JEALOUSY- CATCH YOURSELF

The holidays just passed. you saw from friends, your loved ones, you maybe had to answer some annoying questions and saw some people that are familiar.

Every year we get updates from people. where they are, and sometimes we start comparing. in my life there is someone is always consistently rising. the curse of having siblings, you will always have someone that you will be compared to. 

Parents are great at this. but honestly we do it to ourselves. we have deadlines and goals and in America, in this consumer society most of life's highlights are based on the things we are taught to consumer: a house, a car, and the personal milestones, marriage, kids. 

Everyone has a different time to reach these goals. and we put pressure on ourselves and family and friends constantly put pressure on us. overall, no one cared whether you graduated the 4th grade, because everyone on your class graduated at the same time. but things that are unpredictable, when are you getting married, how many kids you have, how big your house is, those things, those things we get pressured on.

Sometimes we just want to be left alone. for me, my brother has been the sibling that I have compared myself to my whole life. why? we're both smart and goal driven and competitive. I never saw myself as a jealous person but in the last couple of years, I couldn't take my brother's feed. he was traveling to Dominican republic, then Michu Pichu in Peru. after Christmas we did a zoom call and next week he sent us a message of him and his son skiing.

The world doesn't change, we do. the same things that trigger us will be there. we have to find a way to heal so that it doesn't become burdensome.

Why cant I be happy for him? why when i go to his house and see the comfort of his life, do I wonder where did I go wrong? we had the same mother, but he was the favorite so she treated him with love and me with disdain. okay that's a different. we went to same college, he joined a frat and I refused to pledge a sorority. I had gotten my behind beat enough as a kid, I wasn't going to bring that into my adulthood.  he did public speaking in events that his fraternity held. I sang and performed my poetry in open mics.

He worked as an RA. I worked at the campus center because I wanted to see all the performances when celebrities would come to campus. it made my life harder because it was in a different campus and I took a lot of time to commute there twice a week when I didn't have morning classes but to me it was worth it. I learned how to set up a stage and how to set up different kinds of room for different events.

I graduated in 2008 middle of a recession. my brother, 2 years older, had graduated in 2006 where companies would throw you a job if you had a degree. Here! He caught one.  For me, I did anything for money but thought i was too good to take graveyard shift at the local quick check or Dunkin donuts. 

I went to college! I wasn't going to take a job I could have done with my high school diploma! no one cared, after 6 months my student loans were due and I had no money. eventually i meet someone at the library. I would apply for jobs there for about 6 hours a day. this guy said the way to get jobs is through networking. he said call everyone on your phone and ask them if their company is hiring and send them my resume if they are. 

2 weeks later, I had a interview and i got hired. his advice worked.