Notes for Lee 1.28.21

The mixture of fear, anxiety, and depression I was currently experiencing was overwhelming. With my heart racing and my breath erratic, I looked around wildly for a way out. 

Notes:

(1. explain appearance, hair messy? was is in a net, or a tight bun creating a headache? details like these)

2.We need a diagram of this. like draw it and then explaining it would be better because you have to draw a picture with your words. 

3.Before you say you were heading toward a 'small window' we need to know where you are. You haven't introduced the character yet. Is she female, male? the gender and hair type I feel would paint a picture

4. good job with first 2 sentences, we know he or she is in a state of panic)

 I headed towards the small window and forced it open only to realize that I was on the 3rd floor of our building 

Notes: 

5.  (talking about "3rd floor of 3 bedroom" is confusing. The 3 is repeated but not a good sequence. 3rd floor of.. building. then paint picture of her or his thoughts of why this is not a good escape route. in the second sentence you established 'looking for a way out' so we know that the character wants to escape. finish that sequence of escape and have to paint the picture of the room, keep expanding this

6. I recommend change sentence to "3rd floor of a building" then paint picture of how you could not escape. 

example: I pictured myself jumping out the window but even at 3 floors I was sure I would break at least an ankle.  This small window would not do. I needed to find a better escape route)

7. use the 3 bedroom apartment information and find another place to introduce this. hopefully as a way to paint the picture of the household and the other members. but the first paragraph you should introduce the character. the hair i am so curious about it, gender, and the room he or she is in. Once you have established this, you can introduce the setting outside of the room. 

8. good job again with setting up his or her emotional state. next is setting up the room. again, I recommend you draw it. and put a lot of detail. paint for us. the goal is for the words to make us see it. and then touch it. 

of our 3-bedroom apartment. I locked myself in the bathroom and plopped down on the toilet seat completely defeated. I sat in the dark covering my ears rocking back and forth. “What am I going to do?” a small cry escaped my lips. I have tried so long to hold in my emotions, it was too late the dam I meticulously build was easily wash way by this tsunami of emotions and I was in full blown ugly cry.

Victor and mommy are yelling and pounding on the door, Mommy says “Valencia, I can’t believe you are so stupid to get kicked out of school.” My brother says to my mother, “Mommy, come on give her a break, there has to be an explanation.” “EXPLAINATION! There is no explanation that will make this ok, Valencia open the door, NOW!! Even my dog Bandido joined in with the yelling and was barked at the door “Ugh, everybody is hates me, even the dog”. It was true I got kicked out of school. It happed a week ago but I was pretending, getting ready everyday to go to school. I’m such a liar. I’d updated my mother’s contact info to my phone# and email address and was hoping to intercept the snail mail, but mommy got off of work early today. “Dios mio Valencia if you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to kick down.” My mother was furious and meant every word. All of a sudden I started hearing multiple voices as if they were whispering in my ears.