Jealousy- catch yourself

Hi my name is Auris. how are you?

Are you jealous? of course, if you are a regular, lying person you will not admit that you are jealous. 

Jealousy shows in our actions, the way we treat others and the way we treat ourselves.

Earlier in life I never understood why people would be jealous. I thought everyone works so hard for what they have, why be jealous? 

but then I met Isaura. She had a cousin named Mariela. They both became my best friends.

Mariela never worked hard for anything. she had two parents. she tired getting a job at 16 and they refused to give her the documentation to get it. they wanted her to depend on them. any thing she wanted they gave her and the expensive things, her older brother Alberto would get her.

Isaura was always being compared to Mariela. and in time, that led to her having resentment towards her.

For me I am not a twin but grew up like one. Lesly was my sister. but we looked exactly alike. same hair color, same length of hair, same body. and worse, we always wore matching outfits.

As a child, I was frustrated that I was a part of a group. I wanted to be my own person, with my own identity. Not someone part of 'aurylili' my family's version of putting our names together in one world, similar to what they did to Jlo and Ben. Bennifer. shakes head.

I was surprised therefore, later in life. when I did experience the feeling of jealousy. and of all people, it was my brother.

We were both top students of our class. we both went to the same college. okay, in college he got a better GPA than me. and he graduated and worked for Phillip Morris which I refused due to my morals. I didn't want to spend my career promoting cigarettes, something I did not believe in. 

My brother graduates, makes 50 or 65k off the bat. and starts traveling and living la vida loca. he gets girl pregnant and married her shot gun style, except he was the one holding the gun. no one forced him but if they didn't marry she was going to get deported.

The wife called me crying and told me all their struggles. he ignored her and danced with other women when they went to parties (a no no in my culture). He was a married man, but he was living life as a single person.

It took over 10 years to become a marriage. and this year he finally proposed and they set a date to get married in the summer but as you know, corona happened so that got cancelled.

This is not why I am jealous. The thing is, I have struggled so much to get the things I wanted since college. and my brother, it just falls in his lap. he doesn't even want them.

He hated his job at Phillip Morris because people would disapprove. it wasn't good socially to admit where he worked. but he loved the financial stability it gave him. they got him a laptop, a car and even paid for gas. he had a wife and a young son that he did not value at the time. he was running away from his life, while I was struggling to get the basic foundation of mine.

I graduate 2008, recession. my brother, 2 years older, had a smooth transition. due to his high GPA he did internships every summer and had a job lined up before he graduated. i never met the minimum requirement and spent summer working at whatever mall jobs were available.

He had a family and I struggled to get a man. I was chronically single, or as my friend Eridania would say it, I was ''very single'. Its' just my MO. I didn't mind it, but it became a topic of major concern as in my culture you should have a boyfriend by 16 and marry him by 21.

I was 24, out of college and nothing on the horizon. I moved back with my mother, paying rent and working jobs locally. 

In all of this, I wasn't jealous. it started happening recently. it was Facebook. his wife would post their vacations. that's what did it for me. I am struggling to get a job or when I get a job would lose it. there was no stability in my life. it was like trying to hold water in the beach. the water always goes back to the beach. and no matter what or how or how many books and networking I did. I would always go back to broke. and when I had a job I was playing financial catch up with my student loans and bills.

I was frustrated. My brother refused to ever help me with anything. I grew up in Dominican republic, he came to America early and learned English. I came later on and he never helped me with homework or learning the language or anything. I wondered how Mariela had a brother that would take her to the mall and buy her clothes and perfume when my brother wouldn't even give me a smile. 

His favorite thing to do was order me and my sister around like we were his servants. 

It was infuriating that he, with his selfish self seeking ways and arrogance and lack of humility and overall asshole ways, had gotten a girl to love him deeply and he was fucking it up. 

I had given birth, lived with mom, father not around forced to go back to hometown, mu unemployment ended. and my brother in the first outing I have with the family. is talking behind my back to my sister saying that I owe him money. he more than anyone knew that i was home all day with my baby and I had nothing. but he was angry, so much he ignored me, kept going to different places and couldn't just be with my and my kid. 

I didn't have a brother so i made brothers in people outside  my family. Dominique was one and Marvin, I could call them anytime to ask them about men worked and what I was going through at the time. they listened and gave me a different perspective.

I am naïve and I still don't understand. how you can love someone and they don't love you back. why you get rejected all the time by the family that is suppose to love you. why someone loves you but makes you feel shit about it the whole time. its hard thing to look at. then you want me to come over and 'spend time with the family' or better phrased 'spend time with the people that treat me like shit'.

No respect, do not care for my dreams. and are always giving me horrible advice. my brother once called me and asked me if i applied at ups yet and if could work weekends. and I explained to him that no one watches my baby except daycare. my mom does not help with watching Alex at all. I cant work weekends

And I hate that no one cares or sees me as a mom. its all work here, work there. I get it, I have to make money. but I am not chasing money when I came to Georgia. I wanted to spend time with my son. you don't have to agree with my decision. at least respect it. 

I feel hurt. I don't understand why I care and do for others and my family they just look at me  and I don't feel the love.  Lesly does care, the same way mom does. they can give financially but they cant be there emotionally. she just doesn't get me. and never does. she jumps on the ' oh yeah, these are all the things that are wrong with you train'.  I can cry and be vulnerable but she'll just be like, yeah that's what I'm trying to tell you, you are selfish.

I don't related to it. I remember the time I wanted to eat cheesecake and I wanted mom to pay. Why? I was broke. you have it. 

I would do that for anyone. but its money. people get very personal with it. they are afraid to let it go. even if you tell them that you are struggling. one time I dined with a  guy from college told him how broke I was. went down the street to the supermarket that you could get a meal for 3.50 and came back and ate at the restaurant that I couldn't afford. of course, we were there to do a financial analysis so that I could get life insurance. for me, it was a chance to catch up. we had worked together for 2 years in a college group. we did catch up. but I was like why didn't he offer to buy lunch? he had a job and had a nice car and $7 wouldn't have broke the bank for him the way it did for me, living hand to mouth. but he didn't. I asked to be excused and I walked to get the meal then i came back and he waited.

It was a bit humiliating for me but he didn't know the reason i did that was not due to preference of food but due to my poverty.