All things I feel crappy about

- I didn't get an invitation to my brothers wedding

Denisse didn't' call me back

I couldn't make it to Ivanna's wedding

I didn't make it to Grandpa's passing

From the time I heard of the wedding, 6 months left I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it

Mom offered to pay for it, But I could not stand that. 

Tio said everyone has to work, which is a fact of life but I felt like crap because I am not working right now.

Mom said Karla has a car, it's her saying another person has surpassed me. Other people are getting ahead, everyone but me. Is that what she is trying to say?

This girl, she threw a beautiful birthday party for her son and it made me think of how I never threw him a party, I would always be broke during his birthday. I did the museum party and then the quarantine party and spent a bunch of money on it. 

I am sick of being financially vulnerable. Then I saw a pic of a girl and she had balloons and a husband, and excitement around the birth of a baby. They are ready for it.

My story is not like that. I want to get away from these feelings. I feel so horrible that that is my story.

I want to be happy and stop thinking about the past and how my story is not ideal and where I am right now is not ideal. 

I have affirmations and want to be happy for others, but all I keep doing is getting sad at the past that I can't change. The love I gave that I can't give back. The brokenness that led me to horrible decisions. 

I am drowing in my tears, they reach my chin. breathe, Auris, breathe.

I went to that church service last year, and I thought God wasnt happy with me, first time I realized I was still this burden. But I know God forgave me, how to let go of myself and forgive myself.

Why has it been so hard? like my father leaving me, I suffered for that for years. Why so sensitive? and why so hard to let things go? Why do I keep feeling bad about the same things?

The book said how to stop worrying and start living and it talked about how he had tortured himself for years until he has discovered that art. And I thought of how I will teach that to my son.

Mom said she worked 2 jobs and Cesar was alone. I said he wasn't alone, he was with Granma and grandpa. Yes, he was with them but not with other kids. and she said she always wondered why he loved her so much, since she was hardly around.  I guess we all have our insecurities. and he grew up to be hardworking and well educated and married and a good father, and just overall good. In spite of herself and the consequence.

I think of that now and I am releasing myself. I don't want to feel like he is a mistake and I made a mistake. I loved Angel and that is the truth. I know it makes no sense and he was hardly there for me. How to resolve these feelings? How to stop drowning?

And how to not sink by myself? All you can do is listen, all we can do is pray. God, God we say, make it, make it go away.

And money the thing that is above me yet all around me but doesn't seem to come to my pockets. Give, give, give. I focused so much on that last year but I received nothing sometimes a thanks but hardly. I woke up everyday and served and gave and no one gave me anything and my bills were still due and no one would, nothing.

I was worn out when I left the church. I gave so much and they wanted to keep taking, actually they wanted more. I felt vulnerable. this was not my plan, to go to your church twice a week. That is not why I moved to Georgia. It was to get closer to God and be there more for my son.