Oh yeah its sabbath

I watched TV. did some dishes. opened a TD trade account. It was in a post that Wall St Trapper made.

In my head there was this voice. "yeah you want to go to the park but is that going to make you any money?"

The truth is I want to write. Having a car is cool but its exhausting going from place to place. honestly with Jane here it was a lot. I watched Secret Garden at night to feel some sense of normalcy. When I was home I woke up before anyone. I left the house because Jane was sleeping in the living room and I didn't want to wake her. So I didn't do my usual do dishes as first thing I do after going to the bathroom routine. And what did I do? Search for car washes, the 4th one was the one. Go to Walmart return and buy whatever was needed for that day. I went to the library and bought magazines so that she could make her vision board. I came back she said okay and got to work.

I have this need to be appreciated. To be told, you did this well. Last night we watched a episode of blackish and the guy did one thing, brought store brought cupcakes and everyone loved him. Then he worked harder and harder to get that praise. It was weird the role reversals when he was hard at work in the kitchen, the partner that has nothing to do comes over, does not offer help. and says, hey do this after you are done, pointing to the crotch.

I was watching the show and I thought of how my sister calls me dramatic and how in writing, it is okay to be dramatic. To be honest, it's welcome. and the show is really them acting out the weird thoughts of the writers. 

I love how in that stories things rabble and come together. like the episode on "Community" show on Hulu. last episode, gas went on the things on top of people's heads to get rid of the Monkey. Ken lived there as he's going through a divorce. so then he's homeless. he gets offered cop position due to the school's funding getting cut off. so then he needs a challenge because job is too easy and at this same time Britta feels pressure to do something to get into prison and protest something. it was the perfect mix of here problem, solution, and like Domino's, like cause and effect.

The episode with the 6 different time lines oh man, that was fun.

I read this book in my homeless year when I was living in the Bronx with Stan. The book was about Hemingway and he married rich (smart). and his daily routine. They lived in Florida I think, a hot weather place. He would wake up, write for about 4 hours or so. At noon, go down the stairs then he would play with his teenage sons in the pool right outside the house. WOW. I thought. 

And the summer and things they would travel the world. They went to Africa and different places. Once again, I said wow. We see Hemmingway but he was able to be an artist because he had married into financial security and the travels got rid of the autonomy of everyday life. Not that he had a regular life because he didn't have to work. like Albert Einstein. he worked the things he wrote about, the things he figured out that got him called a genius, were really things he did when he wasn't at work. but he is not smiling in any of his pictures and his hair is unkempt. typical look of a person that is more concerned with the thoughts in their head than their appearance. (like me lately)

I am of the latter. I don't care. but as a girl and a person that wants to please people and things and likes to follow rules or more like I want to know the rules so that I know where the lines lie, I felt like I should do makeup and stuff because it was expected of me. It was a rule. Girls have long hair and marry early and play with dolls and. ugh. exhausting.

I cleaned all the time while Marcus (my cousin I grew up with) got to do nothing. and he got to go to all the adventures. to the beach when he was invited and all the places. I was constantly told no, and the reason was always something I could do nothing about: I WAS A GIRL.

What am I going to do about that?