Testimony of Auris Arias (2nd writing session) 10.28.21

 They say being sad (AKA depression) is like dark cloud that rains on you.

But in my experience, I see it as a plastic bag. Its a plastic bag full or gabage that you have to carry around all the time. And only you can see it.

And you pretend that you are not carrying it around. And it gets exhausting, pretending to be like everyone else that is not carrying this dark plastic bag. 

People ask you how you are doing and they don't give you time to anwer. You say sad, but nobody listens. Eventually you just give them what they want, a smile and a "OK!" and they keep going as they intended. Only asking how are you as a part of a social contract, a greeting that is really a question that noone wants to hear the real answer.

So everyday I carry this bag. and its full of thoughts. It asks me questions. Like what is the point of my life. and when will life be better. and when was the last time I was happy. and no matter how good and positive I try to stay and answer, it always comes back to a bad conclusion.

and it just doesn't stop talking. all night, talking to me. when I see pictures in the wall, they get distorted. I feel like I'm connected to a dimension of life no one else is connected to.

And of course I don't explain it, if I wasn't experiencing it myself I would think I'm crazy too!

I hear voices in my head. I feel things and sadness no one else feels. My first anxiety attack (as the mental health professionals call it) was simply me not being able to breathe. 

I (pause) could (pause) not (pause) breathe.

It sounds like this ( act it out) and looks like this.

and feels like this: I felt like God was allowing me to feel of the pain of all the people in the world that were feeling pain in that moment. And I was overwhelmed by it, and I asked God to take it away. I did not want to feel their pain. I could not bear it.