I talk to you

I don't know why

It felt good, to share my journey

and for you to tell me what to do

I already know what to do

Why did it feel so good?

Is the concept of sharing your life and knowing that someone cares?

And the late night talks with Jo, same, shared commodorie.

As  a single mother, you are the only adult around. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

But am I abusing my friends? Is this proper? I am not sure.

And today, while I was cleaning it was the 5 hour conversation with Marvin

I am so happy for him, I love where his life has progressed to.

He had a goal to buy real estate and he mentioned he is not a renter and neither is his girlfriend

I like what he said, he met a girl that is as ambitious? More ambitious? maybe more accomplished than him? Either way, it all sounds good. 

Seems everyone is leveling up, I am 35. Alaka bought a house and has been married. Marvin found a love, after everything is in school for MBA. He just started a cleaning company! I loved that he was able to share his journey. Started it with his friends, just like Alaka did.

It all is part of the journey. I am safe in this healing process, the recording says.

I want to remove everything, and be able to receive abundance. Empty it all out. Forgive everyone, hold no anger. I was mad at Marvin, I thought of the words he used and the ways I felt wrong. That made me not reach out for a very long time. What made me reach out now? I had something that I had to tell him. He was one of the friends that was there for me back in that time. So what happens? Do we minimize? All the times he was there, did I ignore them because in my mind I kept replaying all the things he didn't do for me when we tried to talk but we couldn't. We were both broken and knew we couldn't fly. It wasn't going to work. But I could no longer do the song and dance. The way he would come, it was like it was a date. And it was weird, I didn't know what to think of it. I was confused.

You like me or you do not like me? All that time, all the hangouts. The time in the park we just threw our bodies in the ground in the leaves. It was my idea. I remember, I hated that all the fun stuff was my idea. The time he took me to a restaurant. I remember, I was there waiting for him. For him to speak, for him to lead. It never happened. He was so laid back. I didn't know what was going on. 

I guess I want to be like an actress in the movie, reacting to the things that are happening around me. He put on a nice shirt, I put on a nice dress, you took me to a very nice restaurant and then the dancing place afterwards no? I remember I took him to some church event and everything I thought he would do, he did the opposite. It was like he was there but he wasn't there. Once again, I didn't get it. It all made me feel very very rejected. And I hate feeling rejected. When there was a group picture, he didn't pose with me, he was at the other side of the group picture. There was a photo booth and he didn't want to take any pictures with me. There was music, he didn't want to dance. 

And I hated the whole thing, it was like what is going on? Then when I would bring it up, it would be egh. I think we worked at his friend because we shared war stories of our single parent status. He would talk about the child's mother, i would talk about my child's father. It was a safe space. and the best part, we would laugh about it all.

I always felt vulnerable, again because of the finances in my life. It was nice to be taken out and that he would pay. I felt taken care of, and somehow by someone listening to my seemingly insignificant life I did feel like what I had to say mattered and I felt important a little bit. More important than I would in my household where my baby needed to constantly show up for him and my mother could care less about my inner thoughts. 

One time I asked her why doesn't she ask me how is my day and she said why don't I ask her. It's always been this way. She wants me to do all the work. It is part of her brokenness. She wants me to keep giving, and for her to receive but she has made no deposits in me. That is how I feel. Forgive her too, let it go too. Stop making this a thing. But I feel not heard, I feel like she doesn't care. Even when she saw me she hugged Alex and not me. It's like I am a second thought. I am there, used to her not caring about me. But she cried over Alex, cried like she was dying or he was dying or someone was dying.

Love, love, love. It keeps being something I look for. Unmet needs. I was nourished by my aunt. Who else? Did I receive love from? I would say throughout life, my friends. The people that would listen, the people who made me feel like it was okay to be me. It is sad when friendships end, it is sad when they leave.  Porfirio comes to mind, and Marvin was always good to me. So why was I so mad at him? I guess its because we tried to see each other as something more. and it didn't work. 

I felt so rejected, it is a feeling I have felt so much in my life. Auris its almost 2am but I can't stop writing. This is my soul, it wants to be heard.