There is a sense of adventure

Inside of me

Something that wants to gets lost

and keep getting lost

and then found again,

and then lost some more

that homeless year was interesting because I was exposed to so many different parts of NJ

and NY I had never seen before.

I never finished my Linda novel.

Why not? and my play? Why not?

Everytime I tried my mind went blank, there went the page.

I had these visions I wanted to create. I had no money or resources

Then I joined a church that I think they wouldn't have liked the play

I tried to conform, well too well.

I am here, I am calm. But I've been still for 2 years.

I'm itching for the next adventure.

Want to get wealth and all that stuff. Wondering how to manifest all the things in my heart.

They say trust, keep trusting. I need a stone in my hand, something to get to the next step.

I tire when I go outside because nothing has changed. And I am tired of the conversations 

that are the same. There is no money, no jobs here, seems stagnant. 

Felt that way when I was in New Brunswick. But my friend, she found an internet boyfriend.

I think she plans to meet him and for him to save her.

There is a lovely thing with meeting with the same people every week.  A familiarity, a sense of family

It's alluring if you are missing that on yourself.

God, I feel the need to create. Create what's next, where are we going.

I love that video of David. He said in life, there is an author. There is someone in charge.

And we have to trust him. I remember when I was down and out Marvin came and told me the 

same thing. He said how much God blessed him in his job, and how he earns good money

and he is not even good at it. He didn't plan to be good at it.

I am coming out of a storm, homelessness, scarcity, an ending career that I had invested myself.

tonight I was talking to Jonathan and we were in  the real estate conversation. How I say,

things might have been different if I took him up on his call but then again.

I had no stability, no stable place to live. I am a single mother

It's a very specific type of situation. 

The movie Pose was amazing, a community taking care of itself. 

Left to the side by society to die, and they cling to each other for survival. 

Doing sex work and menial jobs to survive. Hiding because they cannot be themselves in plain sight.

It's appalling. That's not how Jesus would have handled it.

I have all these things inside my heart.

The feeling, to follow my free spirit ways.

The wanting to be stable and make money, to have a better life.

But is this life not good enough? I don't know.

I live in a society that success is constantly defended and fought for.

It is attractive. The Hispanic society was all about marriage. 

My heart, all you wanted was love and acceptance.

My spirit, all you wanted is travel and adventure. 

My son, I want you to grow into all that you can be.

I want to be a good mother, a good provider, be able to provide all the things. 

When will we be stable? When will things get better?

I don't like that look in their eyes when they see me

Like I am here but I am not here,

like I am not supposed to exist. 

They work hard and what am I doing? feel the same way when I see the old lady doing way much more

than I do in a day. But I understand the hustle and bustle, I dealt with it for all those years and that's exactly what I was trying to get away from.

Why am I not happy here? It's not that I'm not happy here its the goals I still have to accomplish.

The debt I want to pay off, the house I want to purchase. I do understand no matter where I go, we will still be here.

I understand I am inconviniently challenged and I look at things differently.

When I get married, I want a year in Israel or Egypt of just a remote place, sorrounded by sand, maybe a garden, and nothing else.

A place, a time where we figure ourselves out as a family.

I miss having a car because me and Alex would have different adventures in the city, going to parks, taking a walk but all those times I did not enjoy as much, I was always thinking about money and success.

How much I didn't have, and how much stability I did want. And no matter how much I have, the climb and pressure to have more stability. Wanting more control of my life.

I remember when I went to the open house of the million dollar home and I thought wow.

I could be a silent millionaire, live up the street from the town I grew up on. And no one would ever know.

And I would still be myself, I loved how the woman in the elevator asked me for a playdate. It had been years, and I had not received that request.

I went back to Bayonne and every time I felt like that wasn't it.

What, life, what is your purpose?

I feel deep inside I am meant for more. And still, time passes and the way I was getting treated was

tolerated in almost a type. No one wanted to hear my stories or accept my humor. Or give me a chance to speak.

I am just a guest at a party, someone to keep the seat warm.

I didn't like that. I want to be essential, I want to be appreciated and I want to feel needed. 

Like a speaker the rest of the people show up for. I want to be known for my ideas.

I want to be understood, to be known, to be a supporter, to be able to smile at the sunrises. 

I can do this now! that is true. With the hussle of school and all that stuff.

You can be in the middle of paradise and still feel different.

I remember that other open house I went to, it was a different life. There were horses, a home office,

a piano, a small play area for the kid that reflected how much little space was made for him.

For my son, maybe I give him too much? Now that I have my home office, I do feel finally like I have my space.

That space is for sitting and reading and all those things. I am a poet, I will forever be.

I am a guide, an eternal guidebook. A essential queen.

How to make money, finance all of this? 

This is what this world cares about huh? Can you, can you, pay your bills?

But does that become the overall mission?

Andre was trying to hire me, then when I got on it he talked himself out of it.

Everything was going down, I'm glad he told his girl how to make all this money. 

These are random thoughts in my mind. its like jumbo mumbo. which makes me think of that philly rapper, she's good likethat.

I miss having a sense of adventure, God. and I see all these people in these shows be successful

and I think why not me? Why not yet me? my friend says he got all this money in his account right now.

Interesting, I am happy. if it can happen for him, it can happen for me.

It was a good year to have business happen. Too bad Linda I had no guidance I had no idea how to get it off the ground. It also depended too much on me. 

the kids that knew how to code make 100k making sites for people. virtual things that no one can see.

Am I made for the same thing?

I am a speaker, an encourager, I need to find out marketing, a person that wants to do business and do different things.