my plans are? Or anything at all? You came to tell me what you think and to tell me on the first day, Tia, that me and my son are not doing well. After 6 years of being a mother I come to hear that you think me and my son are not doing well. like what?

I remember the comforter you gave me years ago when I was in college. I also remember the day she took me to the park, let me play while she was talking to a guy in the park there she was happy and stuff. I was so sick of staying inside I said thanks to her even though it was around the corner, finally I had left the house. even if it was for a minute. I guess at that time I was a girl I was young and I wasnt allowed outside. I only played with the kids downstairs and oh how fun they were, it was fun to have friends and to see other kids and share our lives. Even if it was for a moment, they moved and I never saw them again. 

Bayonne was so lonely. Like, horribly so. I kept making up more and more activities and the feeling is, everyone has their life and their money and their groceries and their laundry and they play with their kids and they are not interested in a playdate and this is life, this is what it is. Life is Sunday nights driving in dark streets looking for parking and then walking home alone the same, lonely and talking to God wishing that life was a little bit easier. Walking by all the homes wondering what it would be like to own one. Passing by all the houses and wondering who lived there, what kind of lives did they have, and how different it was from mine. Did they have families in them? what kind of things did they do in the weekend? Did they leave or keep coming back? Or did they have spouses and kids or netflix stay in watching movies weekends? 

Did they have a church they would attend? Would I be stuck being around the people and the circle that I grew up in? Everyday, I am there knowing that I want something else. But feeling stuck, how to change my life. then you see others live different live, pick military, or a spouse or a wedding destination, another wedding you weren't invited to. Of course not, ya'll only knew each other from college not even high school. 

It's just amazing because I'm 35 and life feels like it goes by oh, so so fast. If this was a book this would be a book of my thoughts that someone would read and not think anything, not give it a go. If I still lived in NJ or NY I would be in a train texting Marvin, not have any time to just sit here and think. Sit here and write, I have an office but I never needed this before. All I needed was time.

And oh, the times I spent on those walks. Talking to God, he was inside me, I could reach him anytime. A friend that I could talk to and never let go. Those walks in New Brunswick, God what is going on? Or the time I came back home from college, I was like God, what am I supposed to do? Or the time I drove by 50th street park with Zari and she said the thing with the pictures and I pictured myself a whole future. Zari has her faults but Lord the ways she has been there for me. 

I remember the time and Latoya and Mona took time and went to the park together. I remember all the times we were making time doing ministry. Nothing in life lasts, it's all about the things you do over and over again. What traditions should I do for my family? They keep changing. Right now, its writing at night and reading our books, of course. Earlier it was taking a bath together, a way to settle down, wash the whole day away when he was a baby. Now Alex likes cartoons and cars and yes, even games. He listens and talks and can formulate a sentence. 

I do not have a boss in my life that I used to wonder about because he called me in off hours even at night asking what I am doing like I was his girl. It was inappropriate. I'm glad he left. I was attracted to him and the problem was, he was attracted to me. I know I'm attractive but that job sucked and the appearances and all that crap has got to go. Make the numbers, sales people say, make the numbers all while showing you a horrible opportunity. I remember the woman she reached out to me and someone got in the phone with me I said what I wanted and he said that he would send an email that he never did. I already know how to search things on indeed.com. 

I felt poor, going back to Bayonne and Jersey City, waiting for the 10 bus as if it was 1990 again. Like the time when I was a teenage and I would work the weekend at the super market. I wonder what my mom was doing and why she allowed us to do that. Thank God nothing happened to us and we were safe. But that was a lot. It wasn't really a safe environment. I don't think I would allow my teenage daughters to do that.  I don't remember my mother asking us about our day or what we were doing. I just remember spending my days with Lesly and we do not do well together. Even now, its crazy.

Okay, I'll stop typing I guess I have so many thoughts guess that's why I always liked the idea of me being a writer. Somehow, I lost that idea. thinking of how to survive, how to make money, how to get better. I went into college, more studying and worked at restaurants to make ends meet. Got an off campus apartment, only $450 a month but God it was hard. going to classes all day, working restaurant at night. Getting out of class, leaving a classroom full of people then going outside and being alone all over again. These extreme times of being around people then alone all again. Lady Gaga talked about this, it's a cruelty isn't it?

Have I learned to be alone? I don't know. I always like community. When I went to New Brunswick, it was going back to community and going back to making a living. Isn't that sweet. Going to church and meetings and ministry, getting involved. Then getting judged for not making friends as if I didn't show up. No one cared and its hard to do things superficially. Of course I made friends, I make friends everywhere I go. But Rebecca wanted me to be friends with her friends. The friends I made didn't count. She was young, she didn't get my life. People talk at work, then they go back to their life.

I feel a need to reconnect, hey why not? Like hey, I made it. Here you go. I reached out to dude from job he gave me update on old boss. He was humbled immensely, and he took the L and kept it moving. He lost all his status, that must suck. I think he needed the admiration. People put up with his stuff and he felt like he owned us. It was wrong and we let him I guess because they wanted to succeed so bad. But come on, isn't there anyone that is checking the facts? Anyway, I am wondering about oh girl. I think we followed each other in Instagram. I remember a new guy came and he was getting all these apps. He did more than me, she said it didn't matter. I felt so useless, someone coming off the street and getting all these things.

Appearance is important, it always is. And we encourage each other, but at the end of the day, its a grind and for me, it just wasn't paying the bills. I gotta go, to sleep. These are all my late night rumblings.