Time 1.23.21

 Most of my time I do walmart, food shopping, walking around like time aint a thing.

pee, costs me lots of trips to the laundry and now that money aint a thing we are doing it more frequently.

stay at home will take or own washer and dyer.

car and house all on good credit I hear.

Income, deposits into my bank account. I can do that with a real estate transaction.

Boone says I can do a wholesale deal if I dont have money yet for anything.

I have February cohort but first 2 weeks is credit based.  How do I make money?

Focus on who already paid you, Mr. Steve. Do his course. Work hard, up nights like you used to when you came up with your book. I was up all in one night thinking about giving Alex to mom and for me going live to work with him for a week.

The obstacle I keep facing is money. One of our rules is, remove obtacles. I want to do the real estate cohort in order to stop making money the obstacle. Find a hussle. Run the play, find the play. I like newt enterpreneur because he's doing it. Also, gives out a lot of free game on IG. He's 25 which is amazing that he's doing all this and he's so young. It's inspiring.

I got diarrhea at the mouth like Andre used to say. I hate that phrase. When I speak on LIVE it all comes out. It's just the way I am. I know no other way. Refine yourself. But the guy online, mr.    stocks man he's the same way. he's successful and he's learning now how to refine some answers. Don't tell people everything about his controversial past. 

I love when I walk and me and Alex get to talk. I get to shape how he sees the world.  A little bit more like me. Not just what is there, but the possibilities. He throws a fit every single time we leave. He has gotten really used to the house. And now I will become more mobile so he's gotta get used to traveling.

I remember one time I threw a trantrum. I was mad becuase Alex was acging up. But it was understandable. He was what, 2? 3? and being homeless made us commute so long to Stan's home in the bronx (was it?) forest hills was the name of the area? and jersey city. it became easier when I got a job in NY. but it was harder because I didnt know the commute to take the train uptown from central park station was impossible. People pushed me out of the way. I was a casualty. Many times I would walk around waiting for the train traffic to die down. 

So the commute that I would usually take now took longer, because I could not get on a train. It was out of my control. Sometimes I would walk to other train stations. It hought then, how life was so difficult because house, daycare then job were all so far from each other. if everything could be in same city, or hell, same town. it would have been a different story. it sucks when you dont have control and don't own a thing. 

Now those problems are a distant memory. homeschool, so home is school. I am a writer and online business woman, so home is where I work too. It is also where we relax. It is where I clean and keep it up. It is where I do self care as well, my bathroom which is my spa where i take my hot baths.

Writing makes you reflect. No, it makes you take a moment to think. Or not think, but compile all your thoughts into one place.

Things I have been ignoring/not paying attention to:

Alex eyes

He wears the glasses everyday, I made it part of his routine. cancelled the doc appointment due to Jane not wanting to go. When I have my own car I wont be limited by time and space anymore. 

I remember when I got into the life insurance thing. Instantly, my son's need would have needed to have been back in the background. no more speech therapy. no more time to go to his appointments. life again would have been about someone else setting my schedule. giving all my time to earning money. I said no. yes I am poor. yes I may have nothing when it comes to money in the bank. 

but I have my son. I get to mold how he thinks and looks at the world and his self confidence. they say mothers are the first voice in their heads.

Things I do: i make him pay so he's money aware. I also make him  order himself at restaurants and speak up. I took so much time one day to teach him, very slowly at his speed, how to do things in the kitchen. He gets it.

One thing we struggle with is peeing on the bed. he still does it. I wake him up when I do and take him to the bathroom. that works most nights. we used to say no drinks after 6pm but we haven't done that lately. it may be time to do laundry. when we had the car it was so easy. to go to laundry, leave when it was washing and no limit to where we could go, even thought it was in city limits. we got everything done just in a very easy, fast way, with #noflightdelays like Nasean used to say.

Nasean said his father was sick last time he emailed me. I hope his father is allright. I read something he said to me and he was an asshole. He didn't allow me to feel, a theme I see a lot. I said I was overwhelmed he said if I'm overwhelmed now how would I feel when I have a house. lol. I will feel great! He was a fool and immature. he kept yelling 'I am a man!' when we both knew that he wasn't I. he was a boy trying to find his place in the world and, at that time, trying to find his place with me. 

I had crushes at work. the only time I allowed myself to be around men. there was the model looking tall guy with the fingers. his sexy fingers and hands, he worked at the bank. the more I saw his personality, the more my crush on him died. the mysteriousness died and so his appeal. he became a person, right in front of me. then there was the poet from the school. I met his fiancé! he had a young daughter! but I didn't care, I thought he was cute. Now I hit him up in Facebook, he's still out there writing his books and trying to promote them. he was very positive when I met him. had don't what I wanted to do, it was inspiring. and he had dreads. Man, I was weak for dreads when Marcus had them. btw, he still has them. 

I thought of my weird proposal. the guy didn't even have a ring. he just wanted to fuck. he was willing to do whatever it took to get with me. but he told me about his sex-capades with other girls. I don't know the way he told me, with the cold New York breeze between us and the excitement of the way he told the story I did not get jealous. I was more, surprised that he did what he said he did. he was kind of bragging as a guy would say. retelling what happened one night. 

I remember the time he called me and I was on a bus an di saw Ryan and I was just so single and happy as I am. feeling free and no more bound to what a guy was doing or not doing and how unhappy I was at what they were doing or not doing. I become the girl they liked. but then i got sour when i was wih them because i focused on them and stopped in some area, that are i was focused on them, to take some off the energy on me.

can we talk about the betrayal of Andre? he's with a girl 7 years and has a side chick. lies to me making it seem like his girl is cool with it, like some open relationship kind of thing. then he regrets how he tells me so much and turns out she doesn't know about this shit. How can he keep a lie for so long from someone he supposedly loves?

i thikn he serves his addictions more. define. 

So the one relationship I was so secure in that he wasnt with anyone else. I was wrong! Every girl he hung out wiht that he made it sound like they were friends and he had his days where he would go to NY and hang out with one person or another, they were all dating and were interested in Andre. The way he tol dme things and my aloofness in trusting him. It was a disguise. he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. maybe that' swhy he didnt want to commit. he wanted me to fuck and talk to and be able to pick up his call when he was lonely and date every heifer in town that wanted to marry him. me included. yeah, I wanted to marry him because he loved me and i thought he loved me beacuse of the feelig i woudl get when he hugged me. i knew he was weak for me. 

but not weak for me enough to change. himself, and all his double word, doubel minded, can't stay still. i must go out every single night of my life. complains because one day we were in traffic and went to Target night. if it wasnt a bar or a club it wasn't "exciting". As my friend would say, it wasn't 'Having a life!"

Like life is the thing that happens at parties. everything else, not life. having a life, meant you went to parties, where you drink and see people you like in an environment that is too loud to talk because they dont want you to talk. they want you to go to the mall find the most humiliating dress that says to the opposite sex 'take me off! i'm an easy fuck" while standing aroudn with a drink in your hand pretending to be otherwise, refined and hard to get. with people you dont know beacuse, hello, you can't talk to each other. its all a guise. a disguise. 

what the hell did Ryan and me used to do? Well his job kept him buys enough he went to the clubs and places I had never been. It intimidated me one time he went to a place in hoboken for his job that i had never heard of. he was the boy from ohio, which i kept thinking was the south and i did an southern accent, I don't know why. and he would tell me cool stories from his childhood like the time there were big bugs that flew and they were absolutely everywhere. and his uncle that died. and the drug trade? or some trade where people can kill each other and he had to make decisions and he was taught the street code or way in case he wanted to go that way. 

I didn't take it so seriously. like Andre's financial problems. I made him laugh. I was a good time. laugh away your problems with me. but then I would get mad when he didn't treat me like a partner and try to solve it along with him. it was frustrating not being heard. but then again, what the hell was i doing? being with a guy and trying to force them into marriage because that's what was expected of me?

I was living with my mom and sister. got a job, got a man. spent all the time with said man. they became my escape. their place was the place I hung out at the most. I hated that I talked to my mother and she didn't listen. my sister was made because I was a hussler and I was always out. I remember the month i quit everything. I stopped doing legal shield, which I started up again because it was boring going to work and then coming home. nothing else on the agenda. I was like, what? I got so much energy (as Alex says when he can't sleep)

Ryan had this great stories of his times at the mattress store. one time he fell asleep, woke up and the store was packed. he worked alongside this salesman that he always had the same 3 stories and depending on the customer, he would pick one to tell it to them and he would sell. the stories were his personal, real life stories and would get people to idk put their guard down somehow? and sell a mattress? idk. It was all a thing where he heard the stories so much he had come to memorize them somehow.

Back to things I am missing.

I went on a LIVE with an amazing black man that is making mental health funny and he's a professional in the field. he offered for me to finish the play by end of February and perform it in his old church in Atlanta. Yes, its exciting, but boy is it scary to think of performing the play. here it is, I spoke it, and I told him I want it to be in amazon prime is my goal after performing it in churches. 

So boom, I went on a  LIVE, which is now in my comfort zone, and I told him thank you for his content then told him my story and how I am finally writing the words to my trauma. For the play, I have to go there. A place that is dark and buried and I have never been allowed to talk about. I have to allow myself to talk about it. And have people yell weird things to me the way that they do to Dave Chapelle?

Can I allow it to be what it was, push out the silence like Drake says. Can I do it?

Please don't judge me. and i wont judge you. Chris Brown song. 

Reveal my musicness and sing in front of a live audience in church, again, something I was told I couldn't do. I wasn't allowed to make their stage. make my own stage. so please don't judge. me.