3 things i'm grateful for

1. got my EIN even though i had that week with Jane, that still got done with the help of Mr. Fernandez. and all he asked is for my testimonial. the post with him and his daughter and she kept talking over him and into the camera was hilarious! he said, she don't want me to win. too funny!

2. Pat joined Toastmasters! following up with him, doing a LIVE, letting him know about the group now he gets to be a part and join us every week. I should send him a voice message now letting him know to start his goal.

3. Alex has a new speech therapist and he likes her! he was laughing and she introduced him to a speech therapy game that he likes and she says i have to pay for it. and she told me the website but i forgot. let me reach out and have her do it for me.

4. i was sick on Monday, and Tuesday felt better. I cooked last year because I was so hungry. I had some good sleep and I am grateful that led to me waking up early and being able to write a draft of my play. also spent half an hour today on the Gram. idea: turn bedroom into room where I practice my play? my own setup, my own place that I can perform it. It goes unused most of the time. Its like, here, we sleep! and we leave it alone the rest of the day. Not good usage of space.

5. Next need to have the donation corner back up and get rid of the table is next? get a circular table like I like.  me not being able to cook new dishes is becoming a problem. I am bored. Thailand for 3 months, I need you! BTW I went on JLo live and the Matthew guy and he talked about his book, green light. and he said he took tequila and went into the desert for 52 or 57 days. I'm like that's what I need! Complete silence! remember the past. Sit on it, dwell on it! Thailand for  3 months is my idea of that. get into a totally new environment. where everything you knew is wrong and the only comfort is the one you create. When Jane was here, I came home and watched secret garden because that was the only thing that was the same from my routine, it brought me comfort to know what happens next and seeing new things and how i felt the first time I saw it versus how I feel now. I love Secret Garden!

6. I wrote a part of the play today which is great because I want to start writing and not being afraid. Joseph said yesterday I need to work. But the truth is, my soul does not want to work. I want rest, I want fresh air. I want to be immersed in water every morning. I want everything but to work, as the Americans do. I want to laugh. I want adventure. I want something exciting. Everything here is the same. We are stuck in the habit of routine and for me, that routine is always changing. but I'm making my house more and more perfect and decluttering and getting ready to leave, let's be honest. But still, everything here is donated because I chose to spend time with my son and the town didn't have the opportunities, childcare wise (unless I get a car). But Tia worked there and told me how dirty the rooms are and all this stuff. I went and saw the staff, I like the director and 1 teacher I met and Alex liked the toys at the time. But still, I want to raise my son. I will not give up on this endeavor. This is very important to me. No curse words, the worst he hears is from me. 

I said 'fuck' to him. that came out of my mouth in anger. I get so angry and I scream. and I don't know why it happens. My coolness and being calm all goes out the window when he does something like not listen to me or walk so fast and go so fast that he does not stop and listen. he loves games now and the bookcase is going unnoticed. he used to cry if i said i am not reading a book tonight. ah, the comfort of routine. its been 6 years of reading a book every night. i used to come home from the bank, take a shower with him and then read him a book. it was the only time we spent together. 

When my mom said, let's hire someone 'de confianza.' she was talking about her, not about me. I did not want my son to be around a huge dog that was in a cage. I did not know this lady, Suyapa knew her. I did not feel secure or safe. We did what was best for mom, she wanted this women to watch Alex because Suyapa vouched for her. Suyapa, the person she hated was replaced by me. She judged and criticized every move and made new rules for me to follow with my son while disrespecting my boundaries and giving me attitude when I made her follow them, like don't barge into my room. I clean, I pay bills, I'm 30 years old. what else do I have to do to earn respect? get a dick, sorry wasn't born with one. 

I have  lot of repressed anger because what's coming up for me is how my mother wasn't there. the way she cares about Alex is a trigger because she didn't do the same for me. how does it make me feel? like I don't matter and the same thing, Alex is a boy so she cares. and my mom has a thing for not respecting women and letting men walk all over her. 

Takoya was exhausted by my honesty and therefor, my problems. I don't have clothes or money. the money I made from working there all went to pay off my backed up light bill. which was high because i worked from home and the fees to  cancel the internet and all the trouble they did to install the stuff. things out of my control. i told them what happened all they cared about was how I was breaking the rules. this was all supposed to be set up before you started. I'm like I got the job, I got the internet. not my fault it doesn't work and they have to send a tech out again. because what they promised they didn't deliver. now I'm behind on my promises, like Jim Rohn used to say.

This feeling of incompetent. Yes, even if it means not having internet and having to take a day off so that the tech can do his job and fix the internet. things out of your control and you stress. stress because you are afraid of losing what took you months to get. and it happened anyway. my grandfather died. i went to work the next day. if I didn't it was all going to fall apart. And it did. it fell apart. lost the job then the car. 

Andre, said, first of all, dramatic. I'm like its not dramatic. This is what happened. Why is my truth not okay? Why am I not allowed to express myself? my sister called me dramatic, she did it all the time. to me, this is how I express myself. To you, you don't add value to anything I say because you say 'its dramatic' meaning its not a big deal. I'm making more of it than it is. 

Well fuck that and fuck you.

The complete best defense mechanism.