There was this time

I visited grandma's and Alex was hungry so I got him pizza from the restaurant. and then i go upstairs someone complained about my food choices. and Tio Dennis came and i said something like asking for advice and I often do. I like to ask older people about what they have learned. and he said something about one cannot do something because they are mad at their mom.

and another time in life Tio Dennis said I did something wrong to mom.

Mom the victim, always running to other people. Never talking to me directly. never, you know why? because she can't control me. or she tries to manipulate and control me. so when that doesn't work. she goes to others and OMG did you know, she cried in front of Tia Margot? 

Tia Margot called me and said my mom gave birth to me, something, interestingly enough, I knew already. so my aunt was trying to guilt trip into something and again, I refused. I told my best friend Jane and she said she was watching Iyanla and some people cry for manipulation. 

If my mom was really so sad and sorry that I wants talking to her, she could call me and apologize. But instead she goes to my aunt and cries in front of her to get someone influential, the woman that raised me, to come and talk some sense into me. talk to your mom. I refuse. 

I am 35 and I am still the holder of your secrets. Everyone thinks that you are sane. But you are crazier than me. You are the one that belongs in the mental hospital. Your refusal to deal with your anxiety and manipulation and guilt and low self esteem and the way you worship your son (again, must be the dick).

its sick really. 

I told Jane and she was saying how she watched Iyanla show and when the father cried it was to manipulate the family. and she was like, you mom is manipulating your aunt. My mom supposedly was crying saying she was sorry. but if she truly was sorry, she could call me and apologize.

Last month she said call me I'll send money. that day literally I was going to send her the $200 back to send a message. we are not your puppets. If Alex doesn't want the castle thing anymore he doesn't have to buy it. She gave $200 for Christmas gifts and I send her what we spent it on and she sent message given us instructions on what she wanted. which basically, for my son to buy something he no longer wanted and for me to wrap it and for me to film a video of him opening it. 

All for what/ so that we are her puppets so that she feels like a good grandmother. you never wanted to watch Alex, yeah no even when he was sleeping. so miss me on that. all you did when you were around was give orders and I did everything then you would say something else and I would do it and it was horrible. then come in everyday and yell about how bad the weather was, like hello you've been in this country since I was like 4 or 6, over 30 years and you are still shocked that its cold most of the months in Bayonne, NJ?

I would tell her this all the time. I would come from outside and she would say, what's the weather outside? I'm like if you didn't know already, cold. you know, the same weather it is 90 percent of the time. She didn't reply.

My last monies were $200 from Steve and $160 I think? from Mom.  Government and mom are the financial backing. where I live, government. disposable income to pay bills, Mom. Everytihng else, credit card. I have to be responsible and earn an income I just refuse to earn it the way everyone out here says to earn it, to get a job. I did that. I got fired more times that I can count. I am tried of being told what to do by someone who could care less about me, my priorities and my child.

I remember the call with Alaka to become an agent that can make 10,00 a month. he told me the schedule. Instantly the speech therapy that my son has been denied by the schools since we have been in Georgia will have to be cancelled. Instantly, my son would have had to take backburner to my job. Instantly, everything I stood for that took me a year of being homeless then 2 years to get settled into our new place with help only from mom with her monthly $100 and sometimes $200 donation, gone.

All that work to go back to Alex doesn't get what he needs and I don't get what I need. Being a present mom that I want to be. I wanted to raise my kid. Not give him away to someone else like was done to me. I, more than anyone, knows what that feels like. 

Enough is enough. My needs are important, his needs are important. I refuse to settle.  I am going to get paid to write, damn it!

This is very important to me. And yes, Mr. Pitts I applied for 2 work from home jobs I got denied for both. I presume is because I've been in Georgia for 2 years. I filled the gap with pretending I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. (lies). they were not interested. I have a degree, I've worked at major banks in New York, the best city in the world and all that marketing. but no, I always get denied. Apparently, the only person my experiences impress is me.  I have taken it personal so many times. Oh yeah, I really have. I am tired of being on the losing side. But somethings are not meant to be, like money for me between college and now. the most I made was 35k. My goal was 50k. I've never gotten that and its 2021 ad I graduated in 2008. Eventually you say, okay this is not working. I'm a hamster at a wheel. keep spinning and spinning and no closer to my goals. homeownership, marriage, savings, a life that can be lived without depending on mom in some way. 

Guy left, unemployment ran out. government said be late for 2 months then we'll house you. I said no, I can't do that to my landlord. i went back to mom's, in Bayonne. I was so scared. I said, she's going to drive me crazy like 17. and guess what, folks? that's exactly what happened. 

They said there are sharks in the oceans and fish. I was a fish never interested in being a shark. For real. I just want to be me. in a society or at least, the people I live with, that accept it and have no problem with it.

I understand what its like to want to escape. the reason is we get tired of pretending to be anyone than ourselves.