I write and God

 two things I love

spend a lot of time on

or spent

I used to be an avid church goer

now i stay at home as of lets say today 1.30.21

me and my relationship with God is like a boyfriend that you gave your heart to and they are below your expectations

I do what God tells me to do and I keep getting hurt

I am tired of that too

the bruises, the pain, hoping its all for something

dude said stop seeing everything as a bad thing. I don't know how else to see it.

New Brunswick, running away from homeless. go crazy, have no insurance, can get no theraphy. I've already had a history of mental illness. hello. mental hospital at 17. 

then look for love in men after a year of you (God)  told me not to date. guess what? a year later, fall into the same patterns. now its 7 years later and I'm scared to be with me. I'm scared to be the version of me that is broken. Scared to give most of myself away as I do. scared to be co-dependent and the book said I was. scared to love because I don't 'love' the right way.

All I see is the ways I am wrong. When am I right? What is good about me? Why is it so easy for my friends to see it but not myself?

I do too much, I am too much. I don't see the lines. I don't see the boundaries. I treat my friends like family. My real family doesn't understand me, get me, or interested in doing so. there you have it. that's the truth of it folks.

They also don't care for me, my dreams and never ask about the mental illness or what happened or about the dad or about anything. Suyapa asks and she's not even blood. She married in. and I'm sick of her having to be the buffer. Leave me alone. if my brother wants to talk to me, he has my number. Enough of everything going through her. 

Then he comes, just like he does with mom, and ask me if I'm mad at Suyapa. Like she doesn't have the power to ask. Like mom, Cesar fights her battles. I tell him I'm not mad and just like mom, he dismisses me.

I get so angry that they don't listen. and that they don't ask the question. how are you? what's going on? my brother asked me once. he heard me the instantly compared me to mom. well mom raised 3 kids.

Actually, she did not.

Does anyone get that part? have kids, have kids? then give them away for someone else to raise them. makes no sense. I get it you were broken my dad was broke and Cesar's dad was a bigger asshole than Cesar Okay. but that's not my fault mom. and stop using the fact that you gave birth to me, (now that I have done it I understand its like doing poop, it just has to come out). You use that as a defense so that you can stay in my life and keep abusing and mistreating me.

Grow up! Grow up! You get Tio Dennis to fight your battles. You get your friends to come and talk to me. You hate confrontation. Guess I got that from you. Gotta write a play and get an audience so at least complete strangers can listen to me. Maybe they'll tell you what was going on. all the answers to the questions that you never asked.