Fight between me and Cesar

You a selfish motherfucker.

But what about mom?

What about her?

Cesar: Why do you hate her?

I don't hate her. I'm talking about in the play my experience of her. 

Cesar: If you didn't hate her, you wouldn't have said those things.

"Those things" (using air quotes) are my feelings, they are my thoughts they are my experience.

Why is it that you cannot imagine a world where me and Lesly's experience of mom is different than yours? you are the favorite, the golden child. you got love and hugs and you are special.

All we got was clean the wall and take out the trash. and if you remember that's how you treated us too, like little servants that have to clean the house because mom didn't want to do it.

Mom: it was a lot of work!

Me: so was it being ripped from everything you know, put in a different country and language and home with brother that ignored us for the TV and a mom that was never around. the only things that were said to us was that we were bad, stupid and where is the remote control? my childhood was ripped from me, my father whom I loved was not around. i had to still go to school, learn a new language, navigate the egg shell of Tia Luchy's comments who always found something bad to say about everything. 

But we were never considered.

Auris: Remember the time you and mom told me I had a couple of hours to transcribe everything in the comput3er because you both had decided that it was time to get rid of the comput3er. i was the only one that used it. my feelings were not thought of. my opinion was not consulted. As always mom was the mom and she treated you like you were the dad and your word went and both of you ordered me and Lesly around, like the little soldiers that we are. we were 10. then 11, 12, 13. We were kids. And you were a kid, you didn't know that it was wrong for my mom to put you in that role that she was putting you into. 

Cesar: Oaky, Auris what is your point? why do all this? why air out this dirty laundry?

Auris: because its the only way I have, the only way I always had. All I can do is write because in this family we don't talk about things. Like a fart we put up our noses and pretend it doesn't exist. but, sorry, Cesar but I feel. I feel your resentment towards me. I feel the resentment Lesly has. I tell you guys to talk about it with me, and both of your walls go up and you say 'no, its not there.'

You always negate it. So you think I don't know, I don't feel. Then your wife goes and calls me and tells me all the fucked up things you and mom talk about. like about the time you told her to have me be homeless and pregnant cause you sure didn't give a fuck. and mom said no. oh yeah, how do you think that one felt?

And when you came to the  mental hospital, you sat in that dark room and I told you shouldn't have taken me to the scary movies. You said "I can't believe my sister is in a mental hospital" when I was pregnant you said " I cant believe my sister is on welfare". It's all about you huh? you are concerned that it was your sister going through those experiences, you were worried how it made you look.

Because you sure as hell didn't care. you didn't help, as always. you didn't offer anything but words. one time at a party you said 'with each kid you lose a year'. I have no idea what you were talking about but later on I got the meaning after I had lived it. all you had for me was orders. in college, it was we are going home, get ready. then you would hang up.

You don't know how to talk to me. So your go-to is ignoring me. You think it doesn't hurt me that in every family fathering you ignore me. Someone is always more important. The one time that you picked up my phone you know why it was? because it was David that was on the line. You know how much that hurt? You talk about hate. Then you talk about that. You can't stand to be around me or in the same room as me. As soon as I arrive you leave with the kids or you sit in a corner with mom, as far away from me as possible. Oh yeah, you think I didn't notice? 

One time she called you and told you lies and you believed every one. You didn't even think to ask to put me on a phone to see what was going on. It was just like back them, she's the mom and you are the dad and my opinion or thoughts are not considered, not even part of the conversation.

This is the stuff. The stuff you don't want to talk about, she doesn't want to talk about. so I will keep writing about it. Yes, you guessed it. alone. and you go back to work and watching TV, the same way you disassociate. You were taught all that from a very early  age. 

Cesar: whatever Auris, you saying all this stuff in front of people at my expense.

Auris: Again, somehow making it everything about you. Bye!