Question

 Do you complain? 

No. I don't talk about NB. I do feel really bad about it, and it was a dark period in my life.

When I am around others, I feel like I have to explain myself, so I start complaining. 

I say things like, there is  no job opportunities here. That is true, but it sounds like complaining to me then it puts me in a position where people want to give me an answer to a problem. Maybe I feel shame, and stating those things explains my situation.

Do you find fault at the slightest provocation? 

No. But if people do something big and disrespectful I cut them off and when I think about them, I get mad at them.

Do I frequently make mistakes at my work and if so, why?

My job at Chase in Brooklyn. I was least efficient, least focused. The reason I was so focused on my dreams at that moment. I would just listen to a podcast when I had nothing to do. I would have nothing to do for 4 hours then I would listen to something interesting. 

Are you sarcastic and offensive in your conversation?

I'm an encourager, I am not those things. 

Do you deliberately avoid the associations of anyone and if so why?

My sister and my mother. I don't see myself the way they see me. It's discouraging. They're my family and I can't avoid so what I learned to do is limit my interactions. There is a loss of control, with my mother. With others, I can cut them off. With her, I can't. She's going to be in my life for the rest of my life. I have to respect her, She's my mom. its like let her be. 

Do suffer frequently with indigestion and why?

I only did one time, that I extreme stressed out from my job. I had to go the doctor. Once I took the day off, I knew I wasn't going to come back.

Does life seem futile and does the future hopeless to you? Why?

I created a vision for my life, I believe its possible. Everyday I'm getting closer to the dream. I feel like I am developing the characteristics required for the call. Because of this, I do not see life as futile and hopeless.

Do you like your occupation?

I'm stay at home mom. Alex does have everything he needs but I don't feel complete because I am not accomplished. I feel like a part of me does not exist due to not being successful, having money. A part of me feels lack because I haven't figured it out yet. It's almost like I'm not fully me. And because of this, I feel like Alex doesn't get all of me. I am constantly trying to figure that part out. and it makes me create space between us. I cannot be there all the time. 

 When I was a banker, I loved my occupation, researching the wealthiest people in the world. I felt close to them, I like that I had access to real world knowledge to the movers and the shakers. It was all about how it was set up from the beginning. 

Do you often feel self pity? 

No, not in my usual. If I think of the dark time in my life, I feel self pity. I hate that I was in that situation of being close to homelessness and I hate that I dealt with that level of mental health and loneliness and the decisions it led me to. 

Are you envious of those who excel?

I'm jealous of my brother. I fight with it, he's never been fired or lost a job. He's consistently employed since he graduate college. He has wife and kids. I am a single parent. He also makes good money, and he travels.

It's frustrating. Like, why can't I change my environment? We went to the same school, same college. 

If that can happen for him, then you know it can happen for me. 

Use it as an example, his route looks attractive but you don't really want that.  The stable job, you want freedom and entrepreneurship and making a big impact in the world. 

To which I devote the most time? Success or failure?

50/50. When I am by myself, success. If I am around others, I talk about what is available.  

God is teaching me to be alone. In me learning to be alone, I feel like I am becoming more of myself. 

Am I getting more confident or less year by year?  What is different? 

First year of not looking bad at myself in my birthday. 

What is different is the environment. Moving to Georgia, power of association, not having those people around me.

Do you learn something of value from your mistakes?

I am not sure, I know not to do what I did when I was in New Brunswick. I've had two lows since then and I did not react like that. So that is growth.

Do you permit some relative or acquaintance to worry you, if so why?

My sister, because I love her and I grew up with her, I  get very disappointed at her comments. 

Be around her, but let the things she say be her problem, you don't have to pick it up.

How can you be around me and not have any clue of who I am?

There may be envious of you, they have nothing good to say. This person doesn't know how to give a compliment. The only way they know how to acknowledge it, they say something bad about it. 

Like Alaka had a new jacket, his friend said that jacket is too tight. 

When she said your friend are too young, she's saying I acknowledge you have friends. Maybe some envy that I don't have the ability to create friends. 

Let people think whatever they want to think. What you did, and your perspective of yourself. Everything is going through her filter. The fact that I am bothered by it, is an issue with myself. 

Technically, there should be nothing that bothers me. I spend all day with me. Nobody knows me better than how I know myself. There should be nothing that you could say that could bother me. Why does it bother me? Learn that whatever she says is what she says, and her issue is her issue. 

I want the acceptance and love. Instead I get the rejection.

Darnell Self, his friends said call me when you make 40k. Then it was, call me when you get to millionaire. Then it was, that's a pyramid scheme. OR that's good for you, I can't do that.  You got special skills, you talk real well so they downplay the hard work that it took. The issue is with them, that is their problem and let them figure it out. 

Don't appear perfect in front of people, then they start looking for flaws. I downplay a lot of the stuff I do. I point out my flaws and I say if my life works with these flaws, imagine what could happen for you. Those people admire you, thin line between admiration and hate. Like the son who killed his father, Ceasar's son. And in Power as well, Tariq killed his father. But he admired him so much he wanted to become him, make money through selling drugs. 

I always say, there is enough love for everybody. 

Did I learn something of value (from my mistakes?)

I learned, How low can you go? I learned my lowest and I learned I never wanted to do that again. and It's true, two lows since that time and I reacted in healthy ways. Last time, I wrote poetry and drank water. When my grandfather died, I took naps and baths and cut off my hair.

Is my head in the clouds?

When I was younger, I was accused of having my head in the clouds. I would get so caught up in my thoughts I would not be present. I wasn't there, I wasn't paying attention. It was negative, when my uncle asked me to close my eyes and to tell him the color of his shirt and I had no idea. I felt stupid. It was like he was proving my point that I wasn't paying attention. And he was right, I didn't care about the color of his shirt. I think it would have been more interesting if he asked what I was thinking about that was taking my attention away. Whatever I was thinking was more interesting that looking around in that store. 

Now I do affirmations and creating ideal.  Is that considered head in clouds? yes. 

Who has the most influence in your life? Michael Jackson, he was the first elder that believed in me and spoke life into me. Case in point, Auris it's going to happen for you. (when I was doubting marriage when I was around all the newlywed couples in Dumbo part of Brooklyn.) My grandmother spoke negatively towards me, and it stuck with me for a long time. The lack of belief in me and it would make me feel down. Pastor Jackson said I was going to be great and he spoke words of life into me. Things that God had spoken into me, he said those words out loud, the things that only me and God knew. Things that made no sense to me, when I had all this self doubt. It was life.

Do you tolerate negativity or discourage influences that you can avoid?

Tolerate negativity, I guess only with Tia and I am relieved when she is gone. It's like I feel the different energy level. I feel the difference in myself now that she's gone. Her plants are dying though, I don't know what to do about that but keep watering them. 

Do I discourage influences that I can avoid? I guess I was not welcoming to James the other day and that's good because he sucks. Any other influences they are no longer around like Kent and Yomeiry, negative energy and influences. It was so fun being their friend. Me and Kent used to laugh. I don't miss it though. weird, even like with Nasean. I don't miss our laughs. I just think about his inconsistences. 

Are you careless of your personal appearance if so, why?

No, I dress well at work, at church, anytime I go outside.  When I'm home yes. When I go outside, dress up.

Have you learned to drown your troubles by being too busy to be annoyed by them?

I haven't learned that. But that sounds like a great solution. Be too busy to be annoyed by your problems. that is kind of how I feel right now. I am so focused on this 250k goal that is so exciting that nothing  else matters. Considering the life insurance thing because its possible to do 10k a month. I have never made me. It makes me excited because its a big pot, higher than I've ever made. Making 10k a month, what that would make possible. 

David Instagram 8/19 I'm watching his live.

And I got a major key!  David: The way God operates with me, whatever you ask for, whatever it is you desire, God shows you in the life of someone else that you know. Or it could be someone that you don't even know. He is showing you that it is possible. That it is doable, that it can happen.  Key!!!

My brother has what I want! a marriage, a son and a younger daughter. and the ability to travel. Amazing. This totally reframes everything that I have seen. 

Today I talked to my sister and they were talking about how difficult relationships are and how one time they took a picture and everything looked nice but they were arguing right before. Its a constant compromise and some people just do not agree.

It was exciting to see NY. How to experience it in a new way? I think of the way I did before, the late night walk and commute. The time I took the ferry and I had to walk such a long distance and I called Alaka because it was late and I was scared and I had such a long distance to go.